


Leading Up To This

by Forbidden_Stilinski



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2018-12-03 08:59:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 50,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11528946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Forbidden_Stilinski/pseuds/Forbidden_Stilinski
Summary: You never truly know just how someone might change your life, whether it's for the better or for the worst, and you can never know right away which way a person is going to go. Ellie and Joel found each other through a mission that could have ended up killing them both - now without that being held over their heads, the only thing they have to think about is themselves and what they mean to each other.What could go wrong, right?(NOT COMPLETE! Archive just won't let me select that it has multiple chapters.)(If you cannot read, this will end up eventually being a Ellie/Joel fic. That means a relationship. Please do not read if you are not prepared for this.)(There will be OCs featured in this fanfiction to keep the story going with the dark plot ideas I have in my mind - please don't challenge me on canon, this is a fanfiction.)





	1. 15

Chapter One

 

_15_

 

  
Sometimes you couldn’t predict the way people changed your lives. Ellie had known that ever since she had left Boston with Joel. She had known all along that there would be a change in her life, and that he would be the one to change it - that fact was undeniable and the effect was inevitable. But, she hadn’t known just how much her life had changed with him in it, until around about the time that Sam had been shot dead as an infected and Henry had shot himself dead not long after it.

She sat looking out the window now, and she heard the sound of whistling and cleaning. When Joel wasn’t guarding the wall and doing his rounds with Tommy by his side, he was determined to make the small amount of grounds they’d been given into a home. Ellie had never really experience a home, the same way that Joel had experienced one, and she was excited to see what Joel would create with their small space.

Ellie herself spent most of the time at, what could easily be considered a school. She sat with a bunch of other kids, learning a bunch of things, from English and Math, to history which was more about the world they had lost to the apocalypse than anything else that Ellie had read, and sometimes they’d learn a few basic survival skills; all of which Ellie knew, but it did give her the chance to perfect them, or come up with her own techniques. Because nobody wanted to say it, but everyone knew that Ellie had had it a little bit harder than the other kids in the classroom. The kids knew it too, and they either liked to ask stories about the outside, or openly mock her for it.

Because of this, Ellie would often head back home feeling frustrated. Joel would notice this, quite easily, and try to make it up to her, either making a nice meal out of whatever food had been given to them, or by teaching her new things, like new songs on the guitar, or more advanced survival techniques, or something fun. Joel had taught her a bunch of old games that he used to play as a kid, unfortunately she hadn’t exactly made a friend yet to play them with, but she had Joel, who sometimes had the time and patience if the day hadn’t been tiring.

She stopped looking out the window for the moment to pay attention to the fact that the whistling had stopped and had been replaced by two people talking. She could recognise Joel’s voice rather easily, but the other voice, a female one, was a lot harder to recognise - in fact it didn’t even seem familiar. With a minor frown on her face, she headed towards the hallway and walked out into the kitchen.

Ellie didn’t say anything as she looked into the dining area - Joel was there sitting with some woman, who looked a little cut up around the face and stuff, but nothing that stifled the fact that she was attractive. Ellie continued to stand there in silence as the two continued to talk. It took Ellie a while to realise this woman was another teacher.

“I just think, personally, she might be better off with another class - the one she’s in at the moment is a little…under-advanced for her,” Joel said slowly, as if trying not to offend the woman in front of him, who just nodded lightly, “I just think she could progress a lot better if she had more support, with students around her who are a lot more like-minded. A class in which she’s learning things that genuinely interest her, also.”

The woman bit her lip before saying, “the issue is Joel, the other class is full of mostly older teenagers. Admittedly Ellie is older than everyone else in her class by a solid year or two, she’s a bit too young for the other class. They’re seventeen and eighteen years old Joel, and I don’t think she’ll be able to feel any more comfortable in that environment than the one she’s currently in.”

Joel sighed, “I would agree - but there’s the fact that she already knows the stuff being taught to the kids in her class. She would feel more at ease, or at least be too distracted to be uncomfortable, if you could just put her in a class where she could actually learn a thing or two- stimulate her mind more.”

There was a moment of silence in which Ellie tried hard to not even breathe in case they heard her.

“I’ll talk to some of the others, specifically Ellie’s current teacher, to see where she’s at with her grades and such - but don’t get your hopes up,” the woman stood up, brushing some of her own long blonde hair off of her shoulder, “things like to be kept in order around here - people don’t like it when the peace gets disturbed, even by the slightest oddity, even if that means a slightly more-advanced child.”

There was a slight pink hue to the womans’ cheeks that Ellie chose to ignore as she left the house, succeeding on not slamming the door that needed to have its hinges fixed again - Ellie had tried numerous times without success, especially seeing as she didn’t have all day to focus on it.

“I know you’re there Ellie, come ‘ere.”

Ellie hadn’t realised that she had subconsciously managed to hide herself behind the corner wall, and took a step towards where Joel could see her.

“Why would you ask her to change my classes?” Ellie asked, sounding genuinely curious as she moved over to sit where the other woman had been sitting, “I’m doing fine in my own class.”

That was a lie. A long with the bullying she was already suffering from, she was depressed about how boring her classes were. How dull everything was - there was no competition left, no struggle, and that just wasn’t the lifestyle Ellie was used to having.

“You’re no longer eager to go to school Ellie, if I don’t do something about it now, you’ll take it into your own hands, and it’ll start getting messy.”

Ellie blew air out of her nose, “however do you mean, Joel.”

“You’ll stop going,” Joel said, “or you’ll start harassing the other children yourself, paying them back for all the trouble they’ve been giving you.”

Ellie shrugged, “if you think about it hard enough, they kind of deserve it-.”

Joel shook his head, “I’m not saying they don’t deserve…something,” Joel muttered, trailing off, “I just don’t want you getting in trouble for disturbing the peace here, or whatever Rachel said,” Joel said. Ellie figured for herself that Rachel must have been the blond.

Ellie looked sheepishly down at her shoes, which were just starting to get holes in them. Joel would have to try and ask for new ones for her soon.

“Things will get better Ellie,” Joel said. He said this a lot, but this time he sounded like he genuinely meant it, which was a shock, “you just gotta let me work at it. I’ll make it happen for you.”

Ellie didn’t know what to do other than nod.

 

(***)

 

  
Ellie didn’t like to admit that sometimes she still thought she could hear the sound of clickers in the distance. She knew with everyone patrolling the wall there was no way a clicker could get through, but no matter how many times she told herself that, her mind would think up ways to contradict what she knew.

She had once explained her fears to Joel, after a particularly nasty nightmare where she had screamed so loud it had seemed like a clicker had jumped through her window and attacked her. Joel had said, with the life they had lead, they had practically been trained to be uncertain with every move in life they made. It hadn’t been a helpful answer, nor an answer that Ellie had wanted, but it had managed to make her feel less embarrassed about her fears.

It didn’t stop them though.

There were a few times when Joel was working on the wall that Ellie had broken curfew and sneaked out of the house just to make sure he was up there, hunting rifle at the ready, looking relatively safe and sound. She would sometimes just stand there for a bit, watch him, watch him talk to Tommy or Maria, or some other person manning the wall, making sure that he seemed okay. There were a few times where Ellie would make a sandwich or something and head over, sneaking an extra sandwich in there for Joel before heading back home. Ellie was sure Joel had noticed the extra food, but Ellie was also sure that Joel knew exactly why Ellie was sneaking out in the first place.

Tonight wasn’t one of those nights. Tonight, Ellie lay in bed and she could hear Joel lightly snoring away in the next room. He had been working hard lately, trying to get food on the table and warmer clothes for them to wear as the colder months started coming around. After all his shifts this week, they were expecting some thicker blankets, and Joel wanted to trade something soon as well.

Ellie wished she could go with him to the trade, but unfortunately there was school tomorrow and Joel typically did any of the big stuff while she was out. Either it was a coincidence or Joel was just worried she’d stir up some form of trouble.

It made Ellie’s heart hurt thinking that she might possibly be some form of problem child for Joel. Especially knowing the fact that he didn’t have to keep her around and yet he continued to do so.

She didn’t like being a burden to someone who had saved her lives countless times, but she found herself too selfish to leave.

 

(***)

  
The next day when she got home from school, she was exhausted. Gym that day had consisted of them doing what was essentially a boot-camp course. Running around, going through obstacles, while holding an unloaded weapon. A lot of the other girls either hadn’t cared, or couldn’t seem to get a hold of it. There had been a few who managed, but they had come from harder lives, as Ellie had. The boys had been stupid and used the unloaded guns as if they were swords in between exercises, inflicting damage on each other where the gun couldn’t with the bullets not being in it.

The whole class had gotten in trouble for it and lunch had been spent inside, so Ellie didn’t have the chance to sit in her favourite spot, near a tree, reading the latest comic she had found during a hiking trip with Joel. It had been stuck to a tree and was only missing the first page, and it wasn’t that hard to figure out the rest of the plot after that.

When she walked inside, she was surprised to see Joel sitting in the lounge area, reading a book of his own. Joel, while he did enjoy reading, said he wasn’t a very fast reader, and that it bothered him - also that he sometimes got stuck on simple words, and you could tell he felt insecure when he had to call Ellie over to help him read something. Probably didn’t help that the guy probably needed reading glasses on top of all of that.

“How was school today?” Joel asked her without closing the book.

Ellie shrugged her bag off of her shoulder and put it near the front door, she noticed that it had been fixed and felt a little shamed that she hadn’t been the one to do it, “fine, got in trouble because of some stupid boys being stupid people, but otherwise - it wasn’t as bad as usual.”

Joel sat up and marked his page before closing the book, “I tried to talk to Rachel today. She’d like to try and get you into one of the older classes, she says you’ve got the grades, the dedication and the smarts.”

Ellie’s eyes widened in shock, “r-really?”

Joel smiled warmly, “really - she’d like to take you to the other class tomorrow, show you around, get you to meet your two teachers, maybe get you someone to keep an eye out for you.”

Ellie rolled her eyes, but made sure to look like she was still grateful, “I don’t need anyone to keep an eye on me or look out for me or whatever,” she said stubbornly, “I can take care of myself.”

Joel gave Ellie a small smirk but decided against saying anything. Instead he opened up his book again and bent back the little dog-eared page so it was back to being flat, “just make sure you get enough sleep tonight,” he muttered. Ellie watched his eyes scanning the lines on the page, “don’t want you to be exhausted on your first day.”

 

(***)

 

While Ellie had promised that she would go to bed early so she was ready for tomorrow, it unfortunately didn’t end up working, because she spent majority of the night tossing and turning. She hadn’t wanted to say anything to Joel, because she was genuinely grateful for what he had done, but she was nervous and secretly wished that Joel hadn’t bothered. It was nice to think that Joel thought she had a future, or something along those lines, but it was intimidating as all fuck if she was honest.

She could see herself getting bullied and mocked, and she wasn’t looking forward to it. It was bad enough when some of the boys in her class laughed at her for knowing things, that they obviously didn’t, or something like that - it didn’t make sense as to why they would laugh at her, but Joel had said they were insecure and it was their best defense.

Either way, she couldn’t sleep, some points during the night when she really thought about it, she couldn’t even really breathe.

 

(***)

 

When Ellie woke up in the morning she wasn’t even entirely sure she had actually slept. There was a knock on her door, which at moment were just a few planks of wood nailed together placed of an entrance, and Joel moved the monstrosity and popped his head into the room.

“Time to get up Ellie,” Joel said in his warm Texas accent, sounding happy and like he had slept well, “first day,” he said before leaving the plank against the wall and walking towards the kitchen.

Ellie sighed and got out of the bed slowly. She made sure to put the cover back on the bed properly because it bothered Joel if she didn’t - she didn’t see the point of doing it considering she was only going to get back into the bed later on, but she did it anyway. She headed over to some clothes that had been handed to her when they had moved here, but ignored them all for Ellie’s favourite red shirt. She’d been wearing it the first time she’d met Joel - she considered it her lucky shirt now and right now she needed some luck.

It took her ages after she got dressed to actually manage to leave the room. She kept telling herself that there were things she was leaving behind - books, pens, her knife, her gun even though they weren’t permitted within the classrooms. She eventually had to resign to the fact that she was ready and that if she made herself late for her first day with the older students, it was only going to make things worse on her.

When she got to the kitchen, Rachel was there, looking blond and confident and in Ellie’s honest opinion, like a fucking annoyance.

“Ellie!” she said in an excited, energetic tone, which only seemed to irritate Ellie’s ears, “good to see you’re up and ready. Have some breakfast and I’ll take you around to the classrooms and show you how their timetables work and so forth-.”

“I know how timetables work,” Ellie said with snark, “the only difference in my old and new timetable is that I’m allowed breaks to study.”

There was a moment of silence where Rachel seemed to try and work her mind around Ellie’s answer and find a way to respond while Joel looked like he was a mix of amused and embarrassed at the situation. Ellie stood firmly though and peered at the two adults, waiting for a response from either of them.

“Good,” Rachel concluded, nodding her head only once, firmly as if that made her appear any less awkward, “good, good, I’m glad you’ve already got that figured out,” she muttered, “I’m sure your teacher is going to love you.”

Joel laughed, “I hope not too much, I’d like her back.”

Rachel peered at Joel with a weird look and gave a small tiny laugh. Ellie decided there and then she didn’t like this woman, and there was no way Rachel was going to be able to redeem herself.

“Alright Ellie, ready to go?” Rachel asked, trying to sound upbeat again.

Ellie frowned and looked at Joel, “aren’t you coming with us?” she asked, sounding nervous about the answer.

Joel sighed and ran a hand through his hair, looking apologetic, “unfortunately I can’t - I have a shift this morning on the wall and I told Tommy I would definitely be there. Two of their men have come down with an illness, which thankfully isn’t a sign of them being infected but-.”

Rachel gave him a cutting look, “you shouldn’t share this information with the child, it’s not for her ears.”

Ellie’s eyes widened and she waited for Joel to defend her right to know, but he just looked sheepish and nodded.

“I’ll see you later Ellie,” he muttered, grabbing a bag from the floor that she hadn’t seen earlier - his work bag, “enjoy your first day - I expect to hear all about it when I get home.”

He grabbed the bag and headed out the door before Ellie couldn’t think of anything else to say. She swallowed whatever words she had managed to come up with and looked up at Rachel, who was twirling a bit of her hair around her finger, almost mockingly.

“Time for school then kiddo,” Rachel said, smiling down at her. It was just a smile, but Ellie found it condescending.

“Lead the way,” Ellie snapped, “and don’t call me kiddo.”

 

  
(***)

 

Ellie tried to ignore the questioning stares she could feel coming from every direction. She stared straight ahead, mostly this was because she had originally wanted to ignore Rachel’s existence and Joel’s lack of existence, but once they had entered one of the main halls it had become a game of patience and trying to ignore all the other students around.

They were all older than her. They were all wondering what the hell she was doing here.

She headed straight for the room down the hall where she knew Rachel was taking her. She walked ahead, trying to get there faster, and was relieved when she finally entered the room. The only person there was a short man, who looked to be only a little older than Joel. He had round glasses and long hair and wore a coat which almost seemed to hit the floor. It was tan in colour whereas everything else he wore was black.

“Good morning, you must be Ellie,” the man said, giving her a small, warm, but not overly warm smile. He moved and sat at the corner of his desk and peered at her in a way that made Ellie feel a little uncomfortable, but not enough so to make her mention it. It wasn’t in the same way that David had once gazed at her. The man in front of her now was trying to determine her worth in a different way, her survival rate in a different way. Either way - it still made her shudder slightly.

“Y-yeah, I’m Ellie,” Ellie said with nervousness and a slight stutter. She berated herself silently. She’d been telling herself she was going to act confident, act as if she knew she could make it, and she had already managed to somehow screw that up.

“The overly educated child,” the man said humourously, “I’ve heard a lot about you from Rachel. She says she thinks you’re going to excel with the older students - I hope that I will be finding myself agreeing with that statement,” he gave Rachel a look then. She stood her ground and nodded and smiled appropriately.

Bitch, Ellie thought to herself, looking back at the man in front of her.

“Of course, how rude of me,” he said suddenly, “my name is Carl Henderson. But, you will be calling me Mr Henderson,” he said proudly, “I was a teacher before the infected started ruining the world.”

Ellie nodded slowly but didn’t say a word.

“You’ll be starting today - the other students are getting marked off and having their bags checked for concealed firearms. Normally you would be put under the same conditions, but…” he trailed off, “you’re new. But tomorrow you’ll have to go through the same thing.”

Ellie felt awkward and didn’t want to be here. She was already ready to tell Rachel to shove it and that she would go back to her less awkward, under-educated class, where the other kids picked on her, just so she wouldn’t have to deal with all this. But she shut her mouth - she knew Joel wouldn’t be happy if she threw away this opportunity so easily.

“Alright Ellie,” the man said, clapping his hands and rubbing them together in typical teacher fashion, “take a seat, I hope you bought a book and pen because you’re going to be doing a lot of writing today.”

 

  
(***)

 

Ellie found out sooner rather than later that Henderson hadn’t been exaggerating. Throughout the last hour she had been forced to write about three pages of notes on a book she hadn’t read - but it seemed the others hadn’t read it either, which made her feel a lot better about it - but she still didn’t like feeling lost, because feeling lost in this classroom, she felt more lost than everyone else around her. Her wrist was aching from all of the writing that she had had to do, but she looked down at the three pages, feeling as if for once that all of this school bullshit actually meant something.

After another hour of listening to other people discuss the notes they had been given, and share around a copy of the book and read it aloud, they were free to go have food. Everyone quickly filed out of the room, as if fearing that if they didn’t leave quickly enough, they’d be forced to stay back. Ellie stayed back on purpose, avoiding everyone else’s curious glances by acting extra interested in the notes she had copied from the blackboard.

“Ellie, are you not going to break?” Henderson asked her from the front of the room.

She looked up, Henderson had his feet up on his desk and was eating a tin of apricots, while reading the book they had been assigned.

“You know, this book has always been in my top ten favourites?” he said. Despite the fact that this was a question you would normally ask while talking to another person, it didn’t feel like Henderson was talking to her, “even after traveling this world, reading books in different languages, reading and salvaging any books I can and bringing them here - this is still one of my favourites. In fact, it might even be my favourite.”

The book he was holding was called Lord of the Flies. It looked boring from what Ellie could see, because unfortunately she hadn’t really been paying attention as the other students had been reading it, but she didn’t want to challenge the mans’ opinion simply based on the cover, so she shut her mouth.

“It might be because I loved it right before the infection took over,” he said absentmindedly while turning a page, “I think I’m clinging onto it so I can feel some form of normality.”

After that, Henderson didn’t say anything, just continued to eat the apricots and read his beloved book. Ellie looked down at her notes again, seeing if there was maybe anything she could say about the book, anything to spark some conversation, but all of this was jumbled and a mess - the notes were to help them understand the book while reading it - it wasn’t a cheat sheet so they could get out of reading it.

Ellie started doodling on her page, looking out the window. From here, she could see people working along the wall - in fact she was sure she could see Joel standing with Tommy, laughing at something that the younger had said. She sighed - she wished she were out there instead of in here.

 

  
(***)

 

  
The rest of the day had either gone really fast, or dragged on forever. Math had been a total bust and she didn’t quite understand why they needed it - considering they didn’t have to count anything like money, ration cards were essentially the closest thing they currently had to a currency. But, she reflected on what Henderson had said about normality and decided that’s what everyone here was trying to aim for - a feeling of normality before the world went to shit. Ellie wished she had known that world, that zombie-land wasn’t everything she’d always known.

She got home and went straight to her room, put her bag in its usual corner, and put her copy of the book and her notes on a crate which acted as a desk. She looked down at the book - the cover was old and worn, with tears in it, and some of the pages were yellowed - even dirty. This book had been to hell and back and yet here she was holding it. It had survived. She felt an odd tingling sensation looking down at the damaged pages, with text so small she was sure it was only for ants.

“Ellie, you home?”

Ellie looked up just as Joel walked into her room. He had a small smile on his face as he looked down at her, and she felt good again. She looked down at the book and the notes again and nodded, “well, obviously.”

Joel laughed, “how was your firs’ day?” he asked. He sounded a little tired, but he was definitely in a good mood and Ellie didn’t want to ruin that.

“Really good,” Ellie lied, “I learned a lot, stuff about English and Math and stuff - stuff that seems important for once,” she knew she was probably talking to the point where her enthusiasm sounded fake, but Joel seemed to take it, because he smiled and nodded and then sat down on the floor next to her.

“And what you readin’?” he asked, grabbing the book gingerly from her hands. His touch was gentle, like he didn’t want to damage it - Ellie was glad she wasn’t the only one.

“Lord of the Flies,” Ellie said, “it’s the teachers favourite book - says it reminds him of times before clickers and infected because he had read it just before the world went crazy,” she said, “I didn’t want to say anything rude, but the book looks boring.”

Joel laughed and shook his head, “well, there was always a saying - never judge a book by its cover kiddo,” Joel handed Ellie the book back and looked down at the notes briefly before saying, “you might find you like it just as much as your teacher, so don’t knock it back just yet.”

Ellie shrugged, “don’t really have a choice anyway - I have to do an assignment on it.”

 

(***)

  
The next few days passed without anything special really happening. Joel went to work or stayed home depending on whether or not he was rostered or specially requested, and Ellie went to school. She was halfway through Lord of the Flies and really enjoying it, despite the fact that she was trying to will herself to hate it. She didn’t know why, but she was.

She was sitting inside for break again when a boy who looked about eighteen walked back into the room with his bag on his back, holding a small bowl.

“Mind if I finish my lunch in here Henderson?”

Henderson shrugged and continued to read from a stack of papers, which Ellie assumed were essays from previous assignments or a few people who had put theirs in early.

Ellie looked back down at her sketchbook. She had started to take up drawing as she sat inside. It gave her something to do on the days when she couldn’t be bothered reading her notes for the billionth time and wanted to leave reading for when she was back home in her bed.

She didn’t notice that the boy sat right behind her, despite the fact that his seat was normally in front, until he tapped her on the shoulder.

“Hey,” he said as she turned around to look at him, “you’re Ellie, right?”

“Uh,” she nodded, “yeah, hi.”

“Hi,” he said, smiling. He seemed sincere enough, but Ellie did, admittedly, have some big trust issues, and she wasn’t ready to just trust him because he had a nice smile and he was in her class.

She went to turn back around when he stopped her.

“I was wondering if I could borrow your notes on Lord of the Flies?” he asked, sounding a little sheepish, “I’ve lost mine somewhere, and knowing me, once I find them they’re probably not going to be in the best condition, especially if it turns out they’ve just been sitting at the bottom of my bag under a pile of books the entire time.”

“Oh,” Ellie’s mouth formed a small, embarrassed ‘o’ shape. She nodded and handed over her notes as the boy reached into his bag and grabbed a book and pencil, “sure thing.”

He smiled a nice white smile at her, “thanks,” he said before placing Ellie’s notebook and his notebook in a way so he could write in one while clearly reading the other.

“I hate smalltalk, but it feels rude just blocking you out while I copy your well written notes,” he said, “you have beautiful handwriting by the way,” he added, sounding genuine.

Ellie didn’t know what to say other than, “oh, uh, thank you.”

“Do you do anything after school?” he asked suddenly, looking up, he definitely wasn’t even close to finishing writing down Ellie’s notes, but he continued to look at her, as if searching for her answer before she could even start to talk.

“I uh, wait for my friend to get home. Might read or draw for a bit,” Ellie said awkwardly.

“You don’t hang out with any of your friends from your old class?” he asked, sounding surprised.

Ellie laughed then. It wasn’t exactly an appropriate laugh, though admittedly it wasn’t a mean one - well, it wasn’t supposed to be.

“No, I uh, didn’t have friends in that class,” Ellie admittedly sheepishly, after she finished laughing, “admittedly it’s one of the reasons why I was so excited to move into these classes - I didn’t think I was going to make friends, but at least I got away from those…immature assholes,” she said. She knew she had over-shared slightly, but she tried to play it off cool.

Thankfully, the boy laughed nicely, “fair enough then,” he said, smiling and giving a small shrug, “would you like to hang out? After school is over?”

“Uh…” Ellie bit her lip nervously. It had kind of been an unspoken rule that if Ellie was to go out anywhere, she was to ask Joel first. Because Ellie didn’t have friends to spontaneously visit, if she wanted to come home later than usual she’d normally discuss it with Joel before going to school that morning, just so he’d know. Normally Ellie would say no because of that unspoken rule, and because of her trust issues, mostly with men, but technically, the rule was unspoken, meaning she could play it off as the rule not even existing in the first place, and if Joel got mad, she could say then maybe he should have said something. As for her trust issues - it had been a while since the David incident…it was time for her to get over it. Besides; this was Tommy and Maria’s town. These were good people. No one would hurt her here other than stupid kids who didn’t know better.

“Yeah,” Ellie said, feeling a little more confident and giving him a smile of her own, “sure thing.”

 

  
(***)

 

  
It was only ever with Joel that she went anywhere outside the wall, but she went with the boy anyway, whose name was Koby. Koby was taller than her by a foot or two, but shorter than Joel, so she couldn’t even calm herself by pretending it was him. She started to feel calmer though when she could hear a river nearby, and they started heading towards it.

“Are we, uh, meeting up with anyone else?” Ellie asked, hating the way her voice shook.

“Hm?” Koby looked back at her. She swore she saw him look her up and down, but ignored it, “no, just you and me - I asked my other friends during the beginning of break and they said they were all busy with homework and all that loser shit,” he shrugged.

They both headed over to a log, and Koby sat down before patting the spot beside him with a nice, patient smile.

Ellie kept berating herself for looking for clues that Koby was a bad person, rather than just enjoying her time with him, so she sighed and sat down beside him, watching the river, how pretty it looked in comparison to some of the shit she’d seen in the world.

“So, how old are you Ellie?” Koby asked. He was looking at her with interest, and Ellie tried to keep herself calm by continuing to look at the water.

“Uh, well, younger than you guys,” Ellie admitted, “I assume you’re eighteen, like everyone else, right?”

Koby nodded, “just turned eighteen last week.”

“Oh,” Ellie smiled, “belated happy birthday to you then.”

Koby gave a small smile and didn’t say anything. He started twiddling his thumbs and humming. Ellie didn’t know if she was supposed to be saying something, or if this was what their hanging out was supposed to be. ‘Hanging out’ hadn’t been like this with Riley.

She felt something on her hand and she flinched. She hadn’t been concentrating much and Koby had placed his hand on top of Ellie’s.

“You should totally give me a birthday present,” Koby said, grinning from ear to ear. Back in the classroom, Ellie might have found it nice to see him genuinely smile other than the awkward half smiles, but this unsettled her and made her regret her decision to try and trust someone again immediately.

“I didn’t get you anything,” Ellie said honestly, pulling her hand away from his and placing it back in her own lap.

Koby’s hand reached forward and grabbed at the top button of her jeans. Ellie felt like she was going to be sick.

“You don’t have to, just be quiet…”

Ellie wanted to do the exact opposite, but as she was pushed off of the log and pinned onto the ground, she couldn’t find her voice. She couldn’t even think to scream.

She closed her eyes, screwed them up tight, and then-

She felt Koby disappear from on top of her and felt a thud beside her. She didn’t dare to open her eyes yet, she didn’t want to feel too much hope.

“Ellie, Ellie, are you okay?”

She felt relief spread through her, she opened her eyes and there was Tommy standing above her. He looked concerned and kept occasionally looking over to her right. She turned her head then and saw Joel dragging a begging and pleading Koby towards the entrance of the wall. Joel looked livid.

“I told him he wasn’t allowed to beat up your friend over there,” Tommy said, looking awkward, “I’m sorry Ellie, I couldn’t stop him from-.”

Ellie held up a hand and caught her breath before saying, “not-not a friend Tommy…”

There was something in Tommy’s eyes that seemed to die a little as he looked down at Ellie with something that loosely resembled pity. He looked up at Joel and sighed, “Joel?”

Joel’s head snapped up, “what?!”

“Not a friend.”

Joel looked back down at Koby, and with the butt of the hunters rifle he was holding, hit Koby in the head with it.

 

(***)

 

Joel was sitting across from Ellie at what could easily be considered their dining table. It was just a bunch of tall wooden crates with a long board on top, long enough that they could actually fit chairs underneath. Joel looked unsure of what to say to Ellie, and Ellie was completely unsure of where this conversation was going to go.

“Ellie…I…” Joel sighed, rubbing a hand over his wrinkled his face. In this moment he looked a lot older than he usually did, that he’d aged a good solid ten years just within the span of knocking out Koby and making sure Ellie got back home safe.

“I’m sorry that I went out there without asking you first,” Ellie muttered, “I would have asked but…”

Joel nodded, “I know, you would have been shooed away from the wall,” he admitted, “I just wish…you’d given it an attempt…”

Ellie looked down into her lap. She had started pushing back the skin on her cuticles anxiously. It was a bad habit.

“I should have known better than to trust him like that,” Ellie admitted suddenly, “I was desperate Joel. We’re not trekking the world anymore, twenty-four seven, side by side,” she started sounding a little hysterical and mentally told herself to calm down.

Joel was looking at her with eyes that were asking her to go on, but afraid of whatever she might say.

“I’m lonely Joel,” Ellie said, her voice filled with shame, “I…I don’t have any friends here other than you, Tommy and Maria. Only adults, no one my age-.”

“I know,” Joel said, putting a hand up.She stopped speaking and continued to keep her gaze on Joel, “I know,” he said again, “I’m sorry that I haven’t been around as much as normal.”

Ellie felt bad that she had made Joel feel guilty. He was only trying to provide for them, and Ellie was still being ungrateful.

She often wondered if maybe she was a burden on Joel. If maybe he would be better off here without her.

“It’s fine,” Ellie eventually said, sounding tired and a little broken. She didn’t know how to feel about what had happened Koby and she didn’t know how to feel with her thoughts right now, on Joel being better off without her. So she got up from the table and headed towards her room.

“You’re not in trouble Ellie-.”

“I know,” Ellie said, turning around, “just…I’m tired and going to bed. Night Joel.”

Joel looked defeated but didn’t try to stop her, the only thing he said was, “I’ll leave you some food in the fridge.”

 

  
(***)

 

Ellie tried to sleep through the night but herself up and tossing and turning at what appeared to be three in the morning. She could hear voices outside of her room, they were talking quietly and it bugged Ellie - not because she could hear them, but because she couldn’t hear exactly what they were saying. She slowly got out of her bed and headed towards the doorway, the plank covering her door was only just covering it, but she could see into the kitchen.

The moment she saw what was going on, she knew that she hadn’t heard talking, and if she had, there had been a minimal amount. There was a woman sitting on the bench, her face buried into Joel’s shoulder. Joel was slowly moving his hips forwards and back and Ellie could occasionally hear him murmur something and the woman moan. Ellie felt her cheeks heat up as she realised that the woman was Rachel- and that the two of them were having sex on the kitchen counter.

The worst part of all was the fact that despite every fibre of her being telling her to go back to bed and forget what she saw, she kept watching. She kept watching as Rachel’s hands ended up in Joel’s hair, and Joel’s pants ended up falling around his ankles, exposing his lower half, she watched as Joel got faster and Rachel got louder, and Joel was telling her to be quiet, she would wake up Ellie, but what he didn’t know, of course, was that he was too late.

Rachel seemed to bite into Joel’s shoulder as her orgasm ripped through her. She sighed happily and then pushed herself away before Joel could even finished. Ellie purposely tried not to look down at that area.

“That was fun,” Rachel said, giving him a smirk, “make sure your little girl behaves in school - then I won’t feel obliged to uh…mention that she’s infected to anyone.”

Ellie gasped and hurried to cover her own mouth as Rachel got off of the bench, pushed her skirt down, and headed out the door. Joel didn’t follow. He instead, slowly and somewhat shamefully, pulled his pants back up and rubbed a tired hand over his face.

He grabbed a bit of scrap material and wiped down the bench hurriedly and chucked it back in the sink as if the material were now diseased.

 

 

  
(***)

 

The next day, Ellie was supposed to go to her classes, but with Joel already on the wall, she felt no obligation to leave the house. She couldn’t bring herself to do it, after everything she had heard last night in the kitchen. It wasn’t the sex that bothered her - people had sex all the time. During the time they had traveled, they had walked past places called brothels where they essentially traded ration stamps for sex and god knows what else. Ellie had seen a lot of shit just walking through those streets surrounding the brothel.

What hit her hard was the fact that apparently Joel was sleeping with this woman, just so she could attend the more mature, more challenging classes.

If she had known that was why she had been let in in the first place, she wouldn’t have begged, pleaded, for something more educationally stimulating.

Unfortunately, because she didn’t go to her class, it gave her too much time to think. She tried to distract herself by reading, but couldn’t focus on it, tried to focus on homework but couldn’t because all it reminded her of was the classes she was currently in - yann0, the one’s that Joel was literally kinda selling his body for - she even tried napping but she couldn’t sleep, because all she could remember were the words the woman said.

It wasn’t quite just about the school thing, Ellie remembered - the woman was going to tell everyone that Ellie was infected.

 

  
(***)

  
Joel was exhausted when he came home and as soon as he did, he jumped straight into his bed and went to sleep. This was fine by Ellie, because they hadn’t spoken all day and Ellie didn’t know if he could look Joel in the eye right now. Not just because she had skipped school for the day, but she was a little embarrassed by the fact that she had caught Joel having sex with someone.

As soon as she knew Joel was unconscious, due to the mans’ snores, she made sure to be quiet and left the house. It was a little cold out tonight, but to be fair Ellie was only wearing a tank top and some shorts. She looked around - a lot of the main lights were still on, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t past curfew - in fact, she could see some of the late shift people now heading out getting ready to defend the wall.

Ellie tried hard to stay out of the light, she knew she was probably going to get out of trouble anyway - but it would be best if she didn’t get caught before she could actually do her plan.

She didn’t know exactly where Rachel lived, but she knew it was in the rich district. It was a place she had only been to a handful of times, and that was because a girl she had been friends with for a bit lived there. That girl ended up exiting the safety of the wall and got attacked by a wild clicker.

She kept to the shadows, running or walking wherever it was appropriate until she found herself near bigger houses with more rooms. Of course, she was sure rich people had better stuff that showed their riches before the infection started spreading - but for now, bigger houses and better access food was all the rich had to show for it.

The house that Rachel lived in was two stories and had more rooms in it than she actually needed - the only people who lived there, that Ellie knew of, was Rachel herself, and a young girl named Serena who was apparently her young niece - not old enough to tend classes yet. Ellie sighed and rolled her eyes, of course Rachel would be a rich person, someone who was in a position of power as well. In too many ways.

How did such shitty people find themselves in positions of power?

Ellie walked towards the front door and sighed, this house had been built way before they had figured out how to make decent locks for the doors - something that thankfully her and Joel’s house did have.

She got a shiv out of her back pocket and slipped it in the gap and worked at it until the door opened with a small creak.

 

  
(***)

 

Ellie woke up to the sound of wild birds and the sun pouring through her window. It was a nice day and Ellie found herself smiling. She got out of bed and cracked some of the bones in her back before standing up and heading towards the kitchen. She had left the plank off of her doorway last night because she had felt oddly safe and secure after what she had done.

Of course though, when she walked into the kitchen, there was Joel and there was Rachel, with her hair massively shorter and uneven than usual.

She was shaking and her face was wet and red. She glared at Ellie as she walked into the kitchen and Ellie feigned innocence.

“What’s wrong?” Ellie asked, sounding worried and cautious, “are you okay Rachel?”

Rachel sighed “no,” she snapped, glaring at Joel who shrugged.

Ellie wasn’t worried, there was no way Rachel could know it was her.

“Ellie…I…need to talk to Rachel alone.”

Ellie tried hard to not roll her eyes and nodded slowly before turning around, but Rachel’s voice stopped her.

“Forget about my dramas for a second Joel,” she snapped again - her voice was starting to annoy Ellie, “Miss Ellie.”

Ellie turned back around on one foot and crossed her arms, “yo?”

“Where were you yesterday?” Rachel asked, sounding venomous. Ellie swallowed harshly - she might not have gotten Ellie on destroying Rachel’s house, but Rachel had gotten her on truancy.

“Uh,” Ellie glimpsed up at Joel who only looked disappointed. The look on his face cut through Ellie like a knife.

Rachel smirked, and Ellie wished Joel saw what Ellie did right now, but he wasn’t looking at either of them right now. Ellie was on her own, facing down a pathetic grown ass woman.

Ellie didn’t know what to say, but she knew she needed to think quick.

“Ellie, go to your-.”

Ellie, unfortunately, knew how to play to Joel’s attention in this moment.

“I didn’t go to school because I was too afraid to run into you,” Ellie said, her voice shaking slightly. She didn’t know whether it was dedication to her performance, or because she was genuinely afraid of what Joel’s reaction was going to be to what she had to say next, “I know what you’re doing. I know what you’re doing to Joel.”

“Oh?” Rachel said. She was trying to look confident and in control, but there was a hesitance in her expression that let Ellie know, that with her next words, she would have the upper-hand.

Ellie could feel fire running through her veins - she was furious with the situation when she really had to think about it all, “Joel asked you, out of respect for me - something I really wanted, to add me to the more academically challenging classes so I could actually learn something for once. But you had to get something out of it as well, because you’re selfish and manipulative. So you’ve been forcing him, you disgusting piece of shit-.”

“Ellie, that’s enough-.”

“Forcing him to have sex with you!”

“Ellie, you don’t need to-.”

“And then somewhere along the line, just so he would stick around after he got what he wanted, you threw in a deep secret within our government about my condition.”

“Ellie!” Joel yelled.

Ellie froze.

“Please, go to your room,” he said, his voice sounded dark and serious. He looked at Rachel. Ellie was glad she couldn’t see his face right now, because she was sure she would cower, maybe even cry - which it looked like Rachel was about to, “while I show Rachel out.”

 

 

(***)

  
Ellie had rushed back to her room so quickly, she hadn’t seen what had happened, but there had been a bit of yelling and a bit of pleading before there was the sound of someone being dragged and the door being slammed. Ellie knew that Rachel hadn’t been hurt, as she ran past Ellie’s window as she ran back to, presumably, her own, vandalized, house.

Obviously what Ellie had said in front of Joel had made Joel realise just how fucked up the situation was.

Ellie didn’t know what to do. Was she in trouble? Or was she free to feel calm, go out there, maybe get a snack or something, read a book out there or something.

As she was thinking this over, the plank over her door was moved and Joel entered the room.

“Are you okay?” Joel asked. Ellie was shocked to find the man actually sounded somewhat shaken. Not his usual in control self. Ellie didn’t really know where to go from here.

“Uh…” Ellie shrugged, “yeah, I think so. Is she gonna…?”

“No,” Joel said, “I’ll be talking to Tommy. If she even says word she’ll be losing her position in the school system. If she keeps being ‘toxic to our environment’, as Tommy says, she might end up getting evicted.”

Ellie’s eyes widened. There were some things that she agreed with when it came to the laws here, but eviction wasn’t really one of them. She didn’t think it was okay to throw anyone out there - but maybe that was only because she was still fresh from her experiences outside of the wall.

“Okay,” Ellie muttered.

“I need to ask,” Joel said before sitting down on one of the crates in her room. Ellie sat down on the bed, not even realizing that she had stood up when Joel had entered the room.

“What did you see,” Joel asked. Ellie could tell it was paining him to look her in the eye as he asked this, but she knew that Joel was a man who believed that eye contact was the biggest sign of honesty and trust - she had been reprimanded enough times for not keeping eye contact during conversations to know this about the man.

“What do you mean?”Ellie asked, feeling a little bad for playing dumb. But she was hoping that if she did, he would just shrug and walk out of the room and everything would return back to normal. But this is what happened every time Ellie saw Joel in a vulnerable state.

Every time he was scene in a vulnerable state Ellie and Joel would have a sit down, they would talk about it and talk about how it’s perfectly normal. But how it didn’t change that Joel was okay being strong for the both of them, that he would always be there for her no matter what state he was in. It was normally an awkward conversation on Ellie’s part, but she sat down and listened anyway - because she knew it was helping Joel, and it felt good knowing that she was helping him.

“You know what I mean Ellie,” Joel said, sounding noticeably pained. He rubbed a hand over his face and looked down at the floor, “just…be honest with me. There’s no need to be embarrassed.”

Ellie snorted despite herself, “speak for yourself, I’m fine - take a word of your own advice because you seem to be the one that’s embarrassed.”

Joel at least felt good enough to look amused - he hoped that getting rid of Rachel had helped him rather than hurt him even more.

“I saw uh. You two. Yanno,” Ellie looked away - so much for not being embarrassed, “baby making without making babies,” Ellie frowned for a moment, “are you even capable of making babies anymore, old man?”

Joel laughed, “not sure,” his face was red, but obviously jokes were making him feel more comfortable.

“I also saw that you weren’t, uh, enjoying it as much as her,” Ellie said, “I know I don’t know anything about relationships, or love, or…” she rolled her eyes, “sex - but you didn’t seem to want it at all and that’s when I knew that uh…”

Joel looked like he wanted her to go on.

“She was using you. Forcing you.”

“Do you think any less of me for that?” Joel asked.

Ellie thought about it - in the moment that she had seen it all, she hadn’t thought anything negative about him. She’d only felt anger for him, not at him.

“No,” Ellie admitted with absolute certainty, “never did. Never will.”

 

 

(***)

 

They ended up back to normal after that. The topic of Rachel was a topic they both agreed, though the agreement was unspoken, to never talk about. Rachel remained in her position with the school system but didn’t socialize whatsoever with Ellie, which she was happy about - Rachel didn’t even have the audacity to come up and pretend to be friendly with her for the sake of appearances - even better in Ellie’s eyes.

Ellie ended up making a few small friends in her classes, even though they were older and Ellie suspected it was mostly out of pity, that or because she got good grades, but they passed the time and sat with her at lunch and kept her away from Koby - until she was safely at home.

She wasn’t there for it, but she knew that Joel had spoken to his brother about the situation with Rachel and warned him about her and everything the woman was capable of. Every so often, Ellie could hear them talking about it, and while Ellie was glad that Tommy was trying to make the effort to get closer with his brother and make sure that Joel was okay, Ellie just wished that the man would drop the conversation entirely, because what was done, was done.

Ellie was relieved when she got home. She went straight to her room and started doing the homework she had been given that was due by Monday next week. She was halfway through it when she heard the front door open and heard the familiar sounds of Joel having returned home. She looked outside and noticed that it was getting dark and that she would need to turn on the light soon.

“Ellie!”

Ellie looked towards the doorway, that was open. A few seconds after she did it, Joel’s head popped into view.

“I brought back some food - your favourite cook made it for you.”

Ellie beamed, Joel was a good cook, granted, but Maria always cooked this amazing meal made out of rabbit, vegetables, rice, butter and a small amount of honey. Something that Joel was yet to master.

She got up and headed straight for their small table, where there was a plate already waiting for her, Joel’s plate was sitting across from hers and Joel was in the kitchen grabbing forks and salt and pepper.

He sat down across from her and started eating after he added the right amount of salt and pepper for him.

“How was school?” he asked, looking at her with interest.

She smiled, filling her own mouth with food and enjoying the familiar taste of one of her favourite meals, “it was good - I still think those girls are my friends because they pity me though,” she said, “but I’ve got good grades and I’m keeping up with everyone else, so that’s a bonus.”

She kept eating and for a moment, didn’t notice that Joel wasn’t moving or saying a word. She looked up slowly and felt herself jump slightly when she noticed that Joel was looking at her, a little strangely.

“Are you having a stroke?” Ellie asked, “I recently learned about those and you’re exhibiting the symptoms.”

Joel laughed heartily and shook his head, putting his fork down in his food and smiling at her.

“No, not a stroke - though it might make sense,” he said.

She waited for him to say something more.

“I’m just really proud of you baby girl,” he said. Ellie was a little taken back and waited for Joel to make some kind of joke after, but he didn’t, “you’ve been doing so well here, admittedly here and there you’ve gotten into little bits of trouble - but they haven’t really been your fault,” he sighed, “I was so scared you wouldn’t like it here, that we would have to leave-.”

“If I didn’t like it here, then I would leave. I would want you to stay,” Ellie said.

“No,” Joel said, “I’ve said it from the beginning and I’m not going to change my mind - I’m never leaving you behind Ellie. Not of my own choosin’ anyway.”

Ellie sighed and nodded, “okay.”

Joel gave her a warm smile, “I mean it. I’m really proud of you.”

Ellie could feel warmth spread through her. Whether it was from his smile or his words or his stubbornness of never leaving her behind, she wasn’t entirely sure. In this moment, in their little shitty poor people house, with the lukewarm meal, she had never felt more at home, more comfortable within herself, or more happy.

“Joel?”

“Hm?” Joel looked up from his meal, his mouth full with food, “yeh?”

“I’ve never told you this,” she admitted, “but I do like it here. So stress less - I’m going to stay here. With you.”

Joel looked at her for a moment before nodding, he swallowed the food in his mouth and sighed - it had been his last bite, “thank you.”

Ellie smiled, feeling good that she had put Joel at ease, “you’re welcome.”

 

  
(***)

 

Joel had long gone to bed and Ellie could hear him snoring in his room. He mostly only ever snored after a good meal and if he had a good day, and Ellie liked to think that she had made his day a little better and that she had made him feel a little less anxious about Ellie and her actions.

She knew she was a handful, she knew that she was fiery and all that - but she couldn’t help it. It only ever came out when someone she cared about was getting hurt.

And she definitely cared about Joel. There was no changing that.

She laid down in her bed, got comfortable and fell asleep almost instantly - something that hadn’t happened to her in a while.


	2. 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone,
> 
> Girlfriend of (and beta for) the author here.
> 
> My incredible writer of a girlfriend is currently passed out on my shoulder from a tiring few days of endless writing, so I'll post this chapter for her as I know she wanted it done tonight. 
> 
> Enjoy! x

Chapter Two  
  
  
_16_  


  
Ellie woke up, breathing heavily with her heart beating rapidly. It was pouring outside and she quickly rushed over to her open window to close it, the curtains blowing into her face, making it difficult to not get frustrated quickly. She sighed and looked down at the paper strewn everywhere. Her assignment had been put together neatly to resemble something that wasn’t chaos - and now it was exactly that, chaos.  
  
Some of the pages were wet and already sticking to the floor. Some of them ripping a bit as she picked them up. She sighed - it had been her stupid fault for leaving the window open - but it had been hot and stuffy and the cool air made her feel better - especially after nightmares, which was why she had woken up in the first place.  
  
In this nightmare, she had been trapped in a dark room, she had been locked in by Joel of all people, and she was surrounded by clickers. They didn’t know she was there, but the tiniest noise or movement would have set them off. They didn’t walk anyway near her, which was impossible in such a small space, but she didn’t dare question the logic in the nightmare. But she could feel panic setting in as the room seemed to get smaller and clickers closer and louder, and she could hear Joel laughing outside and taunting Ellie, then eventually his voice ended up turning into David’s, and the small dark room ended up turning into a large, light room, filled with fire.  
  
She breathed in a deep breath and sat down on the edge of her bed. She put her pants back on and her slippers and headed into the kitchen. She often came out here during the nights she couldn’t sleep after her nightmares, or if she couldn’t sleep in general. She didn’t know if Joel ever heard her out here or not, but if he did he left her alone, which is what she needed.  
  
She grabbed some food out of the fridge, a left over bit of fruit salad, something she had recently become massively addicted to and Joel had started making for her, and she sat down at the table and began picking at her favourite bits, chucking the juicy pieces of fruit into her mouth and savouring the taste.  
  
She knew it wasn’t good for her to be up this late, and that she should really try going back to sleep - but she enjoyed sitting out here.  
  
She was just turning around to grab paper and a pen when she heard footsteps coming down the hall. Her eyes widened and she looked up in shock as Joel came around the corner. It was a hot night and Joel was in his typical pajamas which was no shirt and loose pants. His excuse was that it saved him the trouble of washing so much.  
  
“You alright Joel?” Ellie asked, popping a blueberry into her mouth, putting the tip of her pen onto paper - she had seven pages of assignment to make up for that were due in the morning.  
  
“Mmm,” Joel hummed, opening the fridge and looking into it before turning back around and facing her. His eyes landed on the bowl of fruit and he headed over, sitting across from her, and stealing a bit of cut apple.  
  
“Can’t sleep?” Ellie asked.  
  
Joel shrugged, “somethin’ like that,” he yawned and ran a hand through his messy hair, only making it messier in the process, “you can’t sleep either?”  
  
“Nope,” Ellie said, writing out the title for her assignment - Forbidden Romance Through The Ages - Controversial or Romantic?  
  
She looked up to see Joel frowning at her with concern, “if you were having nightmares you would tell me, right?”  
  
Ellie slowly nodded.  
  
“So?” Joel was looking at her, silently begging for an honest answer, and for once Ellie felt like she wasn’t going to hide the truth from him.  
  
“I had a nightmare,” Ellie admitted, looking back down at her paper and realising she wouldn’t be able to write the assignment without her original notes, which she had left in her room. She got up and headed towards her room, the paper was stacked beside her bed again, and the wet corners were already starting to dry, though some of the writing was admittedly hard to make out.  
  
She walked back out there and saw Joel sitting at the table, eating a bit of banana and reading the heading of her work.  
  
“English paper?” he asked, cocking up a brow. She couldn’t tell whether it was out of curiosity or out of something akin to disgust.  
  
“Yes,” Ellie grabbed the paper from him and smirked, “problem?”  
  
“Not at all,” Joel said, “not a subject I was all that amazin’ at, but it was always fun for me.”  
  
Ellie raised her eyebrows in surprise but didn’t say much else.  
  
“Forbidden romance, huh,” Joel sighed, “lemme guess - Romeo and Juliet?”  
  
Ellie sighed and rolled her eyes, “yeah - admittedly I like the whole topic - I think it’s a really flexible one full of so much potential and all, but they had to pick the most stereotypical book for it, which makes me feel like the rest of the class is missing out on so much more.”  
  
It was Joel’s turn to raise his eyebrows.  
  
“The topic of forbidden love in books has grown so much more, there’s so much to be discovered other than just opposing sides,” Ellie knew she was ranting now, but this is what English did to her - and ranting at Joel was a lot better than getting detention for ranting at her English teacher, Miss Wittz, “there’s sci-fi where the forbidden love is about a crossing of species and beliefs and religions - hell, there’s incest and there’s race and so much more out there than just families who hate each other,” she shrugged, “besides, I hated Romeo and Juliet, I thought it sucked.”  
  
Joel nodded slowly, “you’re real passionate about the subject, huh.”  
  
Ellie shrugged, “I like to read.”  
  
Joel got up then and headed over to the kitchen to make himself coffee - something he thought had been wiped out due to the infection, but their little civilization had managed to bring back, “maybe you should be a teacher when you’re older.”  
  
Ellie laughed, louder than she probably should have. The houses in the neighbourhood were slowly improving as resources become less scarce - including theirs, but that didn’t mean the walls still weren’t thin.  
  
“Me?” Ellie said in disbelief, “an English teacher? I’d throw a copy of William Shakespeare’s entire works at a students head if they pissed me off,” she snorted.  
  
“I’m just sayin’,” Joel said, “it wouldn’t be too bad of an idea - you have the passion and intelligence for it - and you can finally beat your arch nemesis.”  
  
Ellie laughed, “I beat Miss Wittz everyday with my wit. Something she doesn’t have, despite her last name.”  
  
Joel frowned for a moment, before sighing and drinking the last of his coffee, “bad pun,” he muttered before turning around and heading back to his room, listening to the sounds of Ellie writing fast and trying to stifle her laughter for the sake of their neighbours.  
  
  


(***)

  
  
The next day Ellie found herself regretting her decision to stay up so late. It was good because she was able to rectify what her stupid mistake of leaving the window open had caused - but now she was exhausted, and the several drinks of coffee she had chugged down before her classes weren’t helping.  
  
She found herself getting easily distracted in class, looking out the window and daydreaming about being at home and sleeping, or being out on the wall with Joel instead of being stuck in class with the other students.  
  
Quickly, her daydream went in the direction of the nightmare that had woken her up early that morning. She swore she could hear clickers and she swore she could feel the room around her getting smaller and smaller, the thing that stirred her out of her reverie was the sound of a hunting rifle being shot.  
  
She shook her head, startled, and looked out the window - Joel was aiming at something and then suddenly the rifle jerked back. What she hadn’t noticed was the sound of clicking, and by the time the final shot ran out - it had stopped.  
  
“Pay attention everyone, please,” the teacher said, almost sounding bored. Miss Wittz was a stern woman, a bitter woman definitely, and there were rumours that the only reason she took the job of being an English teacher was because she was too mentally unstable to wield a loaded weapon to protect the wall.  
  
When it came to that rumour, nobody could actually explain why she was supposedly so mentally unstable, but people pointed out nervous ticks, such as her biting her nails randomly in the middle of class, and occasionally she could be heard muttering something to herself. If these weren’t signs of mental instability, then it was an awful coincidence that wasn’t helping at all.  
  
Everyone eventually, after a few more stern warnings about not concentrating in class and how it would lead to suspension, because there was no point in them being here if they weren’t going to take the classes seriously, they all looked at the board and listened to Miss Wittz lecture on the topics that they had picked and that despite the differences in topic, they were expect to write essays to the same standard, and that she hoped they had reached that standard.  
  
Ellie couldn’t really speak for herself, while she was passionate about what she was writing about, she couldn’t say if the argument was a decent one or even if it was written out well. But she was just happy she had something to turn in.  
  
  


(***)

  
  
  
During break one, Ellie sat alone, reading a book that she had gotten from the shelves of her home. Something that Joel had dug up somewhere and thought Ellie might be interested in reading it. It made Ellie feel good, thinking about the fact that Joel thought of her while he was out and about, whether it was with some of the other men, hunting for food, or searching the perimeter for clickers after warnings of them being around.  
  
“I don’t understand how they can ask us to be so calm after we hear zombies and then see guys killing them,” some girl sitting in a spot near Ellie’s reading spot said. She was sitting amongst two of her friends and both of them were nodding in agreement at the words she said.  
  
“We’re in a danger zone and they’re expecting us to remain calm,” a girl shook her head in disapproval, “they could at least teach us how to protect ourselves.”  
  
The other girl rolled her eyes, “they are Sadie, you just refuse to participate in the classes because it’s physical activity and you don’t want to get your clothes dirty.”  
  
Sadie gave her friend the finger, “these are cute clothes - I’ll never get them again either cause my parents are dead.”  
  
It was Ellie’s turn to roll her eyes. This girl, Sadie, always found a way to mention her parents being dead - as if she were the only one with dead parents. Admittedly, in this world, you didn’t have much time to mourn over things like dead parents and siblings, but it was still a little annoying when you continuously used it was a method to get attention, or pity. Sadie definitely wasn’t getting it from Ellie.  
  
“Though, admittedly, I wouldn’t mind getting my hands and clothes dirty if I knew I’d end up working on the wall with hotties like him,” she said, turning around, causing Ellie to almost give herself whiplash in an attempt to make it look like she hadn’t been eavesdropping on their conversation. This also gave Ellie a good opportunity to look at the supposed ‘hottie’ that Sadie would destroy her clothing for.  
  
Ellie was shocked to find that when she did turn around and looked, Sadie was pointing at none other than Joel.  
  
“He’s a bit old for you, don’t you think?” one of the girls said. Ellie noticed that she was the most pessimistic out of the three.  
  
Sadie made a sound that sounded a lot like ‘pshaw’, “old? No. A few grey hairs and wrinkles don’t mean shit when you’re built like _that_.”  
  
Ellie didn’t know what _that_ meant, but apparently it impressed Sadie.  
  
“Besides, I’m sure he’s good in bed.”  
  
One of the girls giggled while the other went on to comment about how Sadie didn’t stand a chance. Then, little miss giggly - whatever her name was, noticed that Ellie was watching.  
  
She glared at Ellie and whispered something to Sadie that sounded a lot like ‘that’s that weird young girl - she lives with your old hot guy.’  
  
Sadie turned to look at her and gave her a glare of her own before getting up, her cronies standing up a split second after her, and heading over to a different spot. Sadie even had the audacity to look behind her quickly, just to make sure Ellie wasn’t following her, and to also, seemingly, put Ellie in her place.  
  
Ellie just rolled her eyes and kept on reading.  
  
  


(***)

  
  
When the day was over, Ellie had never been more relieved to be home. She headed straight to the lounge room, took her shoes off, and laid down on the couch with the book she had been reading during her break. She hoped she would be able to finish it that night and hopefully start a new book before going to bed, that way if she ended up waking up from another nightmare, she’d have something to keep her occupied until it was an acceptable time to get out of bed.  
  
Half an hour after she got home and laid back on the couch, the front door of the house opened and Joel walked in, looking every bit as exhausted, but in a nice way, as he did after every shift on the wall.  
  
“How was school?” Joel asked automatically, sitting down next to Ellie and taking off his own work boots, which Ellie knew from experience were heavy - steel cap worked well when kicking runners in the face, either in an attempt to kill or distract them.  
  
“It was interesting,” Ellie said, sitting up slowly and pulling her knees close to her chest, her default comfort position, “there was a girl who said you were hot today.”  
  
Joel cocked up an eyebrow and Ellie found herself amused as she saw his cheeks turn a light shade of pink.  
  
He cleared his throat and shook his head, Ellie deduced that Joel wasn’t used to compliments.  
  
“So, how did that English paper of yours go?” Joel asked, clearing his throat again and pointedly not looking at Ellie.  
  
Ellie wanted to laugh, but thought it would be cruel, even though the laugh wouldn’t be intended to be cruel.  
  
“I don’t get my results back until next week,” Ellie answered, deciding to keep up the conversation, even if it was just small talk, “so I’ll tell you then.”  
  
  
  


(***)

 

  
  
Joel was in the kitchen cooking dinner and Ellie was sitting at the dining room table watching him.  
  
Ever since Sadie had made that comment about Joel, she had been trying to see it. Trying to see how Joel might be considered attractive. It’s not that the thought hadn’t crossed her mind before - it had, but there was a difference between admitting that someone was attractive, and admitting that you find them attractive, or sexy, or hot, or whatever Sadie had been saying.  
  
Someone you might look at and wonder whether or not they’re good in bed.  
  
Ellie watched as Joel cut vegetables and put them in a pan and moved the pan to make sure everything was placed evenly. She had never really noticed it, but there was quite an art to the way you had to cook things. Though, admittedly Ellie was an awful fucking cook, and would think that.  
  
She tried to be inconspicuous, quickly glancing every so often in his direction. If he just so happened to be looking up at the time, she would give him a quick smile and go back to writing. Joel thought she was working on something for another class, which that was admittedly what Ellie had told him so he wouldn’t be suspicious, but what the paper in front of her was actually filled with, was a bunch of notes on the things that made Joel seemingly attractive, and why people would be attracted to them. In a way, it was like Ellie’s own little science experiment, she was learning how sexuality worked.  
  
She watched his hands, they were big and strong looking and you could tell her used them a lot. Between helping build houses around the community and working to protect the wall, Joel’s build had become a lot more defined over the years - something that simply running around and traveling to places hadn’t done to him.  
  
He turned around and grabbed something off of the other counter, giving Ellie a good look at his back. Even though he was wearing a shirt you could tell that he had back muscles, which she knew from some of the books she had read that some women were really into.  
  
When he turned back Ellie continued to write things down before stashing it all behind some blank pieces of paper.  
  
  


(***)

  
  
  
Ellie went to bed that night feeling warm and tired. Dinner had been filling and afterward she had had some tea, which had made her feel all comfortable and sleepy. It took her a bit to find a place to put the papers she had written somewhere safe, somewhere Joel wouldn’t accidentally read them - or intentionally, because sometimes Joel found it interesting to read Ellie’s assignments.  
  
After doing so, she got into looser, more comfortable clothing, and climbed into bed. She quickly looked up and made sure that the window was tightly shut, she didn’t want another incident of water damaged stuff. She closed her eyes and found herself going to sleep rather quickly.  
  


(***)

  
  
  
There were hands touching her thighs and she could feel hot breath at her neck, tickling her and making the hairs on her neck rise up. She sighed, letting herself seemingly let go of everything that was stopping her from enjoying the moment. She found her hand in the other person’s hair, tugging slightly, making them moan quietly. Within the moan, she detected a hint of a familiar Texan accent-.  
  
Ellie woke up with a start. She was sweating slightly and her breathing was definitely heavy. She shook her head and closed her eyes, which only resulted in her seeing flashes of the dream she had been having. There was a deep ache, and she could feel that she was wet. Something she didn’t experience all that often.  
  
She sighed - this wasn’t how she wanted her little experiment to go.  
  
She closed her eyes and focused on something else. Focused on one of the boys or girls in her class - an image of Sadie flashed past and she cringed harshly. She thought about kissing and touching one of her other classmates - admittedly they were older, but so was…the other person she had dreamed about.  
  
She put her hands down the front of her underwear and started rubbing the hard little nub there, feeling exhilarated at the pleasure that ran through her body as she touched it. She pushed her fingers lower and put them towards her entrance, slowly pushing in a digit, making herself moan - louder than she had anticipated.  
  
She quickly pursed her lips together in an attempt to keep herself quiet as she slowly fucked herself with her fingers, rubbing at her g-spot until she came.  
  
She saw stars.  
  
  


(***)

  
  
  
  
The morning was an awkward one for Ellie, and she could tell that Joel could sense it, but thankfully he didn’t bother, or was too scared, to ask why. Going to school gave Ellie more of a moment to herself, which after last night she was grateful for.  
  
Sitting in class that day with all the other students, rather than being oddly intimidating like usual, was a break, despite the fact that she kept daydreaming about what her dream had been about.  
  
It meant she ended up being terribly horny.  
  
Just as first break was about to begin, she was pulled aside by her teacher, who looked like she was afraid of what she was about to say next.  
  
Ellie sighed, preparing herself for it.  
  
“Ellie, you’ve been a wonderful contributor to this class in the past,” Miss Wittz said with a grim look, “you’re intelligent, something I might not be able to say about the rest of my students - but lately you’ve been out of it and your grades have been slipping.”  
  
“But, uh, what about my English essay?” Ellie asked. She could feel her body shaking with nerves, something she hadn’t really experienced since after what Koby had done to her. She may have been nervous sometimes - but she never shook.  
  
“Your English essay was definitely profound in it’s opinion - it was well written and well posed. You got an A for it.”  
  
Ellie frowned, “then what the hell is the problem?”  
  
“They want you back in your old classes. With students your age,” Miss Wittz sighed and sat down on one of the small desks - it looked like it was about to break underneath her, but it was years old anyway, and the kid who sat in it was always drumming on it, “they think it’s unfair to other students, students who work just as hard, that they’re not in higher classes.”  
  
“But I earned it-.”  
  
“And they could have as well,” Miss Wittz said in a matter of fact tone, “there are plenty of students just as smart as you, but you got in because…” Miss Wittz, “I’ll be honest kid, I don’t know how you got in - but there was obviously an unfair advantage.”  
  
Ellie shrugged, I guess a man whoring himself out for her to get what she wanted was definitely a form of unfair advantage.  
  
“I love having you in my class Ellie,” Miss Wittz said, “I’ll be honest, you’ve always been my favourite student - which is why I’m telling you this instead of letting blonde bimbo barbie of the student board tell you about it instead - I can tell you dislike her.”  
  
Ellie snorted, dislike was a little weak of a term in that regard.  
  
“Today’s your last day kid,” Miss Wittz said, sounding genuinely apologetic, “I wont be disappointed if you don’t do much work for the rest of the day.”  
  
  


(***)

  
  
Ellie did the opposite. She paid a lot of attention and answered everything she knew the answer to in class, for once she even raised her hand instead of eventually just cutting in. She was sure Miss Wittz noticed this too, because after a while she would normally stop letting Ellie answer everything and give someone else a turn, but she kept letting Ellie answer it all, even though Sadie, in the back looking quite annoyed, had raised her hands a lot faster than Ellie on several occasions.  
  
Ellie ignored everyone as she walked out of the classroom, trying hard to not be the last person left in the room, which she often was. A few girls she was friends with tried to stop her and ask if she wanted to study or something along those lines later, but Ellie didn’t really see a point. Instead, she kept walking, in fact she walked faster when she heard them calling her name, and went straight home.  
  
It took her maybe half an hour to get there instead of the typical hour. By the time she opened the front door and got onto the couch, she was rather breathless.  
  
It was only a few minutes later that Joel got home, looking a lot better than Ellie, at least, felt.  
  
“How was your day?” Joel asked. Hanging his bag off of the hook near the front door. Ellie didn’t know how to respond - she didn’t know whether or not she should actually start the subject, because she knew she was only going to get frustrated and she wasn’t exactly in the mood to talk about what had happened.  
  
“It was a day,” Ellie sighed, turning her back away from Joel, which admittedly wasn’t the least obvious sign that there was something wrong, but it felt better than looking at Joel right now - she hadn’t forgotten about the dream she had had earlier.  
  
There was a deep sigh and Ellie couldn’t mentally picture Joel rubbing his face and heading over to her, and predictably so, Ellie felt Joel sit down at the end of the couch near her feet. He moved her legs onto her lap and rubbed her legs in a reassuring way that let her know instantly what was about to come.  
  
“Miss Wittz called me in after work and had a talk to me about what happened,” Joel said. He sounded genuinely disappointed for Ellie, which made her feel better about her own disappointment about it.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah,” Joel sighed, “she told me that it was nothing personal and that it had nothing to do with your grades. People just thought it wasn’t fair and that they needed some form of continuity.”  
  
Ellie frowned, even though she knew that Joel couldn’t see it from this angle, “continuity?”  
  
“Well,” Joel paused, “after you got let in, no other ‘gifted’ students were allowed into the older classes. Only you, and people thought it was unfair.”  
  
Ellie sat up, trying hard to not move her legs off of Joel’s lap, or yanno, accidentally kick in the family jewels. She needed the comfort right now, and his closeness was doing it for her perfectly.  
  
“So why not let all the other students who were smart enough into the older classes?” Ellie asked, sounding a little venomous.  
  
“Because, there would be too many students in the classroom and not enough teachers to split it up evenly into multiple classes,” Joel said, in a matter of fact tone, “trust me, I asked your teacher, Miss Wittz, everything I could to make sure you could stay in the class. But, there was nothing that could be done - not with such short notice anyhow.”  
  
Ellie let out a frustrated puff of air from her lungs, a bit of her hair that had been hanging in her face flying upwards as she did so - she knew why it was being done and realistically it was a good idea - she would have agreed with it had it been any other student, but she couldn’t help but feel a little betrayed and a little embarrassed to be being moved into a lower year group again.  
  
“So, what do I do now Joel?” Ellie asked, her voice trembling slightly, “I worked so hard in that class…”  
  
Joel looked down at her and beamed - she could feel something in her warming up again.  
  
“You kick ass in that class and show them what you’re made of.”  
  
  


(***)

  
  
  
  
Ellie had had another restless night and had ended up crawling into Joel’s bed for comfort.  
  
It had been a decision made while Ellie hadn’t been at her most logical or her most awake. She had walked down the hall to Joel’s room and climbed into his bed without making a sound, or making herself known whatsoever.  
  
When she had woken up early that morning, she had found her legs and arms wrapped around Joel tightly, and apparently with Joel none the wiser about it.  
   
  
For that, she had been thankful, but she had quickly untangled her limbs from his body and gotten out of bed, telling herself mentally that it was only because she needed a shower, not because she felt seedy because of the dreams she had been having about the man.  
  
Joel woke up not long after she had finished getting dressed for the day. He looked well rested and he kept smiling at Ellie and telling her she was going to do great - something that she admittedly appreciated, but made her feel like he was going to psyche her out.  
  
Eventually, she grabbed her bag off of the hook and headed towards the school buildings, and instead of waiting outside her usual classroom, headed to the one beside it. Her friends from the other class looked her confusedly and Sadie looked at her with a vicious type of glee, Ellie turned her back and ignored them all - she didn’t want to see them even enter the classroom.  
  
Luckily, her class was let in first, so she walked in, ignoring the eyes she could feel burning into her back, and headed towards the back of the class towards the empty seat with her name, on a piece of paper, placed neatly on top of it.  
  
The teacher was a grumpy looking older obese woman who looked like she could skip a few meals of rabbit and deer. But Ellie tried not to judge, she knew she was just in a shitty mood.  
  
“Alright everyone, shuddup,” the teacher, Ms Hubbs, snapped a long ruler on her desk, the class immediately shut their mouths and simultaneously sat up straighter in their chairs, in fact Ellie felt herself doing it too.  
  
“Welcome the new kid,” she said, pointing the ruler in Ellie’s direction. Ellie could feel her face heat up, but she didn’t have much time to be embarrassed at all the eyes looking at her, because Ms Hubbs didn’t have the patience for introductions and snapped the ruler on the desk again.  
  
“Now, write the lines on the board and do it quickly. We have a lot to go through today, and if you don’t get it done, you’re staying behind.”  
  
Ellie gulped.  
  
  


(***)

  
  
  
After class that day, Ellie decided she hated Ms Hubbs and that entire classroom could all go to Hell. She was mentally exhausted and her wrist was killing her.  
  
They had written a bunch of stuff on the board, that they had to do really fast otherwise Ms Hubbs would get angry. The worst part was she would ask questions about it afterward, but everyone had written it down too fast for any of it to sink in, and Ms Hubbs didn’t allow them to look at their notes and liked to rub everything off of the board so they couldn’t look there either.  
  
She had sat alone at first break and she had hidden in her usual spot, nobody came to talk to her and she had enjoyed the five minutes of reading time she had had before Ms Hubbs had walked past and told her she should be reading and memorising the class notes instead of absorbing ‘that utter rubbish.’  
  
She had never been so thankful to be home.  
  
  


(***)

  
  
  
Joel didn’t get home until late, which meant it was Ellie’s turn to start dinner. She was thankful for a valid distraction and excuse to not look over her class notes as she put recently peeled potatoes into a pot and added them to the stove.  
  
It was just as she was about to put the deer in that Joel walked through the front door, looking as bad as Ellie felt.  
  
“Busy day?” Ellie asked with a sigh.  
  
Joel shrugged and grunted and headed straight to the shower, which usually meant that Joel was too pre-occupied to answer and he’d be back to normal after a good hot shower. Ellie was fine with that, so she continued to cook.  
  
She felt better when Joel came into the kitchen, looking a little like a drowned, but satisfied, rat.  
  
“Busy day?”  
  
Joel nodded, “so many idiots on the work sites - sometimes I just can’t deal with them.”  
  
Ellie knew better than to ask. But she could predictably tell it was either someone screwing something up with one of the houses, like flooding the place with a terrible plumbing job, or someone had been stupid and injured themselves on the site whilst being an idiot.  
  
She was sure Joel would tell her an amusing version of the story later on.  
  
  


(***)

  
  
During dinner, what she had assumed was proved to be correct. Joel spoke about this guy named Nick who had put too much pressure on one of the pipes and it had exploded, flooding the new place the had started building. Joel rolled his eyes at some bits and Ellie laughed at them. She knew the guy that Ellie was talking about - a guy who had been in her class last year, but he had ended up getting suspended and had decided to become one of the builders.  
  
Then Joel spoke about his shift at the wall and how boring it had been in comparison.  
  
“There was about one runner, and Tommy wasn’t there today so I was stuck with a bunch of young guys.”  
  
“Feeling old?” Ellie jokingly asked.  
  
Joel jokingly glared at her, also stopping his chewing of food in the process, “shut up you.”  
  
Ellie laughed.  
  
Just sitting down with Joel and talking about his day made her feel a lot better about hers.  
  


(***)

  
  
  
Ellie stayed up late that night, her and Joel ended up reading. Joel was reading some crime book and Ellie was stuck in the book she had been reading for her old class - she could have stopped, but she had found herself genuinely enjoying the plot of the book, she didn’t want to put it down. But reading it did provide a weird type of ache.  
  
By the time she went to bed, Joel was unconscious on the couch, snoring his life away with his book covering his face. Normally Ellie would wake him up and tell him to go to bed, but he didn’t even have the heart to wake him up. So she turned off the lamp above his head and headed to her room, got into her own bed, and with burning, tired eyes, instantly went to sleep.  
  
  


(***)

  
  
  
The next few weeks of Ms Hubbs’ class were absolute torture.  
  
Students didn’t seem to like her and she heard quite a few whispers about her and about how she was apparently so much better than everyone else. Ms Hubbs seemed to hear a lot of these whisperings, but did nothing about them, in fact, she seemed to side with them and liked to give Ellie harder work than the rest of the class, which ironically enough was harder than what she was accustomed to in her old class, and treated her more cruelly.  
  
By the end of every week she was absolutely exhausted and just wanted to drown in her own self pity, but she didn’t have time for that, because she had shifts on the wall she needed to do, and if she wasn’t taking shifts, she was tidying up and getting food prepared for whenever Joel did his shifts.  
  
She never really got a break.  
  
It was on a Monday morning that one of the girls who sat in the far corner of the class with a few friends actually walked up to her and gave her a warm smile - something Ellie definitely wasn’t accustomed to in this class.  
  
“Hi, I’m Angie,” she said, holding out a hand for Ellie to shake - she was never really a big fan of handshakes, but she did it anyway.  
  
“Ellie,” she said awkwardly.  
  
“You’re new,” Angie said, stating the obvious in a way that bugged Ellie a little, “and I noticed you haven’t really been getting along with anyone - so I thought I might step up to the plate. This class isn’t exactly good with new comers,” she quipped, “in fact, everyone used to despise Brodie.”  
  
Ellie frowned, looking at said boy named Brodie - it was hard to believe he was ever disliked, considering it was a known fact that he was Ms Hubbs’ favourite student.  
  
“What changed?” Ellie asked, curious as to whether or not Angie was full of shit.  
  
Angie shrugged, “one day someone sat down next to him, talked to him - kind of like, adopted him, and then everyone was cool with him.”  
  
To Ellie it was starting to sound more like a cult than it did a classroom.  
  
“You’ll fit in eventually - you seem nice,” Angie said, giving Ellie a genuine smile, “just give it some time - you’re cool enough.”  
  
Ellie nodded slowly.  
  
She had a strong feeling it was all bullshit, but she didn’t want to say anything that could possibly ruin her chances of getting a break around here.  
  
“Thanks.”  
  
  
  


(***)

  
  
  
  
The next few days within her class people were admittedly starting to treat her a lot nicer.  
  
It made her mood a lot better, and obviously it was showing, because Joel was starting to notice the difference in her.  
  
“Good day?” Joel asked once while cooking dinner. Ellie was sitting at the table, a book in one hand, a notepad in front of her and a pencil in the other hand. She was just reading casually and writing more notes about sexuality.  
  
“Interesting day, but admittedly it’s leaning towards the good side,” Ellie said, turning over a page in her book which was some shitty, steamy romance, but she was starting to understand them more now.  
  
“Interesting?” Joel asked.  
  
Ellie noted that his tone sounded both curious and even a little concerned.  
  
Ellie started to feel concerned too because of it.  
  
“Everyone’s being nice to me,” Ellie admitted, “all because one girl named Angie walked up to me and spoke to me. Now, I’m apparently, not that much of a social pariah.”  
  
Joel didn’t respond for a moment. She could tell he was trying to think of a way to warn her to be careful, but in a way that would still allow her to be hopeful that the bullshit was over, that she may be finally fitting in.  
  
“Just, be careful baby girl.”  
  
Ellie nodded.  
  
  


(***)

  
  
  
It was a month, just as Ellie had finally let her guard down, that something bad happened.  
  
Ellie stayed a little bit behind in class because she was hoping to get some extra credit work so she could catch up to everyone else in the class, because of how late she started and they refused to put her grades from the last class into consideration, she was a little bit behind everyone else, despite the fact that she knew her work was either of equal standard, or much better.  
  
She was shocked when she felt someone tap on her shoulder, and she turned around with a start.  
  
“Hey!” Angie said, giving Ellie a soft smile.  
  
“Uh,” Ellie bit her lip. She’d realised recently she had a bit of a crush on Angie. It was only small, but the girl was pretty. She had tan skin and dark hair, and her smile seemed to light up the room. It was minor in comparison to a lot of other crushes she had had, but it was still there and in the moment, obnoxiously so.  
  
“Hi,” Ellie finally responded, letting go of her lip and trying hard to appear natural.  
  
Angie’s smile seemed to widen, “me and a few friends are heading towards the lake to go ice skating - wanna come?”  
  
Ellie’s eyes widened. Her immediate thought was that yes, she wanted to, but…  
  
“I don’t have any skates,” she admitted, sounding a lot more disappointed than she had wanted to let on.  
  
“That’s fine,” Angie said, something in her expression flickering for a moment before she perked right back up, “I have some spares.”  
  
  


(***)

  
  
  
That was how Ellie ended up agreeing to going ice-skating. The air was cold and in her jacket she could feel herself shaking slightly, but she ignored it as she tightened up the skates that Angie had given her, which were, funnily enough, the perfect size.  
  
“I’ve never gone skating before,” Ellie admitted in a sheepish tone, “is it hard?”  
  
Angie shrugged, “it’s something,” she muttered. Her mood had changed slightly since they’d gotten to the lake, but Ellie had chosen to ignore it, “maybe you should go onto the ice on your own at first, just so you can get a feel for it.”  
  
Ellie looked over at the ice covering the lake. She’d been in the lake in summer, her and Joel had gone swimming it once during a time where Ellie hadn’t been able to deal with the pressure of everything going on around her. The lake was deep and refreshing in the summer, but in the Winter cold, looked nothing short of absolutely terrifying.  
  
“Um,” Ellie wanted to let her fear known, but didn’t want it to be the butt of some joke, so she shook her head to rid herself of nerves - it didn’t work but it was worth the attempt at least, “sure,” she finished lamely.  
  
A lot of Angie’s buddies were laughing around the lake, talking amongst each other. They would occasionally glance in Ellie and Angie’s direction, but they didn’t speak to either of them.  
  
Ellie was waiting for some form of sign that she was allowed out on the ice, but nothing came. She was sitting in the cold with ice-skates on, and everyone else seemed to be waiting.  
  
“Ellie’s gonna go first!” Angie announced suddenly, “she’s new to skating - let her get a feel for the ice.”  
  
Someone snickered nearby but otherwise it was eerily quiet. Ellie felt herself shaking but she tried to convince herself it was just from the cold.  
  
She stood up slowly, struggling to walk confidently because of her nerves and because of the skates. It was hard to walk in them, a lot harder than she had imagined they would be.  
  
She headed over to the edge of the ice and put her right skate on it first. Slowly edging herself towards the middle, she managed to skate a bit and a few times she felt like her stomach was falling out onto the ice in front of her.  
  
Eventually she ended up in the middle and turned to look at Angie.  
  
“I made it!” Ellie said, her voice shaking. She could feel the cold starting to reach her bones, she was shaking horribly, more than she would care to admit.  
  
Angie was looking at her with quite a blank expression, as was everyone else. She turned slowly on the ice, looking around all the faces surrounding the lake. None of them looked like they were having fun anymore.  
  
None of them were pretending to have fun anymore.  
  
Before Ellie could think to do anything, before she could even step once in an attempt to skate closer to the edge, she heard the sound of a gun and then something hard and fast impale the ice.  
  
She turned around in time to notice the familiar shape of a bullet, before the ice started cracking around her.  
  
  


(***)

  
  
  
Joel gasped and felt his heart beat instantly quicken at the sound of a gunshot.  
  
In a place like this, you eventually get used to them. People on the wall were always shooting and killing stray runners and clickers - it was a part of keeping the community safe. But this gunshot sounded nothing like the usual rifles that he oft heard echoing around the place. Besides, this was a lot closer and not in direction of the wall.  
  
He looked at the time. Ellie should have been home an hour ago.  
  
He opened the front door and ran.  
  
  


(***)

  
  
  
Ellie felt herself sinking. Sinking deeper and deeper into the cold water. She could feel the water chilling her to her bones, to her lungs, chilling every fibre of her being. For a second, she floated there, almost tempted to just give up, breathe in the water, into her lungs, and let her just drown. It’d be so much easier than fighting the heavy water. What would happen if she survived? Would they lure her into another dangerous area? No, she wouldn’t be dumb enough to fall for it, they’d have to kidnap her.  
  
She could feel her lungs burning now with something more than just cold; the need for air was becoming a more pressing fact in her brain, and every single part of her brain was screaming at her to breathe in, to get air.  
  
She opened her eyes which immediately stung with the cold and started swimming upwards where she could see the sun.  
  
  


(***)

  
  
  
Joel new where to go when he saw a bunch of teenagers running away from the lake.  
  
He stopped a boy who looked like a nervous wreck in their tracks, grabbing the boy by the shoulders, and slammed him into the nearest tree. Several bits of bark crumbled to the ground and he swore he saw the tree shudder slightly from the force of it all.  
  
“What’s happened?” Joel asked, sounding dangerous. His voice wasn’t shaking whatsoever, but he could feel the hand that wasn’t pinning the boy against the tree was.  
  
“I-I.”  
  
“Answer me!” Joel yelled in the young boys face.  
  
“They lured a girl to the ice!” the boy responded, turning his face away from Joel’s and screwing his eyes shut in fear, “they shot the ice and she’s fallen in - she’s probably d-.”  
  
Joel dropped the boy and he slid down the trunk of the tree. He looked relieved to be let go and didn’t bother getting back up as Joel turned and started running towards the lake.  


 

(***)

  
  
  
Ellie broke the surface of the water and immediately breathed in a big gulp of fresh, cold air, that stung her lungs to the point where she almost didn’t want to breathe in again. It burnt and it was painful, but she knew it was what was best for her, so she kept gulping in lungfuls of air in an attempt to stay conscious.  
  
She looked around and tried to remain calm, she was thankful in this moment that Joel had used all those summer lake times to teach her to swim.  
  
She looked at the ice. The slippery, wet, weak looking ice.  
  
Now she just had to figure out how to get out of here.  
  


(***)

 

  
  
Joel finally reached the lake, he took a minute to assess the situation in front of him. He could see movement in the water in front of him and he could see how weak the ice looked.  
  
He gripped at his hair tightly, what the fuck was he going to do.  
  
“I’m coming for you Ellie!” Joel shouted, his voice shaking - he was hoping that Ellie didn’t hear just how much confidence he lacked in that statement, “I’m comin’!”  
  
  


(***)

  
  
  
Ellie could hear Joel and tried to peer over the ice so she could see him, but that proved a lot harder than she thought it would be. Her legs and arms were starting to get tired and go a little rigid from the cold. Everything was starting to hurt, she had to do something fast.  
  
She swam closer to the edge and tried to move her arms on top of the ice. It took a while, but she pushed and got onto the ice on her stomach. She heard something and gasped and tried not to move as she felt the ice shudder underneath her.  
  
She looked up now that she was on the ice and saw Joel slowly heading over to her. He was in the middle, between safety and danger.  
  
“The ice is going to break again!” Ellie warned him. He just nodded and kept edging closer to Ellie.  
  
Ellie slowly started pulling herself along the ice. It was agonizing, her teeth were chattering, her fingers stiffening. She finally pushed herself off the dangerous part of the ice, just as a massive chunk broke off and started to float around in the water.  
  
Joel rushed over, making the ice shake slightly, and grabbed Ellie’s arms, dragging her across the ice until they got to safety, where Ellie ended up on her feet, shaking from head to toe.  
  
Joel gripped her shoulders tight and pulled her into a hug.  
  
Ellie broke down. The hot tears running down her cheeks, mixed with Joel’s arms being wrapped around her, seemed to be the only thing keeping her warm.  
  
  


(***)

  
  
  
Joel rushed Ellie back inside the house and got her into the lounge room. Ellie felt like she could finally breathe when she finally looked around her and noticed that she was home. She felt ten times warmer, and definitely ten times safer.  
  
“You need to get these clothes off, now,” Joel muttered, taking off Ellie’s jacket. Ellie, however, was in too much shock to really notice.  
  
She was looking around the lounge room, trying to convince herself it was all real, and only seemed to snap back into reality when Joel was holding a towel in front of her, looking concerned.  
  
“Here,” Joel said, kind of pushing the towel in her arms and looking her in the eyes very pointedly, “take the towel, it’s warm.”  
  
Ellie nodded slowly and took the towel and, just as slowly, wrapped it tightly around her.  
  
“I need you to sit down - you uh, have a deep cut on your upper thigh,” Joel muttered.  
  
Ellie looked down and noticed that there was blood slowly dripping down her leg. She sighed and sat down on the couch.  
  
“You saw me naked,” Ellie said with almost a childish giggle.  
  
Joel rolled his eyes and got down in front of her with a first aid kit - something they had created together for their house. It had everything you could possibly need from things to heal burns, ammo, an extra gun, band-aids or the appropriate stitching equipment needed for much deeper wounds.  
  
“That doesn’t matter right now,” he muttered, moving the towel a little up her thigh and wiping at her wound with a clean rag. It burnt - the familiar burn of alcohol comforted Ellie, as did the smell of it rising to her nose.  
  
He cleaned at the wound and Ellie could see that he was pointedly looking at the gash and nowhere else. She tried to keep the towel down, for his sake and hers.  
  
Ellie zoned out during the stitching process. She looked at the walls, there were a few things on it. A shelf holding a mixture of comics of Ellie’s, some books that were a mix of Ellie’s and Joel’s, and a photo-frame that had a photo of Joel and Sarah in it, something that Tommy had picked up from Joel’s old house, before the world had turned upside down.  
  
She came back down to Earth when Joel was starting to dress her in warmer clothes. She had jeans and underwear back on, and now he was trying to pull the towel away from her upper half.  
  
“I’m not going to look Ellie,” Joel said, sounding sympathetic. Ellie almost was amused - as if that were the problem, if anything she wouldn’t have minded Joel looking at her - but those thoughts were still something she was yet to come to terms with, so she repressed them once more.  
  
“I just want to help,” Joel said in a soft voice that Ellie didn’t even know Joel was capable of, “you’re in shock and unfortunately I need you to trust me.”  
  
Ellie didn’t know whether she responded at all - whether she said anything or simply nodded her head. But she moved her arms slightly and let the towel drop onto the floor, where it stayed around her feet, it was damp and cold and it reminded her of everything she had just been through.  
  
She felt Joel raise her arms and go behind her to put her bra on. Then raise her arms above her head to put her shirt on for her. Then, she felt the soft material of her robe on her arms, and she finally felt like she could breathe again.  
  
She was home.  
  
She was with Joel.  
  
  


(***)

  
  
  
For dinner, soup was the option, which Ellie definitely had no arguments about. She ate it slowly and enjoyed the feeling of steam rising towards and warming her face. Even though she was definitely no longer freezing, she would occasionally still shake from some form of chill, and every little flashback she had definitely seemed to make the cold around her much more prominent.  
  
“What were you doing out there today?” Joel asked. He was looking at her in a way that meant that he was scared to find out. He pitied her, and hated hearing about everything she went through, whether it was at school or on the wall - or even just snippets from her past.  
  
“I was invited to go ice-skating,” Ellie said in a monotonous voice, “turned out they didn’t intend on me doing much skating.”  
  
Joel looked at her as if waiting for more information, but Ellie simply shrugged and slurped at the soup. It was rabbit and it was genuinely really good. But it was almost like her taste-buds were broken. It was like they were frozen.  
  
“I need you to tell me the names of everyone who was there,” Joel said suddenly. Ellie looked up with slight alarm.  
  
But Joel looked serious, he looked absolutely furious and strangely enough - it was scaring Ellie, even though she knew it wasn’t intended for her.  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Just,” Joel sighed, “trust me. I need to know their names. Their addresses if you know them-.”  
  
Ellie shook her head, “no.”  
  
There was an awkward moment of silence where Joel looked at her with a mix of worry and confusion, with a side of that anger that had shown earlier.  
  
“Why,” Joel asked, sounding as confused as he looked.  
  
Ellie shrugged, “just trust me,” she said, mimicking the words he had said just a few seconds ago, “I’m alive. They’re going to fear me. They’re not going to do anything else. Because if they do, they’re fucked.”  
  
Joel didn’t know what to say.  
  
Ellie had more of her soup.  
  
  


(***)

  
  
Joel had made sure Ellie had gone to bed in his bed that night. He didn’t care if he walked in later and she had taken up all of the room, he would either sleep in her bed or on the couch. The girl needed a warmer bed, and he felt as if she were safer in there.  
  
There was a knock on the door, and against the silence of the night and the house, it seemed loud. Joel hissed and headed over to the door, opening it and glaring at his younger brother.  
  
“Could you be any louder?” Joel asked in a Texan sarcastic whisper.  
  
Tommy flinched and looked sheepish, “I’m sorry.”  
  
Joel rolled his eyes and opened the door wider, inviting Tommy in. Tommy walked in and sniffed at the air before sitting down where Ellie had sat during dinner.  
  
“Soup?”  
  
Joel didn’t respond.  
  
“So, what happened today Joel?” Tommy asked, “one of the boys told his parents you had harassed him-.”  
  
“Ha,” Joel cut him off, “well that boy almost got Ellie killed, and if he didn’t, he was a witness to what his shitty little friends did,” Joel snapped.  
  
Tommy’s eyes widened, “I repeat my question,” he said stiffly, “what happened?”  
  
Joel went into the story of how he had heard the gunshot and how he had known it wasn’t coming from the wall. How he had left the house and noticed the teenagers running away from the scene of the crime and how, yes, he had randomly grabbed a young boy and pinned him against the tree, questioning him on what had happened. He confessed that it hadn’t been the nicest method, but definitely one of the most effective. He explained how he had ran to the lake just in time to help Ellie get out of the water and he had gotten the two of them home.  
  
“So, what has Ellie said about the incident?” Tommy asked, looking a little paler in the light coming from the kitchen, “you’re gonna need names if you want anything to happen to the little assholes who did this - I’m sure Maria will sort somethin’ out.”  
  
Joel shook his head then, looking defeated, “she won’t tell me anything yet,” he muttered, “she says that they’re going to be scared because she’s alive and that’ll be punishment enough or something like that,” he sighed, “she’s stubborn and, I think she might even be ashamed.”  
  
“Ashamed?” Tommy asked, sounding confused, “what, she asked for this to happen to her?”  
  
Joel was sometimes astounded by just how dumb Tommy could be.  
  
“No,” Joel was tempted to roll his eyes again, “she’s ashamed because she couldn’t control the situation herself,” Joel looked towards his bedroom, where he hoped Ellie was sleeping soundly, with no nightmares of what had occurred that afternoon, “she’s ashamed she couldn’t get out of it by herself.”  
  
  


(***)

 

  
  
Ellie woke up that morning and immediately fell into a panic attack. She didn’t want to go to school, she wasn’t ready after everything that had happened the afternoon before - she didn’t think she could face them all right now when she was still recovering. She swore she could feel cold creeping up her legs, up to her hips, it was going through her lungs again, then through her throat. She felt as if there was a block of ice lodged in there, freezing her windpipe shut so she couldn’t breathe. Hot tears were coming out of her eyes and running down her face but that wasn’t enough to melt what was suffocating her.  
  
“Ellie, Ellie - you’re okay baby girl, you’re okay-.”  
  
There was arms suddenly wrapped around her torso and she started to calm down. Her eyes dried up and the warmth started to melt the imaginary ice block in her throat - she felt herself starting to breathe with ease again.  
  
“I’m…sorry…” Ellie choked out.  
  
She started crying, she couldn’t stop her body from shaking, she couldn’t repress her sobs,  
  
She was crying into Joel’s chest. She couldn’t stop.  
  
“We’ll fix this,” Joel said in a reassuring voice, “I’ll make sure of it.”  
  


(***)

  
  
  
It was two weeks before Ellie was allowed back at school again. When she walked into the classroom, late, with Joel right behind her, even Ms Hubbs seemed to look at her with sympathy. Of course Ms Hubbs had to be told about the situation so she wouldn’t immediately fail Ellie and put her down as truanting.  
  
She looked towards the class, but didn’t look directly at anyone. She ignored the stares and the whispering towards the back of the class.  
  
“Knock it off,” Joel snapped, and two girls who were gossiping at the back immediately stopped and looked sheepishly around the room.  
  
There was a knock on the door-frame and Ellie turned to look around. There stood Maria and two men who were high up - they managed a lot of the shifts at the wall and were the trainers for anyone who was interested in working shifts.  
  
“Morning,” Maria said curtly to everyone, she gave Ms Hubbs and appreciative nod and then turned back towards the class.  
  
“Ellie,” she said. She said Ellie’s name in a way that sounded like they didn’t know each other whatsoever before this moment. It was professional and unfortunately for Ellie, that made this situation all the more scary for her.  
  
“Who was at the lake that day?” Maria asked, her voice was chilling. She looked at Angie who looked pale and definitely shaken.  
  
She pointed at nine individual students and Maria looked at them with a dark expression that Ellie was sure even terrified Joel.  
  
“You lot, get up and follow me,” Maria said, “bring your bags with you.”  
  
  


(***)

 

  
  
Ellie spent the rest of the day at home but was told by Ms Hubbs that she needed to be back in the class by tomorrow at the very least. Ellie was starting to feel a lot better about the situation, knowing now that Maria was handling it, and didn’t mind so much.  
  
“How you feelin’?” Joel asked, looking at Ellie with a mix of worry but also hopefulness.  
  
They had come here, to where Tommy and Maria were, so they could start a somewhat normal life. Yes the infected were still nearby but they were a lot safer here than they had been out there. But what they hadn’t counted on was the danger that people provided - and not necessarily bandits.  
  
People who didn’t need to fight for their lives and were just nasty were just as terrifying as the bandits and infected they had faced during their search for the fireflies.  
  
“I’m okay,” Ellie muttered. She looked out the window, out on a tree there was a bird bouncing up and down on a twig, knocking down a few leaves onto the ground below. She sighed deeply and turned to Joel again.  
  
“I have to be okay.”


	3. 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NaNo Word Count: 12,083.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this update took so long! I have been in a bit of a writing slump and my laptop screen is broken so I've had to set my laptop up through my TV so I have a clear screen. I guess you could say my laptop is more of a desktop now. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and that it makes you want to read more.

Chapter Three

  
_ 17 _

 

A lot can happen in a year.

As if the previous years hadn’t been action-packed, because they definitely had, but over the course of the last year, a lot had changed.

The biggest thing was that they’d had a break-in, the infected had managed to get past the walls, they’d ended up, in the least graphic of terms, fucking up the school building…and the students inside.

A lot of parents had lost their children that day, their adopted children, their foster children, their own flesh and blood. The screams of youth losing their lives to an evil they didn’t fully understand still haunted Ellie in a way she could never describe, not to Joel, not to Maria or Tommy. She didn’t have the words to describe her survivor's guilt - because she hadn’t been at school that day, even though she should have been.

Joel had asked a few times where she had been, what she had been doing in order to come out of nowhere with a gun strapped to her back, ready to blow some infected heads off. Ellie had never answered the question, she felt a little too ashamed, but she did wonder if eventually, the reason Joel had stopped asking was that he had drawn his own conclusion. Because Ellie, while she had run up to Joel, joining him fight the infected that had broken through, she hadn’t run out alone.

Ellie was more than a little ashamed to admit she had skipped school in favour of making out with a girl named Maddy. Maddy had asked Ellie for help with shooting, it was one of the things Maddy could never properly grasp and Ellie was notoriously known for being a good shot - so Ellie had agreed to tutor her. One thing had led to another, hormones rushing through the both of them, and then - they heard the screaming.

Remembering it now made Ellie want to throw up.

  
(** ** _flashback_** **)

 

Ellie ran as fast as she could, her weapon strapped to her back, ready to be pulled out once she got there - it was one of the things she hated about her rifle, she couldn’t exactly run with it like Joel easily could. Speaking of the man, she could recognise the back of his head in the distance. She ran faster, could see he had his own rifle, and a pistol tucked into a holster on his hip, ready if needed.

When Ellie finally caught up with him, she noticed Joel looked pale and even a little shaky.

“Joel-Joel, what’s going on?”

Joel looked down at Ellie and there was an instant look of relief, followed by guilt, “w-we need to move, the screams are coming from the school.”

Ellie felt the blood drain from her face but started running with Joel nonetheless.

Thoughts of Maddy completely left her mind when they made it to the building. They could hear the screeches and clicks of the infected, and the screams of fear and pain from the students. People that Ellie had known for years now.

Tommy was on the other side, shooting a few of the infected that were starting to leave the building, probably attempting to attack people in the rest of the settlement now. Maria was there with him, shooting at anything that Tommy wasn’t aiming for.

Ellie hated the silence that came after they had supposedly shot all of the infected. Tommy glanced at Joel, a look that said that they were going in, Ellie wanted to go in too, but she knew it would be better if she stayed back. She knew how serious this situation was and her rash decisions weren’t going to help the cause, especially if she somehow got herself hurt. She could still remember the look of fear on Joel’s face, which she now realised why he had been so terrified in the first place - Joel had thought Ellie had been at school.

“Maria, it’s clear,” she heard Tommy say.

Maria moved into the building and Ellie started to follow. She heard Joel make a sound.

“Ellie, don’t come in here-.”

But it was too late. She had already entered the building.

The part of the building she entered was the classroom she had been in for the majority of this year, though occasionally they would change the rooms up. The generator had either been damaged or died at just the right time because no power was in the room, it was dark, desks were strewn everywhere, as well as textbook and notebook pages. Pens, pencils, things that had been scavenged and re-made in their time at the settlement.

There were people, students her age and older, in the room, growing. It seemed that some of the older students, her classmates, had made their way into this room in order to protect the younger ones. There were a few guns in the room, in places where they had obviously been dropped when their owners had been attacked. It reminded Ellie of something Joel had once said to her during shooting practice, something Ellie had repeated moments earlier to Maddy - who had followed her into the building and was looking at all the wounded students, horrified. These were her classmates too.

_A gun isn’t much good if you don’t know how to use it_

The saying was pretty standard, but the example was right in front of her right now.

Joel gave her a look that told her that he definitely hadn’t wanted her to come in because of this exact reason. There was also a flash of anger in his eyes and she wondered whether it was directed at her, or the situation. She hoped it was the situation because she couldn’t handle being yelled at right now.

Joel, Tommy and Maria went separate ways, occasionally she could hear one of them say to the other ‘clear,’ ‘this room is clear.’

Occasionally she’d hear a gunshot and then an eerie silence. She knew that these gunshots were mercy killings and it made her stomach turn.

She heard a groan behind her and she jumped. At first in the darkness, she could only see a toppled over filing cabinet.

She looked down and there was Sadie - Sadie had been in the year above her and had been a classmate of Ellie’s when they had been in the same year group. She had been a bitchy ‘it’ girl back then and Ellie had resented her but had also found her really attractive, because everyone found Sadie attractive, but Sadie didn’t look as beautiful as she typically was right now.

Her hair was covered in blood as was most of her face, her body was twisted in an uncomfortable position that Ellie was sure meant broken bones. There was a bite and a chunk of flesh taken out of her right arm.

“Ellie…” Sadie looked up at Ellie with pleading eyes, “please…I…I don’t want to be like them…”

It was undeniable, Sadie had been bitten in the altercation, she would probably be one of the infected by tomorrow - she wasn’t immune.

Ellie had admittedly never met another immune, another person like her.

“I…I can’t,” Ellie stuttered. Maddy was avoiding Sadie’s gaze, she didn’t want to do it either, even though they both knew it was the best thing for the settlement, and for Sadie.

“Please,” Sadie begged.

Ellie slowly brought her rifle around.

“C-close your eyes,” Ellie whispered. Her voice was shaking, even though Ellie had no reason to be afraid, she wasn’t the one who was about to die.

Sadie did as she was told. She closed her eyes, grimaced in pain and grabbed at the dusty floor as if that would help somehow.

Ellie directed the gun at Sadie’s head, that way there would be no chance of her missing and putting Sadie in more pain than was necessary.

“Y-you did great Sadie,” Ellie said - she felt too awkward to let the girl go in silence, “your parents would be proud - they’re…they’re gonna be happy to see you.”

Tears were streaming down her face, tears were streaming down Sadie’s face too, she was nodding, knocking Ellie’s aim off slightly, but not enough.

Ellie pulled the trigger.

The large bang echoed around the room. It made Ellie shudder as she pulled her weapon back. She tried not to look at the mess that was the remains of Sadie’s head, there were brains all over the filing cabinet, the floor and the wall behind it. It made Ellie’s stomach turned - she had to keep telling herself that she had done the right thing.

Shakily, she stood straight, put her rifle back where it had been on her back, and sighed.

“Clear.”

 

(***)

  
Ellie sat on the couch in the lounge room of her home. They’d moved from their last house, this one was a lot bigger, a lot better built, though admittedly she sometimes missed the older, improperly built one. This house was a bit closer to the richer side of the settlement, and Ellie often found herself wondering just how Joel had managed to nab a place like this.

The couch was comfortable enough that she was able to lie down but too open for her to go to sleep. She could hear Tommy and Joel talking in the kitchen about what had happened at the school and what was going to happen now. They were talking about what had gone wrong, how had five infected and two clickers managed to get past the wall and into the settlement?

There had only been three survivors. A girl named Lisa who had run from the school to go and get help, a boy named Maverick who had done nothing but simply run home, and another boy named Alexander, who had the brains to hide in a storage cupboard and keep his mouth shut.

No teachers had survived and the rest of the students had either not been there, or had died.

“What do we do now that there…” she heard Tommy sigh and she could imagine him running a hand through his hair, like he usually did in stressful situations, “damn it Joel, what do we do now that there isn’t enough children or a decent enough building for a school?”

“I don’t know Tommy-.”

“There’s no point in putting in the time and resources for a new school building with no teachers and no students, and nobody is going to want to go back into the building all those children were slaughtered in.”

Ellie cringed at that word. The word slaughtered held such a big impact on her right now. She tried to remind herself once again that her shooting and killing Sadie had been a mercy killing, not just her outright killing someone for no reason. She wasn’t a murderer.

But how many times in the schoolyard had she wished that Sadie would just shut up? How many times had she wished that the girl would stop talking about her cute clothes, her dead parents, the guys she found hot that were decades older than her and way out of her league? Ellie closed her eyes tightly. She saw herself shooting Sadie in the head, her brains splattering across the wall, except this time she wasn’t threatened with becoming an infected, this time she was just talking and Ellie shot her.

Ellie opened her eyes, she didn’t really need to see that shit right now.

She looked over towards where the dining room and kitchen started. She couldn’t see much more than someone’s jean covered leg as Tommy and Joel spoke in the kitchen. She was sure she wasn’t meant to be hearing any of this.

“Where was Ellie?” Tommy asked suddenly, “I know she’s immune and she wouldn’t have been harmed like that…”

“She wasn’t at school today,” Joel muttered, there was a moment of silence where Ellie assumed was reserved for a quick sip of coffee, “I haven’t asked her why yet, I didn’t think it was an appropriate time to mention it.”

“You need to talk to her about it at some point Joel.”

Ellie dreaded that moment.

“Don’t you find it a little suspicious that…I don’t know…Ellie happened to not be there…”

Ellie felt the room grow colder.

“Are you trying to suggest something Tommy?” Joel’s voice had gotten lower, dangerously so.

Ellie wanted to feel even a little offended but she couldn’t say she wouldn’t suspect the same thing of someone else. She knew she was going to be questioned about her whereabouts, and she was lucky enough that she was with Maddy at the time because Maddy would solidify her alibi. She was just going to say that she was trying to teach Maddy how to use a weapon - they didn’t need to know about the other stuff and she hoped Maddy thought the same way because she hadn’t exactly told Joel anything about the fact that she thought she might be bisexual.

She laid back and tried to block out the sound of the two men talking. She could hear birds outside which felt odd considering how dark the day had quickly become. It was a nice spring day, flowers were blooming, colourful and pretty, she was even sure she’d seen a bee today which were supposedly extinct, she didn’t really know, she’d never focused much on her environmental studies. You didn’t expect such tragedies to happen on days like this. You expected things like this to happen when it was thundering and storming and it felt like it was never going to end.

 

(** ** _end flashback_** **)

  
Ellie curled up in her bed, she wasn’t feeling good about everything today. She had promised Maddy yesterday that they would hang-out today, especially considering that Maddy had said, in a very serious tone, that they had to talk.

Dread filled her stomach and she curled up tighter and pulled the cover over her head.

Ellie and Maddy had started dating not long after the incident. Nobody knew about it, Maddy didn’t know how her parents would take it, and Ellie had no idea if she even owed it to Joel to tell him - it wasn’t like Joel was her father, it technically wasn’t any of his business.

Yet she still cared what he thought so…she was lost to be perfectly honest.

She poked her head out from under the covers when she heard the familiar sound of Joel making his way to the kitchen for his morning coffee. Oh how that man had missed his coffee, and now it was practically a part of his bloodstream. Ellie had tried it once and found she had liked it, but she needed more sugar in it while Joel could have it both sweet and bitter depending on the mood he was in. Ellie had no idea how he did it.

She slowly got up - days didn’t feel so impossible if she at least had breakfast with Joel. Even though there were still some things that she hid from Joel, such as her sexuality, it felt good to have someone to talk to about a bunch of other things, like her fears - which oddly she found a lot less personal.

She put on a pair of shorts and headed into the kitchen. Joel was standing with his back to her, looking down at a piece of paper that was on the bench - probably a letter that had been left on their doorstep, Joel tended to get a lot of those.

“Morning,” Ellie muttered, noticing her voice shook slightly. She’d been like this for a while now, too scared to make a sound.

Joel turned around hastily, he looked her up and down and frowned.

“You alright, kiddo?”

Ellie shrugged, “dunno,” she looked anywhere but at Joel and busied herself with making herself her own hot beverage for the morning.

She heard Joel sigh.

“You know, we used to have these things called therapists.”

She frowned, now she faced Joel. She noticed that his face looked tired - he looked older than usual.

“You been working hard lately?” Ellie asked, completely ignoring what Joel had said.

“What?” he asked, he rubbed his face, “uh, yeah, sure.”

Ellie frowned. He was lying. Joel was always a hard person to read when it came to some things, and usually, he was a good liar, but this time there was something off. It was like he wanted Ellie to catch him out, to ask questions. He hadn’t been working lately, at least not in construction, and Tommy, true to his word, hadn’t bothered requesting another building for educational purposes.

Ellie wondered if he was having nightmares like she was.

“Anyway, what’s a therapist?” Ellie asked, remembering what Joel had said before she had rudely interrupted him.

Joel moved around the countertop and over towards the stools - Ellie noticed that he took the letter with him. He sat down and took a sip of his coffee.

“A therapist is someone who listens to your problems, your thoughts, your deepest secrets - they don’t tell anyone or judge you unless they think you’re going to be a harm to yourself-.”

“Have you ever spoken to one?” Ellie asked, her curiosity killing her.

Joel nodded slowly, “I did when I was younger when I was a teenager I had a lot of issues. A lot of fears.”

Ellie scoffed, “they must seem pretty small when you consider the fact that you survived the apocalypse.”

Joel smiled, amused, “quite.”

Ellie finished making herself a drink, she took a sip burning her tongue slightly, but hey - that’s the way she liked it.

“So, what’s the difference between a therapist and just a friend you tell everything to?” Ellie asked, “why the fancy title?”

“Therapists are certified to take care of your problems and they often give advice that isn’t biased.”

“Huh…” Ellie put a finger to her lips in a fake thoughtful expression, “so every time you gave me advice without caring about my feelings you were actually just being my therapist?”

Joel rolled his eyes, “shut up.”

 

(** ** _flashback_** **)

 

  
“Everything is going to be different now, isn’t it?” Maddy said, looking at the abandoned and almost haunted looking old school building. It had been a few days since the attack. All the bodies had been removed, funerals had been held all over the place and then there had been one massive memorial service just yesterday.

“Yeah,” Ellie said. She didn’t tell Maddy about the fact that there wasn’t going to be a new school building. That there were no teachers left, not enough students to bother with, and basically all the leftover students would have to go to work for the settlement, whether it be farming, or training for the wall, which Ellie personally thought wouldn’t happen for many considering it meant facing clickers and infected on a regular basis.

It was a sad reality but Ellie was sure the survivors who had actually been in the school building at the time mostly suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder and hadn’t left their homes since the incident. Especially Maverick, who in the event had actually lost his twin sister, Gwen.

“Are you going to go funny on me too, Ellie?” Maddy asked suddenly. Ellie turned to look at her, Ellie hadn’t realised she had been staring out towards the abandoned building.

“What do you mean?” Ellie asked, only half concentrating on the conversation.

“Everyone has been treating me weirdly ever since it happened,” Maddy admitted, looking glum.

Ellie cocked up an eyebrow.

“They treat me like I should have been there,” Maddy said, “even my parents…they act as if they wish I had been in there most days.”

Ellie sighed, “I’m sure they don’t genuinely think that Maddy. They’re probably just wondering why you skipped school in the first place.”

Ellie still hadn’t been asked why she hadn’t been there that day, but she had been waiting for it, especially after hearing Tommy’s tone, the way he suspected her of helping bring the infected in. Thinking about it again hurt. It hurt more than words could ever express. She felt like she had been turned on by a friend.

Joel, however, remained loyal. He hadn’t asked - but she knew he would soon. Because Tommy would keep asking and eventually Joel would realise it would be better for Ellie if he asked her about the truth instead of Tommy asking.

“It doesn’t seem like it,” Maddy said. She kicked her shoe in the grass, causing dirt to swirl in the air, “it’s like they’re jealous of the amount of sympathy stock a lot of the other parents are getting for losing their children.”

“Sympathy stock?”

“Yanno,” Maddy shrugged, “Maverick’s family got a bunch of food because of Gwen’s death, Sadie’s carer’s got a bunch of food but that might have been because they donated the remainder of Sadie’s clothing - the stuff she wasn’t wearing, anyway.”

Ellie had recently gotten a clothing delivery. She hoped none of it had once belonged to Sadie. She made a mental note to try and donate it back and hope none of it found its way back on her doorstep.

“If they’re jealous of that, then your parents are fucked up.”

  
(***)

 

“Ellie, could I uh - talk to you for a moment?”

Ellie looked up from the book she was only partially reading. She had been thinking about Maddy, how soft her skin and kisses were. Joel looked down at her, looking awkward.

Now was the time, Ellie knew it by the tone of his voice. He was going to question her about her whereabouts on the day of the attack.

“Sure,” she said. She put her bookmark in to mark her place. She had made it herself with the bark of the tree that had been outside her window of her old place - something to remember it by, as she was certain by now a young couple lived in their old house.

They moved into the dining room. There was a piece of paper and a pen sitting there. Tommy had obviously requested that Joel write everything down.

For some reason knowing this stung even more.

She sat down across from Joel, who looked like he would rather be anywhere than sitting across from Ellie at that very moment.

“I need you to know that it’s really important that you tell me the truth,” Joel said, his voice was a little shaky, “because if you don’t…you could end up in a lot of trouble. Understand?”

Ellie nodded once, “understood.”

Joel sighed. He rubbed his face tiredly, the man seemed to age by ten years in the few seconds that passed before he said, “Ellie, where were you the day of the attack? Why weren’t you in school?”

Even though Ellie had known this is what the whole conversation was about, she still felt a jump as her heart started to beat a little bit faster than normal. Weird.

“I…” Ellie sighed, “I knew you were going to question me soon and I’ve been practising my answer this entire time because it’s the truth, the honest to whatever truth, but holy shit I can’t say shit right now,” she said. This was all muttered in a slightly crazed tone. It made Ellie feel like she sounded guilty.

“Take your time baby girl,” Joel said in a comforting tone. That was all Ellie needed to hear to know that Joel knew, for a fact, that Ellie was innocent.

She sat back in her seat, sitting up straight, she put her hands on the table.

She could do this.

“I have a friend named Maddy, we’re in the same class and she’s always helped me out with majority of my school work,” she noticed Joel frown slightly, “I said help out - my grades are genuinely, I haven’t been cheating off of her,” Ellie found it amusing that Joel still found the time to make sure Ellie’s old school work was entirely her own, “while she’s always been good with textbook stuff, especially math, I’ve always been good at the physical stuff. Training.”

“What part of the training?” Joel asked, sounding suspicious. He feared the worst and unfortunately, it was the worst.

“Shooting,” Ellie admittedly sheepishly.

“Ellie, you know it’s illegal-.”

“It is illegal to use your gun outside of training and outside of shifts at the wall-.”

“And it’s also illegal to teach other’s how to use a weapon without a permit.”

Ellie nodded, again, sheepishly.

“So instead of-.”

“Instead of letting clickers into the settlement and allowing them to attack my classmates, I was instead pursuing other illegal, admittedly less illegal, activities,” Ellie cut him off, “yes.”

He sighed and put his head in his hands. Once again he looked tired, “oh Ellie, what am I going to do with you?”

  
(** _ **end flashback**_ **)

  
Admittedly, nothing had happened. She hadn’t been punished for the crimes she had technically committed, only because she had had to see what had happened at the school. If it had been anyone else, Ellie would have thought the special treatment was unfair. But to this day, she was still rather grateful for it - but she was sure it was written down on some form of record somewhere, and if she continued to do unlawful things, it would be used against her in order to get her kicked out of the settlement.

She was sitting next to Joel, eating breakfast. She looked at the watch on Joel’s wrist, the one she knew now had been given to him by Sarah, his daughter, for his birthday some twenty-odd years ago. It was almost 12 pm. She was going to have to meet up with Maddy soon.

She quickly finished up her breakfast and made sure to say goodbye to Joel before she left the house, heading for the same hill they had once sat at, days after the attack had occurred. It wasn’t a special spot, it wasn’t a favourite spot, it was just an easy one to find considering most spots in the settlement didn’t really have any particular landmarks in order to indicate what was what.

When she made her way towards the hill and she was halfway up it, she could see that Maddy was already sitting up there patiently, perching on a rock that poked out of the side slightly.

“Maddy,” Ellie said once she got up there, “hi.”

Maddy gave her a small sheepish smile and a wave, “hi.”

She didn’t get off of her rock and give Ellie a kiss of greeting like she usually did, which immediately set off alarm bells in Ellie’s head. Something was wrong, something big was about to happen.

“I need to talk to you about something, it’s pretty serious,” Maddy said with a small sigh.

Ellie sat down and crossed her legs exactly where she had just stood.

“You know how I always used to say that one day I would love to venture outside of the wall, just for a little bit, just, yanno. For some adventure?”

Ellie already didn’t like where this was going.

“Yeah…”

Maddy squirmed in her seat slightly, “and how I always used to say it was because this place was boring as hell and you never got to do anything real unless you were working on the wall. The place where all the action is.”

Ellie didn’t say anything, she didn’t even nod.

“My parents want to go outside the wall,” Maddy said, “they think it’s too dangerous being locked up in here. Beyond the wall, if the infected find you, you have your weapons constantly on you. There is no ‘locking them up for the night’ type of bullshit, yanno?”

“It’s safer that way,” Ellie muttered, feeling a little defensive. That had been a rule Maria had put into place, and she adored Maria, “gun control is necessary.”

“If you didn’t have to lock up your weapons all the time, then so many people wouldn’t have died,” Maddy said. Ellie knew instantly that this was a line the poor girl had been fed by her parents, “besides, when you’re in the wild and getting hunted down, you can just run and hide. When you’re in here, you’re stuck-.”

“With several hundred people who all have weapons and can take a clicker down in seconds. Hell, they can even take down a bloater in seconds.”

Maddy frowned, “what’s a bloater?”

Ellie laughed, an almost cruel type of laugh that she felt partially ashamed about, “you expect to be able to go out there and fend for yourselves when you don’t even know what a bloater is? You don’t even know what you’re truly facing out there! Besides, it isn’t just the infected you have to worry about, you have to worry about humans in large groups too-.”

“Just because you’ve been out there in the rough of it all doesn’t mean you know everything about it either, Ellie,” Maddy said, sounding irritated, “I thought of all people you would understand why my parents want to get out of here so badly. Why they want to get away.”

Ellie shook her head, frustrated tears burning her eyes, “no, I honestly don’t understand, I think your parents are being stupid - but if they want to go ahead and die, then that’s their fucking problem.”

Maddy’s jaw dropped, and Ellie felt herself feeling a sick amount of satisfaction.

“You know what? Fuck you,” Maddy got up, “I came here to talk to you calmly and tell you that obviously, we weren’t going to work out because of my moving away, but to be honest - I’m fucking glad we’re done, because you’re obviously not as good of a person as you make yourself out to be, little miss immune.”

Ellie stood up as well, “really, we’re-.”

“I wish I’d taken the day off,” Maddy said, “I wish I’d stayed at home for the day and that you’d gone to school.”

Ellie closed her mouth. She was shaking violently.

“You’re an abomination,” Maddy said, “a freak - and you shouldn’t be alive.”

Maddy ran down the side of the hill before she or Ellie could say anything else. It was the fastest she’d ever seen Maddy run, even faster than the day of the attack.

Ellie sunk back down to the dirt, she couldn’t stop shaking and couldn’t support her weight on her legs any longer.

Fuck everything.

 

 

(***)

  
Heading home, Ellie somehow sensed that her day was magically going to get even worse. She tried to convince herself for a moment that maybe she was just being a little pessimistic but something at the back of her mind told her to trust her gut instincts and prepare for something horrible and world-altering.

She let herself into the house, she was sometimes still struck by the size of it and sometimes found herself heading in the complete opposite direction to her old house. Maybe when she was old enough to live on her own and wanted the privacy of living on her own, she would try and convince the other people to move out of it so she could have it back. She would give up the master bedroom for her old room with the tree outside the window.

On the counter in the kitchen, she noticed that they’d gotten a new delivery of food. A lot of nice food, stuff that typically only their engineers would get. Like Sadie’s carers. Ellie knew Sadie’s carers got a lot of good food for the amount of time they put into bettering the settlement. She’d always been pissed that she and Joel didn’t get better food because construction also counted as bettering the settlement, but they had been left with barely enough food to cover them for the week.

She wondered for a second how Joel had managed to get that food without having done any construction work for the settlement for about a week.

She headed towards her room, she just wanted to pick up a book and escape the world for a little bit, but she froze when she heard moans and bed springs.

Ellie could feel her face go red. She knew what the combination of those two things meant. She looked out of her bedroom door towards the kitchen and saw the corner of the counter that held all of the food. She frowned.

Was Joel…? No….he wouldn’t.

Ellie sprung into action. She grabbed the pistol from underneath her pillow and headed towards Joel’s room, not even sparing a moment to think about the consequences.

She kicked open the bedroom door, a man that was behind Joel let out a high pitched scream, Joel yelled out something but Ellie wasn’t listening as she aimed the pistol at the other man's head.

“Get out!” she screamed loudly, so loudly she was sure the whole rich part of the settlement could hear it, “get the fuck out of here!”

The man didn’t need to be asked twice as he leapt off of the bed, rushing to grab his clothes, Ellie ignored his obvious nudity as he rushed out the bedroom door, he had the smarts to quickly put on a shirt and a pair of pants before exiting the house, running as if he had seen a ghost.

Ellie turned back round to face Joel, who was covering himself with a pillow and looking like, in that moment, he’d be quite happy if Ellie shot him right in the middle of the forehead with the pistol.

“I want an explanation,” Ellie said. Her pistol was back at her side, the hand holding it shaking slightly, with anger, fear, sadness, anxiety - she wasn’t entirely certain, but she knew that the emotion she was feeling right now was quite strong.

Joel didn’t say a word but simply nodded.

 

  
(***)

  
Ellie had left the room long enough to give Joel time to get decent, she sat at the dining room table refusing to look at the food on the counter, hell, if she didn’t need food so badly she’d refuse to eat it. But she was only willing to protest so far.

Now they were sitting across from one another, Joel at one head of the table and Ellie at the other.

They sat in silence and looked as if they were measuring up the other person. Joel was a good head taller than Ellie, but even without the gun, Ellie managed to look a whole lot more intimidating.

“So are you going to explain what happened, or…?” Ellie said slowly, both warily because she was scared of pushing him but also in a way that showed her patience for the situation was starting to wear thin.

“I wasn’t getting much work because lately there haven’t been many requests for buildings,” Joel said slowly, “I was hoping they’d want to build a new building for the education department but with limited teachers and resources, they didn’t see a point in wasting their workers’ efforts. Including mine,” he sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. He looked sweaty, tired and nervous. Ellie felt a little bad.

“So you moved to prostitution?” Ellie asked, she hadn’t tried to sound accusatory but that is how it came out, “because that’s what it looks like.”

Joel nodded slowly, “that’s what it is.”

Ellie felt herself loosen up slightly. She slumped, almost in defeat. She had hoped her shifts on the wall were helping pick up the slack, but they couldn’t both live on the small amount they got.

“Why Joel,” Ellie said, sadly, “why did you feel the need to go to such an extent? Without school, I could have picked up double the amount of shifts on the wall-.”

“I don’t like you working on the wall,” Joel admitted, he looked behind Ellie just over her shoulder. A part of her told her to turn around to make sure nothing was behind her, another part told her Joel was only doing this so he didn’t have to look directly into Ellie’s eyes, “I don’t like the thought of an infected getting that close to you - hurting you.”

“I don’t like you working on the wall either,” Ellie said in the same tone Joel had said it, dull admittance of the fact, “but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the work you put in, that doesn’t mean I unrealistically expect myself to go into prostitution to save both of our asses from starvation.”

“If you ever did that to yourself I would kick your ass-.”

“Why?” Ellie asked, “because I’m a female and my virginity is golden?” she rolled her eyes, “that’s sexist.”

Joel’s cheeks went red, “good to know you’re still a virgin.”

“Why?!”

“I was being sarcastic Ellie, I don’t care about your sex life.”

Ellie smirked, “then why can’t I be the prostitute?”

Joel groaned, “this isn’t the argument we’re having Ellie, this isn’t the way this topic was supposed to go.”

Ellie sighed, “I don’t want you to do this anymore. I will stop eating three meals a day if it means you no longer have to do this to yourself because I know it’s not as if you actually enjoy it-.”

“We need food-.”

“Well then I’m never eating again, simple,” Ellie said, “every meal you prepare for me, I will personally throw out, I don’t fucking want it.”

There was silence. Ellie knew that her threat was a genuine one to be feared and so did Joel, because Ellie was notorious for being stubborn, to a fault.

“I’m going to bed,” Ellie said, getting up suddenly, the chair skidding backwards on the floor and almost tumbling over, “I want to know your decision when I wake up.”

She didn’t wait for an answer as she stormed to her room and slammed the door.

 

(***)

  
For the next few days, the only time Joel and Ellie only seemed to talk is when they were working the same time on the wall, which in itself was rather rare. Ellie didn’t eat as much as she typically would, both as a sign of protest, but also so Joel wouldn’t feel the need to somehow secretly whore himself out in order to get more food. They needed to figure this out.

One day, Joel answered the door to a delivery of food that Ellie had earned for her shifts on the wall. It was a lot, Ellie had been requesting every shift she possibly could. Joel put it on the counter and sighed.

“I won’t do it anymore, okay?”

Ellie looked at Joel, with an honestly pleasant smile on her face, “that’s all I needed to hear.”

“You trust me?” he asked, sounding sceptical, to say the least.

“Of course,” Ellie said, “I know you wouldn’t lie to me - I know where you sleep.”

 

(***)

  
It was one of Ellie’s days off.

Typically she would have gone outside and hung out with Maddy or maybe finished up some school work, but Maddy and her parents had officially left the settlement, and well, the school wasn’t coming back anytime soon.

So instead, she went back to her old science experiment - why did people find Joel attractive?

She compared the attributes people described him to be and compared them to some of her favourite book characters and realised she found the book characters attractive, which once again made her realise that she found Joel attractive.

Now, she had kind of seen Joel partially naked (she knew he had that weird V-shaped hip thing going on that women went crazy over) and so her imagination now ran a little wilder than what she was used to.

She found herself staring into the distance for half an hour, imagining different scenarios. His hands on her hips, him kissing her lightly, then roughly, then somewhere in between. Ellie often tried to ignore these fantasies because there was still a part of her that felt like all of these thoughts were wrong and dirty, and not just because they were of Joel - but because she just felt uncomfortable acknowledging them.

Before she knew it, she was heading to the bathroom for an ice cold shower she felt she deserved.

 

(***)

  
The next few weeks went reasonably well. Ellie and Joel were getting along fine, work was going well and they had enough food to last them without any extracurricular income earning activities being necessary. Ellie was starting to feel good about herself again, despite still having those fantasies about Joel. Sometimes they got a little out of hand, to the point where she caught herself before moaning his name in her sleep. A talent that she didn’t know she had had, but a talent she was certainly grateful for.

So when Maddy’s parents returned to the settlement without their daughter following them, Ellie was certainly caught off guard.

Ellie was sitting in a room, waiting for Joel and Tommy to stop talking to Maddy’s parents. Their names were Veronica and Martin. They were both in their thirties as far as Ellie knew, Martin was intimidated by Joel because it was quite obvious that Veronica had a crush on him. Thankfully Joel had never once been tempted by Veronica and her middle-aged stress wrinkles.

“What exactly happened,” she could hear Tommy say.

“And where?” she heard Joel add-on, “we need to know how close to the settlement this happened, we need to prepare for an attack.”

We can’t have another one that kills half of our population, Ellie thought silently to herself. She would never dare say that aloud though.

“We don’t know where we were, it’s taken us days-months to find the settlement again, and it was entirely by accident!” this was Martin who was talking, who always sounded annoyingly high pitched and nasally. Joel had once described the way Martin spoke as a car salesman overly anxious to make a sale on a car whose mileage was a lot more than the car actually said it was. Ellie had no idea what Joel was talking about, which was usual for her.

“Okay, then can you at least tell us what happened?” Tommy repeated his question from earlier. To the untrained ear, Tommy would sound patient but Ellie knew he was either suspecting Veronica and Martin of something, or he was just downright losing his patience.

“We were travelling, and we heard a bunch of screaming,” Veronica said, her voice shaking, “Maddy was concerned, she thought it was someone who needed help, so she ran ahead of us - there was no way we could stop her - all she wanted to do was help…” Ellie heard Veronica start sobbing, loudly. Ellie felt her guts turn.

“She ran into a pack…a horde…of infected,” Martin said, sounding as if he was struggling to stay strong throughout the conversation, “we didn’t catch up until they…they were already tearing her apart.”

Maddy was dead.

Ellie got out of her seat and left the other room, heading outside into the hot sun. The door slammed behind her roughly as she headed towards the hill that she and Maddy would often sit together. Seeing the school buildings’ ruins was probably the last good thing for her right now, but she didn’t really care.

She only took a little bit of notice when she heard the door slam behind her a second time, but she was already heading towards the edge of the start of the hill by that point. She could hear heavy footsteps behind her but she didn’t turn around to see who was following her, but admittedly she was already pretty sure she knew who it was. She headed to the top of the hill, feeling tears begin to form and sting at her eyes when she saw the familiar rock that poked from the side of the hill. She’d always loved sitting there because it felt like a tiny cliff-side. Maddy had stolen the seat from her but Ellie hadn’t minded all that much.

She finally reached the rock and sat down on it, watching as Joel took the last few steps in order to catch up with her. He sat down beside her, on the grass, though he was sitting more besides rock than her, because she was sitting on the very edge, dangling her feet in the air, her feet only a few inches too short to touch the ground properly.

“Are you okay?” Joel asked stupidly, in a low, caring voice that almost made Ellie want to break down.

There were still times in her life where Ellie never quite understood why Joel, or anyone, truly even gave a fuck about her. The reality was she found herself a trouble-maker and unbearable, she wasn’t worth anybody's time or pain. But for some reason, Joel had found something in her that was worthwhile.

“No,” Ellie said, she realised now that tears had started to stream down her face, she wiped them away angrily with the back of her wrist.

“I know you and Maddy were close…it must be hard to overhear all of that…” Joel muttered. He sighed, “I had a feeling when her parents walked back into the settlement without her that something like that had happened…I shouldn’t have let you sit in the other rooms-.”

“It’s not just that we were close Joel,” Ellie scoffed, cutting him off in the process, “sometimes, you really are blind.”

Joel was silent for a few moments while Ellie tried to manage her breathing, trying to make it more stable and sound less crazed. Truly, it only half worked.

“You two were together,” Joel said, he said it as a matter-of-fact, “I know.”

Ellie frowned and turned towards Joel, who had nothing but a supportive look on his face.

“How did you know?” Ellie asked, sounding shocked and a little amused, “I tried so hard to keep it hidden from you.”

Joel snorted, “maybe next time don’t make out with her on top of a hill.”

Ellie had to laugh at that, despite the situation. It felt awfully sardonic, laughing and making jokes about Maddy and Ellie when Ellie had just found out that Maddy was dead.

Ellie frowned for a moment, recalling a conversation that she and Maddy had once had.

“Joel, I think there’s something fishy about Maddy’s death,” Ellie said. She knew she sounded crazy, just a little bit at least because there was no reason to suspect Maddy’s parents of anything but being honest about their daughters’ death.

“What’s that?” Joel asked. Despite the fact that Ellie thought she sounded crazy, Joel took what she said completely seriously. It was one of the things Ellie loved about him.

“I think she was murdered,” Ellie said, “by her parents.”

Joel urged her to go on.

“She once told me…after the attack at the school,” Ellie said this, her voice going darker, those days still haunted her, “that her parents were seemingly jealous of the attention the parents of dead children got. The extra, free food from neighbours, the…sympathy stock.”

She turned to look at Joel again - the older man was frowning, looking a little pale even.

“What happened after she told you that?”

“She got me to meet up with her a while later, told me her parents wanted to leave because they didn’t trust the safety of the settlement anymore,” she said, “they left and took Maddy with them.”

Joel got up, “you gonna be okay kiddo?” he asked, placing a supportive hand on her shoulder.

Ellie nodded slowly, giving him a weirdly suspicious look, “yeah, why?”

“Because I gotta go,” Joel said, looking almost regretful that he had to leave, “I have to tell Tommy your suspicions. I need to tell him that I think they’re fairly logical suspicions too.”

Ellie watched as Joel made his way down the hill. Ellie told herself to remind herself later to let Joel know just how grateful she was for his existence.

 

(***)

  
Ellie went home not long after Joel made his way back to Tommy to tell him Ellie’s suspicions. Joel didn’t get home until after dark where he told her the news that Veronica and Martin had been unable to show them the place where they had buried Maddy’s body, or where she had been attacked, even after the four of them, and five extra people who typically worked shifts on the wall, all took a little bit of a ‘road trip.’

Ellie was relieved that she had remembered what Maddy had said, but now she thought about how she wished she had begged and pleaded for Maddy to stay. To ignore her parent's wishes and to stay in the settlement. Ellie wished she had swallowed her pride and apologised. But she had let Maddy leave, for good.

Ellie cried herself to sleep that night, she couldn’t stop thinking about poor Maddy’s last moments, the moment she realised she had made a mistake, the moment she realised what her parents were doing to her, the moment she realised that she was never going to go back to the settlement. Ellie wondered to herself, did Maddy think of Ellie at all in her last moments? Or was she too busy thinking about how she wouldn’t be around for the next day? How her parents would probably get away with her murder because there were certainly no witnesses, and in this day in age, you could always just blame a random zombie.

Ellie didn’t even realise when she had gone to sleep. The only reason she knew she’d eventually fallen asleep was when she was shaken awake by a tired and concerned looking Joel.

“You’re crying in your sleep baby girl,” he murmured tiredly. His Texan accent was thicker when he was sleep deprived, which many women had assumed and claimed they would love to hear. Ellie was starting to realise she hated a lot of the other women in the settlement. Without saying much else, Joel nudged her over to one side of the bed, and without asking, Joel got into Ellie’s bed with her.

Ellie didn’t complain though. She needed to be held, she needed to feel less alone, less scared that someone or something was going to hurt her.

“I’m gonna explain to Tommy tomorrow that you can’t work your shift,” Joel said, half asleep and yawning somewhere in the middle, “I refuse to let you go to work tomorrow.”

Ellie refused to argue, and before she could even realise what was happening, she had stopped crying and was slowly going to sleep.

 

  
(***)

 

When Ellie woke up in the morning it was the most well-rested she had been in several months. She hadn’t realised just how heavily things had been weighing down on her, and just how much it was affecting her sleep. When she shifted a little in her sleep though, she realised just exactly why she had slept so well the night before.

She could feel Joel pressed behind her back, one of his big arms wrapped loosely around her waist, if fact, she thought, you could probably say it was mostly just thrown on top of her. Either way, it was a comforting feeling and she appreciated it.

What she hadn’t been expecting though, was shifting slightly and feeling Joel’s penis.

He wasn’t hard, no, unfortunately, Ellie knew what that already felt like, but it was definitely distinctive in the mess of hard limbs laying behind her. She tried to ignore it, telling her to just shut up and go back to sleep. But she could feel her face going red, and now her biggest fear was that Joel would sense that she was awake and would speak to her about her crying last night.

She closed her eyes and tried counting sheep, even though she hadn’t seen one in several months, so instead, she took the time to imagine what sheep looked like. By the time she was done she was just annoyed because she didn’t know whether she wanted her sheep to be black or white. Then she wondered if there had been such a thing as grey or brown sheep.

She sighed in frustration and opened her eyes. She wasn’t getting back to sleep anytime soon so she may as well just get up and get a drink. She pulled away from Joel and climbed over him in order to get to the kitchen, the only thing Joel did was mutter something in his sleep about getting up in a minute and turned over so that he was facing the doorway Ellie had just exited through.

Her face still felt hot by the time she had gotten into the kitchen, so she got a little bit of cool water from the tap and wiped her face with it. She felt like an honest to god overly horny mess, because there was definitely some sort of reaction happening in her pants, but she wasn’t exactly in the mood for it.

Because not only had her best friend and ex, been declared dead yesterday, and a memorial was to be held in a few more days, this was Joel. She was not supposed to be attracted to Joel in any way shape or form. It just…was not okay.

She leaned against the bench with a glass in hand, wondering how the fuck she’d done this to herself in the first place.

Then she remembered; her stupid science experiment.

 

(***)

  
It didn’t take long for her to find it in her room. It was stuffed in the top drawer of her desk, hiding underneath several old English textbooks and pencils she had yet to sharpen; but Joel was still hesitant to let her have knives for some weird reason. The toughest part was trying to get these pages without waking Joel up with the sounds of the drawer opening and closing and pages being moved.

She moved it all into the dining room. The difference between this house and the old one was the fact that when she said dining room, she was now actually entering a room that was separate to the kitchen. She sat down at the end furthest from her bedroom and went through the papers until she finally found the stupid list she had made.

She had been so naive. How did she not think about the fact that she would probably fuck herself over with this list? Admittedly, she thought her will and perception of Joel being nothing but a friend was a lot stronger, but apparently not.

Apparently, she was just as bad as the other women in the settlement. Except she actually had to live with Joel.

She knew all of Joel’s stupid traits that women would definitely find unattractive in him. How Joel always left wet towels on the floor in the bathroom. How if he got too comfortable he would pass out anywhere and snore so loud Ellie swore she could feel the house shake. He wasn’t exactly the most polite eater but Ellie couldn’t really pin that against him considering she herself was a messy eater - but she was sure the other women in the settlement would find it a turn off.

Ellie looked at the list one more time with an angry expression. Fuck this piece of paper in particular. It was a burden.

“What you readin’, kiddo?”

Ellie jumped and slammed the piece of paper down on the hardwood table. She quickly, but certainly not stealthily by any means, moved the papers underneath papers that had no relation to Joel whatsoever. Her pile wasn’t as organised now, but what did that matter? Joel wasn’t allowed to see this.

“Would it be a waste to say, ‘nothing’?” Ellie asked, sounding nervous as she said it.

Joel frowned and sat down across from her. He leaned over and grabbed the edge of the stack. Ellie mentally screamed, but her hands didn’t seem to want to work, and before she could do anything about it, she was painfully watching as the stack was placed in front of Joel and being sorted through.

Joel ignored all of Ellie’s old assignments, assignments that Ellie had kept because she had been proud of their results, especially when she had first started school and realised she was actually good at it. Joel knew that wasn’t the thing that had Ellie so shaken. When Joel eventually found the page, ironically the first page out of the entire list, Ellie awkwardly excused herself to get another glass of water. As if that was going to help her now.

She went into the kitchen and made a lot of noise in getting a glass and getting water and walking around the kitchen. She didn’t want to hear the pages shift, the laughter, she especially didn’t want to hear the laughter. Because she was a stupid dumb fucking idiot and was starting to think she might actually have a bit of a crush on Joel. Joel of all people.

Eventually, she could hear the sound of Joel clearing his throat and his chair being pushed out from the table. Ellie felt her hands shake slightly, she put the glass down on the counter-top so she didn’t break it. She had enough messes to clean up right now.

Joel entered the kitchen, looking every bit as awkward as Ellie felt.

“Look, I uh,” Ellie sighed, “I can actually explain, with a genuine yet odd explanation.”

Joel nodded slowly and cleared his throat again, running a hand through his hair he said, “alright - let's hear it.”

It was Ellie’s turn to slowly nod, but eventually, she dove into an explanation. She spoke about the experiment, how her curiosity had gotten the best of her and she wanted to understand what all the women were on about when they were talking about Joel behind his bag. She tried to make it sound less awkward by saying that they spoke about Tommy too, just not as often because he was a married man. She explained that for once she had just wanted to feel like she understood something, other than school work, that maybe after everything that had happened to her, she could actually connect things like a normal human being was supposed to.

It was a lot of words, and scattered thoughts, but Ellie hoped that she was making sense.

When she was done, she hadn’t realised that she had started to look down at the floor, like a child that was being scolded. She looked up slowly, expecting to see something akin to anger or disappointment on Joel’s face.

Surprisingly though, it was neither.

“I know you’ve been unlucky in love and all that,” Joel said, sounding awkward, but also like he was genuinely trying to be supportive, “I didn’t realise this whole time you thought there was something wrong with you, and not just something wrong with the people you were hanging out with.”

Ellie chose not to comment on the fact that one of those people were now dead and having a memorial in a few days. It seemed like bringing that fact up would only make things worse.

“If you need to talk about it, any of it, then you can talk to me you know?” Joel said. He sounded less awkward now - this seemed to be more of a plea than him trying to state the obvious, “you don’t have to go through all of this stuff alone.”

Ellie looked him in the eyes. He looked so genuine. He looked like he cared so much about her, and thinking about everything they had been through together, all the running and hiding, the infected, the clickers, the stupid emotions - the fireflies. Every time she looked at him she could remember all the powerful emotions he had once struggled to show that he was more than happy to show now.

It was all too much.

She pushed herself away from the bench and wrapped her arms around him.

She kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know I don't need to explain this to anyone, but I'm going to anyway before I melt in flames. 
> 
> The point of Maddy is so that Ellie still has a part of her sexuality. I wanted to make her bisexual because I didn't want to erase the gay despite the fact that I totally ship Ellie (legal-aged) and Joel. As a part of the LGBT community, I don't want to commit any erasure. So while Maddy is definitely just a plot point in this fic, she's kinda important?
> 
> R.I.P Maddy, you were a fun bitch to write.
> 
> You guys have a big surprise coming up next chapter. Let's just hope I can stick with the 10K each chapter like I've been doing.


	4. Joel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone! I've been working on this chapter for a while but between preparing for Christmas and work, it's been a bit of a struggle to finish it and get it up. This chapter was always meant to be a short one compared to the others, and I'm sure you'll see why x

Chapter Four

  
**_Joel_ **

 

The world outside his house was windy and dark. It was one of those times when the weather decided to surprise them, considering it was supposed to be mostly sunny. He heard a sound of something small hitting the window and realised it had started to rain. He didn’t know how heavy it was going to get, but in this house he didn’t have to worry about it so much - unlike the last place. That place was now getting fixed up and prepared for the next poor sons of bitches that actually lived long enough to get to the county.

Joel sighed and looked towards Ellie’s door. It was closed, which was unusual for Ellie. She liked to leave it open - Ellie always claimed it was so her room would stay cool but Joel knew it was because Ellie didn’t like being alone. She liked knowing that all she had to do was pop her head outside of her room and she would see Joel sitting on the couch reading or hear him cooking in the kitchen. It was comforting and gave her a feeling of safety that not even the biggest and most precise of weapons could provide.

So it was alarming that the door was shut. It made Joel sad.

He knew why it was shut, he would be stupid to not know why. She was sad, embarrassed, maybe even disappointed, but what had happened earlier had ended up with Ellie going red in the face and running straight for her room, slamming the door behind her.

She wouldn’t have been able to do that with the last place - though with the last place she might have just run away in order to avoid Joel.

There was a loud clap of thunder and the raining suddenly started to get a lot heavier. It made Joel sigh. He rubbed a hand with tiny cuts and marks all over it over his tired wrinkled face.

He wasn’t sure what he was going to do.

 

(***)

 

It was midnight when Joel finally decided to go and lie down for the night. He quickly checked in on Ellie - he opened the door just enough to peek into the room. She was asleep in the room. Her eyes were screwed up tightly as if she was having a nightmare. Joel didn’t know what to do. The pillow behind her head looked wet, which broke Joel’s heart.

She had been crying all night and he couldn’t do anything to help with it, at least not yet, because he had been the one who, indirectly, had caused it all.

He headed to his room. The bed was unmade from a restless night before - he hadn’t been sleeping well since the clickers had broken in and killed all of those kids. He didn’t sleep well because all he could think of was how Ellie could have been one of them. How dangerous it still was out there; and like always, in times of death or fear, he thought about Sarah.

Despite the rain that was happening outside it was still hot in his room. He took his shirt off and laid back on the sheets on his bed which were the only things that felt cool in the room.

There was another loud clap of thunder, one that was much louder than the one earlier and it ended up shaking the house a little bit. Joel had never been all that great with thunder storms, but that was because after the outbreak of the infection he had spent a lot of time trying to avoid getting hit by lightening and avoid getting attacked by infected. So now, every clap of thunder gave him a slight feeling of anxiety and dread that never used to occur back in the days where he could enjoy a thunder storm while sitting on the couch and watching TV in the lounge room.

There was a soft knock on his bedroom door that was almost drowned out by another clap of thunder. It sounded like the storm was starting to move away from the county, but didn’t make Joel feel any better, especially with the sound of the knock sitting in the air, because it could only mean one thing.

“You alrigh’ Ellie?” Joel asked, trying to sound the opposite of awkward - but it didn’t quite work.

The door opened and Ellie stood there in a tank top and pants that had been given to Joel for Ellie two weeks back for one of his shifts on the wall. They had been pajama pants of some sort that had obviously once belonged to a set. Ellie had fallen for them instantly - they had patterns of books all over them.

She was rubbing her arms as if she was cold, but Joel knew that couldn’t be the case.

“I’m a little freaked out,” Ellie mumbled. The rain got heavier again, beating against the window almost aggressively. She sighed and rolled her eyes, seemingly irritated that she was competing for loudness against a storm, “I’ve never done well with storms, not even in the orphanage.”

There was a plea in her eyes that said ‘I know we’re going through something weird right now, but can we just ignore it for this moment?’ and Joel didn’t have the heart to turn her away.

“I can sleep on the chair,” Ellie said, “but-.”

“If you’re that uncomfortable being next to me, I’ll sleep on the chair,” Joel stood up, kicking the bed sheets off of his legs that he had subconsciously been moving, he grabbed his shirt and put it back on and moved towards the chair.

It didn’t take long for Ellie to move into the room and take up the space on the bed where he had been laying. She turned to face him, turning away from the window just as a flash of lightning shone across the window - it made the little drops of rain water look like glitter.

  
Joel looked out the window and listened to Ellie’s breathing and the rain that was hitting the window. Despite Ellie’s little panicked breaths that were starting to slow, gradually, it was actually quite a comforting sound. Joel could feel his eyes growing heavier as the minutes went by.

“Joel?”

Joel startled awake. His eyes opening quickly. Ellie was looking at him from the bed, a slightly apprehensive look on her face.

“Yeah Ellie?”

Ellie sucked in a deep breath between her teeth and shifted position until she was on her back, her hands resting slightly on her belly.

“I’m sorry about before,” Ellie muttered, Joel could barely hear her over the sound of the rain and the thunder, but he wasn’t about to ask her to speak up - he was just happy she was trying to talk to him, “I acted out of line and my reaction to all of it afterward wasn’t exactly mature.”

Joel wasn’t too sure what to say. He didn’t want to accidentally insult her, and he knew if he said something along the lines of ‘you’re a kid, you’re not supposed to be too mature when it comes to these things’ then he was sure that would piss her off.

“You’re allowed to make mistakes Ellie,” Joel settled with, “you’re human.”

Ellie made a harsh scoffing noise, “I don’t feel like it half the time,” she muttered darkly before turning back and facing Joel, “half the time around here I either feel like an enigma or a pest…though I’m sure in context they both mean the same thing…but besides that - I feel like a freak around here, the complete opposite of human, and the fact that I keep getting into trouble, or keep having to do things kids my age shouldn’t have to do - such as shooting an ex classmate in the head so she doesn’t turn into an infected - I just…” she sighed, bit her lip, and looked down at the dirty carpeted floor. There was an odd stain on the floor, something that had been there since the day they had both moved in - Joel didn’t want to know what that stain was, “I don’t belong here. I don’t feel human because I think, to people, it would make more sense if I wasn’t human.”

Joel looked at Ellie, who was still refusing to look at him and was looking at the stain on the floor as if she was trying to figure out what it possibly could have been from.

“You belong here more than you know,” Joel said, “I know it’s hard to believe that. But you belong here, with me, with Tommy and Maria-.”

“Sometimes I feel like they’d be better off without me too,” Ellie cut him off, “this is their settlement or county or whatever - it’s pretty much their baby. They’ve worked so hard to create this, a happy place for people who want to start over, for people to remember a life they once had before the infection spread. I’m just a constant reminder that there are things out there who are more than ready to attach whatever they can get their hands on.”

“I understand what you’re trying to say,” Joel sat up straighter in his seat, pulling at his shirt slightly as to cool him down, “but you’re not reminding anyone of anything. You’re not a trigger for the real world out there kiddo.”

Ellie remained silent.

“Besides,” Joel shifted in his seat, worried he had said something offensive, “it would be stupid of us to forget where we stood in the world. It would be stupid of us to forget about the infected. Forgetting about the world outside this county is what leads to people getting hurt. School children getting turned into infected when they’re supposed to be learning.”

He heard Ellie stir. He didn’t realise he had been looking down at the same stain that had caught Ellie’s forced attention before.

Ellie was looking up at him, tears in her eyes. She nodded her head and settled her head back down onto Joel’s pillow.

“You’re right,” Ellie muttered, “I just wish the world wasn’t like this.”

“Me too…me too.”

 

(***)

 

“We’re thinking of giving her a more rigorous training schedule.”

Joel stopped eating from the bowl in front of him. Maria had made one of her famous stews - rabbit - and he and Ellie had been invited over for lunch. Ellie was currently in another room with Maria talking about God knows what, whereas Joel had been cornered by his brother, Tommy.

“What do you mean?” Joel asked, though he was certain he knew what Tommy meant.

“The girls immune Joel,” Tommy said, sitting back in his seat calmly, “she could be a great asset with the proper trainin’, you know that!”

“You make it sound like you wanna fatten her up before sending her to the slaughterhouse-.”

“She hasn’t got school anymore Joel,” Tommy cut him off. Joel was starting to get sick of people cutting him off, “she hasn’t got school, she hasn’t got any friends - she could make friends during training-.”

“Yeah, but-.”

“But nothin’ Joel,” Tommy gave him a sad look, “I think she could be a good thing for the wall. With more trainin’ she could protect the settlement better. I don’t want another mass killing.”

Tommy looked at him with pleading eyes, and while they irritated Joel they let him know one thing for certain - he had power here. He could either make Tommy’s day or disappoint him, and the latter was looking a lot better in Joel’s eyes. Yes he understood that Ellie came with capabilities and immunities one could only dream of having, and controlling - and personally Joel didn’t want to see that happen.

“I’m sick of people using that girl for their experiments and their own greed,” Joel said, surprised by just how angry he sounded, “first it was Marlene, and now it’s you - and Ellie trusts and respects you so much more than she ever did Marlene.”

That seemed to strike a cord in Tommy. There was guilt on his face. Tommy knew about everything that had happened with Marlene. He had been the first to know that Marlene was dead, and that it was because of Joel.

“I didn’t mean to make it like tha’,” he rubbed a hand over his face, “I know she’s your girl Joel, but I still think she herself could greatly benefit from this - ever since being here she’s gotten into a lot of trouble with people - boys mostly-.”

Joel stood up, knocking his chair back. The chatting in the other room stopped, and he could hear Ellie mutter something quickly to Maria.

“Well that’s not on her,” Joel said, nostrils flaring, “that’s on the boys here, the shitty ones who need to be taught a thing or two about consent and respect,” he snarled, “instead of sending innocent people to fight battles against creatures that you can’t control, maybe focus on fixing or eliminating the people that you can’t control.”

Ellie walked into the room, looking worried.

“Evvverything okayyyy?” she asked awkwardly, looking like she knew that everything was the opposite of ‘okay.’

“Yes Ellie,” Joel said, he cleared his throat, “we’ve got to go now though.”

Ellie didn’t try to argue. Instead she looked at Tommy and gave the politest smile she was capable of.

“It was nice of you to invite us over. Tell Maria that her stew was delicious.”

Tommy nodded.

Joel stormed out of the house, Ellie on his heels, looking confused as hell but loyal to a fault.

 

(***)

  
Ellie was in the shower, Joel was sitting on the couch, trying to push through a book, but his mind kept going to a billion different places.

He was angry at his brother, and how for him, it was so easy just to throw other people’s lives away, in the hope that they MAY survive and be of some use at the same time. He was angry that Tommy was so ready to throw away Ellie, just because she was different. Just because, in his eyes, it didn’t seem wrong, because she had slightly more chance of survival than the rest of them did. Including Joel himself.

He sat back and tried to get invested in the book again, but it was boring, he didn’t know why he kept reading it. Probably because it reminded him of back before everything went to shit. He would lay on the couch after a long day of work and if he wasn’t too tired or if Sarah wasn’t too demanding of attention, he would make himself a coffee and read for a few hours until he had to make dinner.

He heard the shower in the bathroom turn off. He sighed and put a bookmark between the pages and set the book down back on the coffee table beside the couch. He had no idea if he should talk to Ellie about this - about what Tommy wanted to do. He felt like he should warn her in case Tommy went behind his back and tried to manipulate her into it without him finding out, until it was too late, but the thought of talking to Ellie, and then Ellie agreeing to do it anyway, scared him even more.

Before he had time to figure out whether or not he wanted to tell her and prepare a speech of some sort convincing her not to do it, she came out of the bathroom. He noticed that she was wrapped in a towel, one of their cleaner ones, and that her hair was a lot shorter than usual.

“You cut your hair,” Joel said.

Ellie turned around and faced Joel, almost looking confused. She gave him a small smile, “yeah, decided it was time for a change, besides - the length was starting to annoy me. So many split ends.”

She headed into her room, her feet leaving puddles on the tiles, which Joel would probably have to clean up later.

Ellie didn’t come back out for another ten minutes, but when she did, she headed straight to the kitchen and started making herself a hot drink. Joel was trying to focus on the book once again but he couldn’t. He was too worried about Ellie and still trying to figure out if he should say anything.

“You okay Joel?”

Joel looked up. He’d obviously disappeared into his own thoughts, because Ellie was now standing in front of him, coffee mug in one of her hands and a book, her finger placed in between the pages she was on, in the other.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said, giving her a small, unconvincing, smile. He could tell Ellie didn’t believe it for a second. She sat down beside him, putting her mug on the coffee table on the other side of the couch, almost knocking over the lamp in the process.

“You know,” Ellie sighed, “I turned down Tommy’s offer.”

Joel frowned, turning to look at Ellie, “what offer from Tommy?”

Ellie bit her lip. She looked nervous now.

“What offer Ellie?”

Ellie jumped a little as Joel’s voice had gotten louder, “look, there’s nothing to be mad about, but he spoke to me before he said anything to you-.”

“Ugh,” Joel shook his head, “of course he did.”

“I said no,” Ellie said, “he was going to pay me generously for my services or whatnot - but I have so much more to live for than to just sit on a wall all day and night and hope clickers don’t come by.”

Joel waited.

“I told him if the going ever gets tough, then I want the position to still be available for me, I don’t want it to be a one time offer. I just…I’m not ready,” Ellie looked sad, “I’ve been fighting ever since I was fourteen. I wouldn’t mind a bit of a rest.”

Joel nodded and wrapped an arm around Ellie, giving her a one armed hug of encouragement, “I think you did the right thing.”

Ellie sighed, “I hope I did.”

 

(***)

  
Joel had weird dreams that night.

Whispering’s in his ear.

Touching someone’s leg, his hand traveling up to their thigh.

Heavy breathing.

The sound of his name being uttered in a breathy moan by an all too familiar voice.

He woke up hard.

 

(***)

  
It was difficult avoiding Ellie that morning. It seemed every time he shook her off she would come and talk to him about something, whether it was the deal with Tommy that she had rejected, the book she was currently reading, or asking why Joel was acting so goddamn weird - something Joel certainly couldn’t answer.

He knew that Ellie had an interest in him, whether it was because he was the only male she had been around with a long period of time or because she was hormonal, he didn’t know - but he wasn’t going to act on his own confusing feelings, because, simply put, it just wasn’t right.

He was too old for her, he knew that, he was old enough to be her father, or, her grandfather considering how young he had been when he had become a parent.

Ellie continued to ask questions and he continued to find weak excuses.

“I didn’t sleep well.”

“I’m just thirsty.”

“The book I’m reading is boring and infuriating.”

“I’m tired.”

“I’m just not looking forward to work today.”

While all of them were excuses that genuinely put Joel in a bad mood, they just weren’t cutting it for Ellie today. She knew there was something else wrong.

Joel had no idea how long he was going to be able to hide it for.

  
(***)

  
Joel was right to fake-dread work that day. It had gone awfully.

There had been a few infected to shoot, one of the women on the wall had a mental breakdown because she turned out to be the mother of one of the kids who hadn’t made the attack. Tommy had had to drag her away from the wall and write down that she wasn’t to work for several more weeks. Joel had been partnered up with that woman for the shift and so he had been forced to work alone for the remainder of it. And while he understood what the woman was going through, she shouldn’t have been made to work whatsoever, and so Joel had snapped at Tommy which had resulted on him quitting his shift early, with the words ‘go fuck yourself’ thrown at his brother angrily.

The last three hours of his shift had been spent sitting at a pub getting drunk. Because that’s just what he felt like doing.

When he finally remembered that he didn’t live in the tiny little house anymore near the very edge of the wall, and he stopped terrorizing the family that lived there now, telling them to get out of his house, and made his way to his actual house, staggering all over the place, he sat on the couch and went for a brief nap.

When he woke up, it was to cold water being thrown in his face from a slightly amused looking Ellie.

“Good to see you made it home safe,” she said, sounding a little irritated, but mostly amused.

“What do you mean?” Joel said lamely, “it was just work. I’m not that old.”

“Nice try old man,” she responded, “Tommy told me you lost your shit and then went to the pub.”

Joel didn’t know what to say to that, so he did the smart thing and kept his mouth shut.

“I know he’s your brother, but he’s also like, the leader or founder or whatever of this place,” Ellie shrugged, “don’t start too much shit with him, he might chuck us out.”

Joel rolled his eyes, “he might seem like a tight ass, but he wouldn’t throw us out to deal with the infected. He’s a dick, but he’s not a total cu-.”

“Classy,” Ellie rolled her eyes, cutting him off.

She sat down on the couch beside him, purposely avoiding the wet spots on the couch left over from the glass of water.

“So,” Ellie started off, lamely, “are you going to tell me about the rod jammed up your ass this morning and how it got there?”

A part of Joel was screaming at him to keep his mouth shut, but a couple of drinks always made his jaw a little looser.

“I had an inappropriate dream about someone close to me,” Joel said with a small shrug, “no big deal.”

Ellie laughed, “oh God, was it Maria?”

Joel gave her a weird look.

“Because if you start hitting on her I’m pretty sure Tommy will actually feed you to the infected himself for that one.”

Joel laughed, “no no not Maria someone I’m a little closer with.”

“Just hit on them then man,” Ellie said, sitting up, “if they’re not dumb and blind they’ll date you.”

She turned around and headed for her room.

Before Joel could think much else, he fell asleep.


	5. 17 Pt. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm really sorry for the delay in this chapter. I've been working on it for ages but with school work and my home life is crazy hectic so I haven't had the time to finish it. I'm also really sorry that this chapter isn't as long as the others, but it's still 4K! 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter and I promise that the next one will be much better.

Chapter Five

 

17  
Part 2

 

Something that kept Ellie up at night was the sound against her windows - the branches hitting it repeatedly, in a way that seemed like it wanted to intimidate Ellie, which it was doing successfully. 

She turned away from the window and faced the wall. Another thing that was keeping her up tonight was how she had spoken to Joel about his romantic dilemma. 

She wanted the man to be happy. She always had - except for maybe the first week they spent together, she had been such an angry little individual back then. But this was a little too much for her, especially with the feelings she had.

She sighed and stared at the ceiling. She wanted to bring it up with him. She wasn’t expecting for him to sweep her off her feet and kiss her or something like that - that would be weird anyway - totally not Ellie’s style - but maybe he could provide some awkward Joel-ish advice? Something to help her get over it and move on - something that will make them turn back to normal?

The issue was the fact that she hated talking about it, and she couldn’t imagine talking to anyone about it, especially him.

But…she did know of someone who would be happy to talk about this issue with her, in fact they would be weirdly excited about it…

 

(***)

 

In the morning, after several hours of tossing and turning and a half bothered with shower, she ended up heading towards the richer parts of the county and knocked on Tommy and Maria’s front door. Tommy was out on a part of the wall, she had seen him before standing next to Joel and having an animated but friendly looking conversation - at least, Tommy had laughed, so she assumed it had been friendly. However, she hadn’t seen Maria out on the wall, and that was who she was here to see. 

Maria opened the door looking lively, she had an odd glow to her, and it made Ellie feel better about everything just looking at her.

“Someone’s up early!” Maria said, sounding just as happy as she looked, “is everything okay?”

Ellie nodded slowly, “well, yes and no…it’s nothing scary,” she hastily added, seeing something pass over Maria’s face. 

“Okay…you wanna come in? I’ve cooked breakfast.”

Ellie’s stomach rumbled at the mention of food. It would probably make her feel better about talking to Maria about everything anyway.

 

(***)

 

Sitting down at the dining room table with Maria was odd - the last time they had come over for a meal an argument had sprung and so she almost felt traitorous coming over here. But she needed to talk to someone. She need to talk to someone….female.

Because girls were supposed to understand each other, right? They were supposed to support each other through thick and thin and understand each other just through body language. At least; that was what she had read in the many books she’d read through within the last few years. So with that thought in mind, she had decided that Maria was the person she needed to talk to - she didn’t trust any other females the way she trusted Maria, plus Maria was mature and Ellie was sure that if something bad happened between the two of them, if it ever did, Maria wouldn’t use her secret against her. 

So with that, she was now sitting in Tommy and Maria’s dining room, helping herself to her second toastie. 

“So, from the look of your face the thing you want to tell me seems pretty serious,” Maria said, “at least in your mind - is everything okay? Is it about school?”

School, as in the attack. 

“No, it’s not about the attack.”

Maria waited, putting milk in her tea. 

“I have some weird feelings for someone,” Ellie said, “I’ve had these feelings before, but for this person it’s…ten times more…real? I guess…”

Maria looked a little excited, “and what’s so bad about that? Maybe they’re the one for you.”

That term being applied to who she had feelings for made her face heat up and her stomach seemingly fill up with butterflies. The thought of anyone being the one, let alone Joel of all people was a weird, but not entirely unwelcome thought.

“They’re not,” Ellie said, sounding sheepish and even a little disappointed - because the truth was, he couldn’t be, there were so many reasons why he couldn’t be. 

“How do you know?” Maria asked, “I didn’t think Tommy was for me, but, well, you know how that went.”

Ellie frowned, she couldn’t imagine Tommy and Maria not being together.

“What made you doubt him?” Ellie asked. 

Maria got this weird look on her face, like she couldn’t fathom living without Tommy in her life, by her side, either.

“We were forced together, partnered on the wall for an old county that collapsed a decade a go,” Maria recounted, she tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear and looked out the window, towards the bit of wall that she could see from the window. Ellie couldn’t see Tommy there, but she assumed that to Maria, that didn’t matter. It was just the fact of knowing he was out there, “we were forced together because we were the best tactical shooters in our unit, our unit was constantly contracted over by the left side of the wall on the higher levels. We were there to make sure that if the lower levels got killed, they wouldn’t get past our other defenses.”

She sighed, “we hated each other, and the feeling of being forced to work together as a team, and not just a unit, terrified me. Because I didn’t think I could, and I didn’t want to lose my job - it paid well and I honestly loved it.”

“Why did you hate each other?” Ellie cut in.

Maria shrugged, “we just never saw eye to eye on a lot of situations, mostly political, and back in my weaker days I refused to kill infected because majority of them still had the faces of people I loved,” she paused, “unfortunately because of that we argued a lot, and before I got my head into gear - a lot of people I cared about and respected got hurt.”

Maria had a look on her face that showed that she was reliving a lot of memories right now, so Ellie decided to distract her. 

“So, what made you guys start liking each other to the point you eventually became a married couple?”

Maria snapped out of it with a short, but happy, laugh. 

“He realised how much I hated pickles.”

Ellie laughed loudly, out of surprise more than anything.

“But Tommy loves pickles.”

Maria nodded, “exactly - he realised that whenever we had lunch together, he’d get more pickles because I hated them. So we started bonding over that.”

She looked over at the fridge, as if it contained pickles, “we’d have lunch ever day together just so he’d get the pickles off of my sandwiches, eventually, he started forgetting to ask for pickles and just started enjoying my company.”

Ellie didn’t have that same situation. She knew that Joel enjoyed her company, she’d known it the day that Joel had decided to escort Ellie to the fireflies instead of Tommy, even though that had been plan all along until that very moment. He cared about her, this wasn’t a pickle situation - but he didn’t care about her that way.

Ellie wasn’t sure what she wanted from this discussion. Did she want tips on how to get Joel to like her that way, or did she just want someone, other than herself, to know about her feelings for Joel, how they kept her up at night, how they stopped her from concentrating from her job, or from reading, or from simply existing around him.

How, she had kissed him, and she couldn’t stop thinking about it.

“Anyway, enough about Tommy and I,” Maria said suddenly, shaking her head, “you’re not here for a conversation about my love life. You’ve never really been into love-stories - I remember you telling me that when I recommended those books to you.”

That was true, back then she had politely refused to read them, saying that she thought a lot of the main female characters were depicted as love sick puppies and after that, had no personality whatsoever, but after the last few weeks, she had found herself picking up more romantic based reads, and while the main female characters still held some annoying qualities, she at least understood them a little better. 

Ellie found herself awkward staring at the table top and drawing patterns on the wood with the smudges left over from her fingertip.

“Maria,” Ellie sighed, rubbing her other hand through her hair, stressfully, “I don’t know what to do. I have a crush on someone I definitely shouldn’t.”

“And why shouldn’t yo-.”

“It’s not normal,” Ellie cut her off, “it’s weird. This person is so much older than me.”

A weird look settled on Maria’s face for a moment, but by the time Ellie had blinked it was gone - not quick enough for Ellie to not see it, however, and she felt her heart beat ten times faster.

She knew.

Ellie got up suddenly, the chair she had been sitting on almost slamming into the wall behind her, which she was grateful it didn’t - the walls weren’t exactly the strongest. Before Maria could even focus on what was going on, Ellie was heading toward the door, her breath quick and heavy and uncontrollable. 

“Ellie, wait!” 

Ellie stopped, despite every inch of her body telling her to run out the door before it was too late. But, it was already too late, wasn’t it?

“I’ll keep your secret,” Maria said in a small voice.

Ellie turned around, looking shocked. 

“Just don’t pursue him. He’s too much for you.”

 

(***)

 

Later that afternoon, Ellie laid on her bed, her arms stretched up and tucked behind her head. The ceiling was bare and the paint chipping in some areas - she’d try and fix it one day when she was feeling creative but that definitely wasn’t something she was feeling right now. All afternoon, as she laid there, she had been thinking about what Maria had said to her. 

“Just don’t pursue him. He’s too much for you.”

Ellie frowned. She didn’t know exactly what that meant - and what would Maria know anyway? She’d only known Joel for three-four years.

The same amount of time Ellie had known him for, she remembered, feeling sour.

But it was different. Ellie had seen Joel in some of his most vulnerable states. They weren’t pleasant memories, but they were there - she had seen him scared, she had seen him angry, she had seen him crying out for help, she had seen him do unspeakable things when he felt like he had nothing left to lose, or too much. 

Maria hadn’t seen any of that, and Maria didn’t have any idea what she was talking about.

But, she still wasn’t going to pursue him.

But that was her decision, not Maria’s.

 

(***)

 

Her position at the wall started becoming her best friend. Every shift that she got was blessing, because not only did that mean more food at home for her and Joel, more clothes, more of anything that was necessary for them to survive, but it also meant getting out of that house, where she couldn’t avoid Joel, and couldn’t avoid the attraction she felt towards him.

Things were still awkward after the kiss, and that suffocated her. But Joel seemed to be under the illusion that everything was fine between them, so he was either lying, or Ellie was the only one feeling awkward about it. Though, Ellie had hoped that telling Joel to date whoever he wanted had thrown him off the trail of her feelings. 

But, simultaneously, she was worried that he would, in fact, find someone. 

 

(***)

 

She went back to Maria on the weekend, something she didn’t think she would have the guts to do. But she’d decided, on her own, that she needed to do something about this. Maria and Tommy were the head of this county, so surely Maria would know someone her age, man or woman, that she could date. 

Knocking on the door seemed louder than usual, but she was sure that had more to do with the fact that she was anxious. The door opened wide, and there stood Tommy, looking confused but welcoming. 

“Ey Ellie, what’re you doin’ here?” he asked, smiling whilst he said it.

Ellie instantly felt her face heat up and hoped that her cheeks weren’t too red. Seeing Tommy reminded her of Joel though, and Joel reminded her of why she was here in the first place.

“Can I talk to Maria?” Ellie asked, “it shouldn’t be too long. I just gotta ask her a few questions.”

“About what?” Tommy asked. 

Ellie wasn’t expecting this question.

“Uh,” Ellie looked awkward around her, as if that was going to help, which predictably, it didn’t. 

“Girls stuff,” Ellie settled on. Wanting to punch herself in the face. 

Tommy’s face went funny and what appeared to be almost like a rash startled crawling up his neck and ears.

“Ah, yep,” he said, rubbing the back of his head, “I can’t help you with that I’m afraid. Maria is on a shift at the wall though, so, if you want, you can stay here?” he asked, “she should be home by four.”

 

(***Joel***)

 

Joel looked out over the wall. He enjoyed the view when there was no infected around. It was all forest, trees and leaves, there was a river close by, there were sounds of the limited wildlife that the world had left - he could hear deer and he saw a rabbit speed across the leaves and into a far bush. He missed the times from before the infection started, when he and Sarah would go hiking to similar places like this. He wondered if the last twenty-four years would have been easier with Sarah by his side. Walking around, trying to find shelter would have just felt like a really long hiking trip instead of an effort-filled journey that he wasn’t sure he even wanted to live through.

It had admittedly gotten a lot easier. Once he’d had Ellie with him.

He remembered that for the first few weeks he hadn’t wanted to think about it. Thinking about how easier life had gotten with Ellie helping him - even though she was the only reason he had been sent out this far - felt like an odd betrayal to Sarah. Because, if she hadn’t had died, Sarah would have been with him too. He refused to think of her dying in some other type of way. 

Joel was made to get out of his own head when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around and saw Maria standing there, giving him a soft smile. He had a lot of respect for Maria and personally thought the woman was the perfect fit for his brother. They were both stubborn, they were both leaders - and Tommy was a terrible cook while Maria was a good one. 

“You seem to be in your own head a bit there, Joel,” Maria said, an understanding look on her face, “what’re you thinking about?”

Joel sighed and rubbed his face. He was a little worn out - the day had been a hot one and a few of the younger men on patrol had decided to completely take over the limited shelter there was here. But Joel wasn’t going to pick a fight with them over something as little as that. He was here to do his job. 

“Just, how things used to be a few years ago,” Joel said simply, he didn’t really want to get into it, but he was prepared for the chance that he might have to, “I’m grateful that I’m here now - grateful that you and Tommy let me in.”

Maria chuckled, “well, once we realised who you were - there was no chance of you two not being let in.”

“I’m still grateful,” Joel rolled his eyes, “so enjoy me sayin’ that while it lasts because I’m not going to be repeating it over and over,” he picked up the water bottle he’d gotten earlier that morning out of the fridge, “Tommy won’t want you havin’ a big head. He’s not used to people matching his massive ego.” 

Maria made a ‘tsk’ sound, multiple times, with her tongue. She stood there with a stupid grin on her face, “you two are always giving each other shit. Were there ever any other Miller siblings?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Joel said, teasingly. 

“Neither of you will answer that question,” Maria said, “I find that really shady.”

Joel shrugged. 

There was a moment of silence where Joel slipped into his own thoughts again. The sun was starting to go down, something he was thankful for in this unforgiving heat. He saw another animal, he was pretty sure it was just a rabbit of some kind, run across the grass near the water. In these moments, he could forget entirely why he was even supposed to be on the wall. Why did he have a gun? Why had he been standing here for hours holding it? There was no danger - just a beautiful view. 

He heard Maria sigh beside him - it sounded like a bad news sigh. 

“There’s something I need to talk to you about Joel.”

That’s what he was afraid of.

 

 

(***Ellie***)

 

Ellie could see out the windows of Tommy and Maria’s home that the sun was starting to set and that the county was getting darker. Maria was supposed to be back by four and she was starting to worry for multiple reasons. 

What if there had been an attack and Maria hadn’t made it, and if so, where was Joel? Was he hurt too? 

Was Maria telling Joel everything that she suspected of Ellie’s feelings for him?

Ellie wasn’t sure, she didn’t like thinking about either option, and even Tommy was starting to look a little concerned. 

“You okay Ellie?” Tommy asked her, probably to make himself look less worried about the fact that his wife still wasn’t home, even though she should have been home by four. 

Ellie shrugged, “yeah, I’m okay. You?”

Tommy shrugged, “I wish there was some way I could contact her right now, but she took both walkie-talkies to work with her today because someone forgot theirs,” he muttered something under his breath after that, it sounded a lot like ‘irresponsible idiots.’

Ellie started curling up into the lounge chair she had been sitting on for quite a while now. She had tried distracting herself by reading, snacking on biscuits, counting the amount of books Maria had - because as Maria had once said - they’re all hers, Tommy doesn’t know how to read. That comment had made Ellie laugh more than she probably should have, back then she hadn’t known that Maria had a sense of humor. 

Ellie decided in that moment that she didn’t care if Maria was somehow telling Joel every little thought Ellie had had about him - she just wanted them to come home.

 

(***Joel***)

 

“So, you knew, and you’re okay with this?” 

Joel nodded, “it’s harmless. She’ll get over it eventually, find someone her own age.” 

Maria made a sound, which sounded like disapproval, which was something Joel was confused by.

“What do you expect me to do? Put her down like a sick dog for something as little and harmless as a crush?”

Maria snorted, “you know for a fact I’m not suggesting that Joel, but you can’t keep letting her think that she has a chance.”

Joel frowned. He put down his drink bottle and shifted in his seat. It was well after sundown and he should have been home hours ago, but he’d been stuck up here, having this awkward conversation with Maria of all people. Others had come up to do their shift for the night and Maria had told them to set up patrol somewhere else until she said otherwise. Joel was grateful that nobody could overhear their conversation, but he would have preferred the wall be completely patrolled and they have this conversation somewhere else. 

“What do you mean? You think I keep letting her think she has a chance?”

“You’re not exactly telling her no.”

“I am,” Joel said, “but personally I don’t think that’s any of your business Maria.”

“She’s seventeen years old Joel!” Maria exclaimed, starting to sound frustrated, “seventeen year old girls are absolutely relentless when it comes to their crushes. They daydream about all the possibilities all day. They’re romantic messes-.”

“Doesn’t sound at all like Ellie to me.”

Maria shook her head, looking defeated, “just tell her she needs to back off. It’ll be good for the both of you.”

 

(***)

 

Joel headed for home and Maria headed for her own place too. It was dark and one of the lights near his place was broken - though he was sure it would probably be fixed by tomorrow afternoon - things didn’t stay broken around the richer areas for very long. He unlocked the door and opened it to find the house completely dark. It felt empty.

Ellie wasn’t home. 

He felt his heart begin to race, but told himself to calm down. There was probably a perfectly logical explanation as to why she wasn’t here. Ellie knew the rules about curfew and how religiously Joel followed them - she wouldn’t just run around outside just because Joel had been home late. But there was a part of him that wanted to turn around and go back outside to try and find her.

“Joel. Joel, pick up, Joel. It’s Maria. Ellie’s at mine. So don’t panic.”

Joel immediately started to calm down. He took a deep breath and grabbed the walkie-talkie that hung from his side. 

“Thank you,” he said into it, holding down the button so it would send through, “I’ll come and get her.”

 

(***Ellie***)

 

Ellie was a little pissed off now that Maria was actually home. She had been terrified for the both of them, even though there had been no sounds of commotion outside, and now she was just really angry that she had been sitting there afraid for so long. 

“I want to be able to contact you guys from now on,” Ellie snapped, “it’s unfair that we don’t get to hear anything from you guys all day and just hope that you make it home safe.”

“We’re having our engineers work on the technology at the moment,” Maria said casually as if she didn’t notice just how afraid Ellie had been, “I’m sure they’ll get it all to work soon.”

“Get what to work?” Ellie asked, sounding furious. She wanted to tone down but found she couldn’t, “super walkie-talkies?”

“Yes, except we used to call them cell phones,” Maria said with a smirk, “teenagers used to be addicted to them twenty or so years back.”

Ellie rolled her eyes and crossed her arms in front of her chest. Whatever.

There was a knock on the front door and Maria rushed to open it. Joel stood there looking tired but content.

He wasn’t hurt.

“Seeing as you’re here,” Maria said - Ellie had zoned out briefly and it felt weird to be listening to a half discussed conversation, “you can stay for dinner if you’d like.”

“As long as Tommy isn’t cookin’, I’m fine with that,” Joel said, humorously. 

“I heard that!” Ellie heard Tommy shout from the kitchen, where he was currently cutting up vegetables. Joel chuckled and sat down on the couch across from Ellie’s seat. 

“You okay, baby girl?” Joel asked her, looking at her with concern.

Ellie nodded, “yeah,” she said, “I’m fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guys! I have social media accounts now where you guys can follow me and talk to me! I thought it might be fun to get to know you guys, get to know some of your other fandoms, etc. 
> 
> You can follow me on Tumblr and Twitter, at;
> 
> forbiddenstilinski.tumblr.com  
> @forbidstilinski or https://twitter.com/ForbidStilinski


	6. 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry about this chapter, it isn't particularly good or interesting. I had plans for this chapter but between starting it I've had school and some really bad depressive episodes - I hope to write something better, and much more impressive, within the next chapter. 
> 
> But please, enjoy this chapter and the knowledge that I am continuing on with this Fanfiction.

Chapter Six

  
_18_

  
Flowers.

Ellie would never admit it, but she had always liked flowers. They brightened up the place and even the bad smelling ones were pretty to look at.

The flowers all around her were wild. She liked to think sometimes that she was the same. Wild and free.

Just locked in a county, trying to avoid getting brutally killed by ‘zombies.’

Joel was the one that introduced her to that word. She’d read it in a lot of books and she had started taking more notice of the word and what it meant. It was weird to see how zombies were different in all these interpretations, and how you could tell that the author lived in a world where the thoughts of zombies or infected were simply nothing more than a fantasy.

Ellie couldn’t imagine living in a world where today’s world was just an abstract concept. A conspiracy theory from the mind of someone on an Internet forum. Or a plot device used in a TV show or video game.

Man, that was weird.

Ellie heard a sound come from her pocket and she sighed. Sometimes she liked to pretend she was the only person left on the planet. No Joel, no clickers, no nothing. She was alone and free and she had no responsibilities and no one to answer to. She could just lie in the flowers and the sun all day and forget that people had ever existed. In theory, it sounded perfect to her. In practice though, she knew she would get really fucking lonely. The phone ringing in her hand, however, with the name ‘BOSS’ flashing across the screen, made her much more interested in the wipeout of humankind - minus her.

“Hello?” Ellie said, answering the phone, trying not to convey her annoyance in her voice.

“Ellie, hey, I just wanted to let you know that Mike was able to cover your shift for tonight.”

Ellie sighed, for once something had gone right.

“Thanks for that, tell Mike he’s a lifesaver.”

“Why did you need anyone to cover your shift anyway, Ellie?.”

Ah, she feared they would ask this.

“I’ve got family plans tonight, I hope you don’t mind.”

The line was silent.

“Hello?”

“Not really a good enough excuse. But I’ll let you off this time.”

Her boss hung up and Ellie dropped the phone on the ground in frustration.

She hated her job.

 

(***)

  
Ellie walked into the house feeling tired and irritable. It had been a long walk back and the conversation on the phone weighed her down. She had been lying about the ‘family plans’ that night. She had just wanted a night to herself where she could read and relax. She had been working like crazy lately - admittedly she had a lot to show for it. A lot of promotions and a pretty hefty paycheck, to the point where Ellie and Joel were ready to move again, but her boss - his name was Roger - was starting to treat her more like a robot, rather than a human being.

It was all Tommy’s fault. He had told Roger that she was immune.

It was the reason for her promotions and massive income, but it was also the reason why she was working pretty much every day and every night with little naps and food breaks in between.

Joel wasn’t happy about it either. But no matter what he said to Roger, he wouldn’t give Ellie a break.

Tommy always looks apologetic, so at least that was something.

She headed to her room and laid down on her bed. There was a pile of books on her bedside table that she had found whilst adventuring outside the wall with Joel and Tommy, and a few other people who guarded the wall regularly and had permits to leave the county. Nobody else had been all that interested in them other than Joel and Ellie. Ellie had packed them in her bag, and while they had been heavy and had definitely made the trip back a little more difficult than the trip to - it had been worth it. So far she had read two of them, and they had been amazing. But at the rate that she was working, she probably wouldn’t get the time to finish the rest.

She heard the front door open and she sighed. She didn’t really want to be disturbed, but she did want to see Joel. The same crush that had practically ruined her life last year was a little voice at the back of her brain this year, she was too tired to think about it. She didn’t have the time to think.

She got up slowly and headed for the kitchen, where she could hear Joel searching the fridge, probably for some cold water and some sort of snack.

The fridge door was wide open when she got into the kitchen and she stood behind it and didn’t make a noise. Eventually, Joel closed the door, noticed Ellie, and dropped the drink bottle he had only just gotten out of the fridge.

“Ellie!”

Ellie cackled, “Hey Joel.”

“That’s not funny,” Joel muttered, picking up his drink bottle and opening the lid. He was sweaty and looked tired. He’d moved from protecting the wall to helping create houses again - now that there was a larger demand for houses as more people joined the county.

“It was funny to me,” Ellie said with a shrug, “so, how was work?”

Joel rolled his eyes, “they hired some new kid, he has no idea what he’s doing - fucked up a bunch of cuts of wood that we’re going to be used - now we have to send out scavengers again for more.”

He rubbed his forehead with a tea towel that had been sitting on the bench - it had been clean before that but now there were black marks all over it from Joel’s hands. Ellie looked at the fridge door-handle and noticed it was a lot blacker than it had originally been.

“How was work for you?” Joel asked, resting against the bench and looking at her tiredly.

“Got the day off,” Ellie said, “they rostered on someone else for my shift.”

“I bet they’ll get larger breaks than you though. And they’ll get half the amount of hours.”

Ellie had always loved the fact that Joel was angry about the job situation she was in. It made her feel better about lying to her boss.

“It’s about time you got a break, though,” Joel said, taking a sip from his drink and looking out the window. From the kitchen window, you could see another group of carpenters working on a smaller house, smaller than the ones that Joel worked on. It would probably be a new starter house, that, or a quarantine house for people wanting to join the county. You could never be too safe.

“Yeah,” Ellie muttered, tearing her eyes away from the house, “I agree. I think I might take the time to do a bit of reading, I haven’t had the time to read anything in a while. Besides, you look like you’re due for a nap.”

Joel rolled his eyes, “more like a shower,” he said. Ellie looked Joel up and down and struggled to not bite her lip. She had always found Joel attractive when he was all sweaty from working all day. But, she’d never say that aloud.

“Yeah, you should go for a shower.”

The con about not stressing about work was that her mind often went straight back to thinking about Joel. As she sat in the lounge room and she heard the water running in the shower, she thought of things that she definitely shouldn’t have been thinking of. It was mostly just thoughts of Joel naked, soap suds running down his body and being washed away, his skin wet and clean and tan from a days work. Sometimes, the thoughts would get worse. She would imagine herself in the shower with him. Her hands running down his body, washing off the soap suds for him, begging him to touch her back.

She shook her head and got up, getting her own bottle of water out of the fridge she proceeded to rub some of the cold water over her face.

“You okay, Ellie?”

Ellie turned around. Joel was drying his hair with a towel, he had on some loose sweats and a shirt that he’d had back when they were trying to find the Fireflies. At least this time he’d come out of the shower dressed properly.

“Yeah, just feeling a little warm,” Ellie muttered, closing her eyes for a moment before opening them again, “how was your shower?”

“I feel much better,” Joel admitted, giving her a warm smile, “if you’re feeling unwell you should probably take one as well. You need to relax more baby girl.”

Ellie felt herself stiffen. She had started to hate it when he called her that. It did things to her.

She shook herself out of her thoughts once more and nodded, “yeah, I might do that actually.”

She walked past him, trying hard not to touch him, and practically ran for the shower.

Fuck hormones.

 

(***)

  
The shower didn’t soothe her much, but it did give her time to be alone.

Though being alone with her thoughts probably wasn’t the best thing for her right now, it was better than one of the alternatives. She focused on things like her work, how she was going to spend the rest of her day off. Reading sounded like the best thing for her - throw her into another world so that she wouldn’t have to focus on her own, confusing and frustrating one.

She got out of the shower feeling a slight sense of dread. Joel was going to be home for the rest of the day, and she didn’t want it to seem obvious that she was avoiding him for any apparent reason. It would just stir up a bunch of questions she wasn’t ready to answer. And not because she didn’t have the answers.

 

(***)

 

  
She spent the majority of the day on her bed reading. It was a decent excuse as to why she wasn’t hanging around Joel and annoying him - he knew that she liked to sit and read alone, for hours and hours, until the book was eventually finished - it was rare that Ellie didn’t finish a book in a one sitting - often if she didn’t, it meant she didn’t like it all that much.

The book she currently read was about a bunch of teenagers trapped in a cave trying to find ways to get out, and in the meantime, a bunch of adults was rushing around trying to find them - the book often changed perspectives between the teens, who while trapped in the cave decided it would be the best time to start drama amongst themselves and admit strong feelings for each other - and the adults who spoke to each other about deep secrets about their kids and work lives, blaming it on the need to feel like God, whoever that was, would eventually return their child into the safety of their arms in return for confessing their sins.

Ellie wasn’t familiar with half the terms, like desktop and receptionist, God, Marijuana and a bunch of other stuff that had been thrown in there. Often she would ask Joel what half of these things meant - some of the questions in the past had left them both red-cheeked in embarrassment, both at how much Joel knew and the innocence of Ellie’s question.

She wasn’t going to do that right now though. She was just going to have to suffer in the fact that the words made no sense to her - not entirely.

There was a light knock on the door frame, and she looked up, placing her finger between the pages and closing the book so that she wouldn’t lose her place.

Joel stood there, looking at her with a polite smile on his face.

“You okay kiddo?” he asked. He looked mildly uncomfortable, and like he was unsuccessfully trying to mask that fact - and unsuccessful he definitely was.

“Yeah,” Ellie said slowly, putting the book on her bedside table. There was a small stack of books there that she had received from Maria and an old teacher she’d had that hadn’t died in the attack - they were currently unread but she hoped to finish reading the books before the end of the month, “what’s wrong?”

Joel swallowed harshly, his fingers drumming anxiously on the door frame. His actions were making Ellie more anxious than she had been lately, especially when around him.

He cleared his throat and looked around the room, almost hoping that some item in it would save him from whatever he was going to say next.

“We need to talk.”


	7. 18 pt. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it has taken so long to write up an update, I've been super busy with school and life, unfortunately. But the good news is, I've almost finished school and it's NaNoWriMo, so I thought I would write a chapter for you all! I hope you are still all interested in the story and where it is heading, and hope that some of you will leave a review, even if it's just to tell me that you still plan on reading and enjoying this fic. 
> 
> Thank you all <3

**Chapter Seven**

 

_18 pt. II_

 

 

 

Ellie sat in what was a big hall. The lights were bright and white, and it made Ellie feel sick. It reminded her of lying on the cold metal table as people planned to remove her brain in order to create a cure for the infection spreading. She had wanted to, she had wanted to save all the people who were still alive and suffering. But now that she looked at the life she had, there was a part of her that was grateful that she had a chance to survive. That Joel and ripped her away from the Fireflies and their plans.

 

In the hall now, she looked towards the main platform, where she could see Tommy and Maria chatting. It looks strictly professional - she didn't know how they managed it considering when she saw Joel she could barely try and keep it as if they were only just friends. That she wasn't grossly pining for him twenty-four-seven.

 

Not that Joel had really noticed.

 

While there was a part of her that was relieved at that fact, there was another part that often wondered what would happen if he were to figure it out - would he be mad? Would he be disappointed? Would he be awkward? Or, like in Ellie's deepest fantasies, would be one hundred percent okay with it, and even feel the same way?

 

The latter sounded unrealistic, like finding another person to cure the infection that was ruining the world.

 

The hall started to quiet down. Tommy and Maria were standing at the front near a podium with an old and ratty looking microphone, which miraculously still worked despite its current state. It was a normal thing to have a town hall meeting, but not everyone in the county would come. Certain people would be selected, like the officials, or the guards, or the carpenters or something along those lines.

 

But today, everyone had been called in, even those unemployed, or new to the county. It made Ellie nervous.

 

Joel sat down beside her, and she felt her cheeks instantly warm - she just hoped they weren't turning red.

 

"Good evening everyone," Maria said, standing in front of the podium. Tommy hung around the back like he usually did, standing awkwardly with his arms behind him. He often would sway on the spot too, but today it looked like he was putting in the extra effort to stay still. Maria had always been the public speaker out of the two of them, but Tommy would always stand up and talk if any arguments occurred after a big decision.

 

Being a guard, Ellie had often seen this first hand - Tommy getting angry on Maria's behalf. There was a part of it all that Ellie found rather endearing. There was another part of her that hated the thought of being the room with the two of them after they returned home from one of these meetings, and Tommy was told once again, that he had stepped out of line.

 

"You're probably all wondering why every single one of you in the county have been brought in here, and I'm certain a few of you are in fact concerned by this," Maria looked around, and a part of Ellie swore that she saw Maria's gaze linger on her for a few moments - but she was probably imagining it.

 

"We don't want to jump the gun, so to speak," Maria continued, "but there was an attack last night. Two dead, one critically injured - it doesn't look like he's going to make it either," she sighed, looking down at a piece of paper that she had in her hand. It was unlike Maria to write notes or speeches for town hall meetings. Maria was too confident - a natural public speaker. Maria with notes was an unsettling sight - it made Ellie shudder.

 

"Considering the viciousness of this attack and the state that the...bodies...were left in," Maria said, visibly shaken, "we think it may have been an attack from an infected."

 

Someone from the left of Ellie and a little behind her screeched audibly, project her voice towards Maria, "you think?" the voice was loud and accusing.

 

"We didn't catch who did it, we just found the mess they left behind," Maria said, "we've told you any and all information that we have."

 

"Are you saying that the infected are becoming smart enough to leave a crime scene?" A man directly in front of Ellie said in a condescending and disbelieving tone. Ellie glared at the back of his shiny, balding head and resisted the temptation to kick him with her steel capped boot.

 

"Is it really a crime scene if it's not human Harold?" a woman barked. She stood up from her seat, glaring at the man in front of Ellie. Ellie rolled her eyes - it wasn't the time or place for a domestic right now, as Harold's ex-wife started stomping up the stairs towards him.

 

"Sandra, sit down right now - we haven't got time for another episode of Desperate Housewives," Tommy said. This got a few laughs from some of the older audiences, including Joel - but Ellie didn't really get it.

 

Sandra sat down in an empty seed, crossed her arms and proceeded to glare at Harold, which Harold pretended not to notice, but there were noticeable beads of sweat running down the back of his neck.

 

Maria cleared her throat, another sign of Maria's surprising lack of confidence, and continued, "we don't know how an infected managed to come into the county and leave without alerting anyone, especially seeing as, once someone has turned, the infected aren't renowned for their intelligence."

 

A few nervous laughs in the room.

 

"If anybody has any information about the attack, please step forward - we are more than willing to keep in anonymous for the safety of the individual if there were any people somehow involved in this attack," Maria shuffled her paper and looked up towards all the people. She looked tired. There were dark shadows under her eyes when, weeks before, she had looked quite youthful and unperturbed.

 

Ellie had never seen her like this, but she had heard stories from Tommy - of long stressful nights, stacks of paper all over their loungeroom, messy notes and scribbles and pencils behind her ear as she ran around trying to find what she thought was lost.

 

Tommy trying his hardest to support her by trying to entertain her or read through and try to decipher her messy, panicked handwriting.

 

"Due to this attack, however, I must announce that the tech team has been working tirelessly and the council has unanimously decided that the need for constant video surveillance is paramount."

 

There were a few disgruntled murmurs from around the room - Ellie was confused, and obviously, that showed on her face because Joel bent down and whispered in her ear.

 

"A few of the people here make deals with bandits outside of the county, for extra food and even drugs - it's illegal to affiliate yourself with bandits while living here, and with video surveillance, those deals can quickly go south."

 

Ellie was only half listening as she enjoyed the feeling of Joel's hot breath on the side of her neck, near her ear. She wasn't sure whether the response she was having was normal as she felt something tighten down south.

 

Ellie cleared her throat and nodded, adjusting herself in her seat and looking forward, to where Maria was now trying to settle down some people who were complaining to her directly, at the very front. Tommy was yelling at them, trying to get them to shut up and listen, but it wasn't working, as the people down the front persisted in their complaints, making Maria look almost small.

 

Maria was scared and uncertain and hated that her county was slowly falling to shit.

 

No wonder she was so tired.

 

Tommy pushed Maria back softly and stood in the front of the podium. Things were never as eloquently said when Tommy took over, but they were honest and straight to the point.

 

"Y'all needs to realise that video surveillance could only be a massive benefit to this county, and personally you shouldn't feel any type of objection unless you're doing some shady shi-."

 

"Thank you, Tommy," Maria said, shaking her head fondly. A small smile on her lips that you could tell was only there because she was amused, not because she felt like there was any type of weight lifted off of her shoulders.

 

"Now, onto the regular announcements."

 

Ellie zoned out - an infected coming in and attacking people and then having the intelligence to navigate a way out? So that it wouldn't get caught? The thought of that happening and being a possibility was downright terrifying - she could see why everyone needed to be told about it straight away.

 

"The library is closed at the moment for classroom renovations - in the beginning of May we hope to have these classrooms opened and teachers available to start lessons for people under the age of sixteen. Anyone over is welcome to join but will need to attend an interview."

 

School. The thought of it coming back brought up unwelcomed memories to the surface. The bodies, the screaming, the infected roaming the classroom she once loved...

 

She didn't think about how she had shot another student, Sadie, right between the eyes.

 

If there were an afterlife, whatsoever, Ellie hoped that Sadie had found her parents - that they were all happy together, without pain, without the darkness that the real world constantly suffocated them with.

 

"Dismissed," Maria said, loudly, clearly - as if her confidence had come back just for the regular announcements. As much as she loved some town hall meetings, because she loved being around Maria, who felt like a mum or aunty to her, she was more than happy to leave the hall and the energy in there behind.

 

 

(***)

 

 

She went straight to her favourite spot. A small field of wild flowers that sat close to home. Unfortunately, soon, she would be away from this home and probably into a bigger, nicer home - she was excited for a bigger room and the possibility of having her own bathroom, like a lot of the bigger houses had, but the thought of leaving the field depressed her. It was her haven, her home away from home. She sat there and processed every single thought until it was rationalised.

 

At the moment, there was a lot to think about - but half of it she didn't want to think about, because it was too heavy and complicated.

 

Like her feelings for Joel. She tried not to think about it too much because it felt like it was never going to change. It would never be reciprocated, but she would never be let down either. Either because she wasn't as obvious as she feared, or Joel was blind.

 

Thoughts went back to that day she was sitting in her room and Joel knocked on her door, looking tired and concerned.

 

"We need to talk."

 

She had been scared in that very moment that somehow, he had known. Had known the thoughts she had been having about him.

 

"What about?" Ellie had asked nervously, looking towards the window as an easy escape route.

 

Joel walked into the room and sat on the chair at her desk. It spun around slowly, making an awkward high-pitched sound along with it, which Joel nor Ellie seemed to acknowledge.

 

"I got promoted again," Joel said. He had a small smile on his lips that Ellie, unfortunately, adored.

 

There was a part of her that was relieved to know that the biggest issue in Joel's mind right now wasn't Ellie's obvious feelings for him - but there was a part of her that wondered, if he knew, why this was decidedly more important.

 

"That's awesome," Ellie said, smiling back, "you deserve it - you've been working really hard and you don't get paid nearly enough."

 

"Thank you," Joel said, sheepishly almost.

 

Ellie sat there for a moment before building up the courage to ask, "so, what's the problem with that?"

 

Joel sighed, he looked out the window, where you could see the edge of the field - he didn't know that Ellie liked to sit in there and contemplate everything going on around her - that was part of the beauty of the field.

 

"Because I'll be earning more money, I've been asked to move to a... richer...district."

 

"Oh," Ellie paused, "why?"

 

Joel smiled warmly, "so that if someone comes in, needing a cheaper house, they can have this one - I can't just keep hogging this house because I want more to spend."

 

Ellie nodded in understanding - there were a few families who had started sleeping in tents in the middle of the town square, waiting for a cheaper home to become available. She had walked past them a few times - she'd made friends with two little boys in particular - she would share her lunch with them on her work break before heading back in, hardly having eaten anything, knowing that when she got home there would be food for her there - either Joel's cooking, or Maria's.

 

Ellie opened her eyes, not knowing that she had closed them and looked back around the field. Looking to where she could kind of see her window. The lamp was on in there - just in case she stayed in the field late. It wasn't that she was scared of the dark, it was just that extra little bit of direction. That, and it was a comforting sight.

 

She got up slowly and looked around the field. She was going to miss the purples and yellows and the blues of all the wild flowers. It would be weird if she came back to the field when there were new people living in her old house - she didn't want them to think she was some weird type of squatter. She was aware that she was going to lose this field and she was going to become okay with it - even if it killed her.

 

She turned back towards the house and sighed. She didn't want to go back in just yet, but the grass was starting to make the backs of her legs itch. Besides, Joel would begin to wonder where she had run off to eventually, and Ellie didn't like being asked questions when it was so hard to lie to him.

 

So, she climbed over the delicate little fence and started heading towards the front door. She froze, however, when she heard multiple voices inside.

 

"I don't understand how anybody could believe it, they're actually that gullible," Maria was saying, a slight frown forming on her face. Ellie watched them from the window, hoping that if she stayed still, she wouldn't draw attention to her position.

 

"And you truly think it was a person who murdered those people?" Joel asked, "you didn't see anything, how can you be sure?"

 

"Because," Tommy said, "as Maria said - the infected aren't famously known for their intelligence. As if an infected would come in, kill a family, and then run back out. An infected would just move further and further into the county - killing as they went. They're ruthless - it's in their DNA."

 

"So, you're sure then?" Joel still sounded slightly uncertain, "how are you going to catch the guy? It's not like he's going to go killing again with the CCTV around the county. Besides - killing of a family seemed personal. I would look to see if there are any more relatives of theirs in the county-."

 

"There's no relatives of the family in the county. Is was just the mother, daughter and the grandfather," Maria said, sounding terse, "we think it might be a serial killer. The attack was completely random - Carla Renaldi was loved by everyone, Gerard Renaldi was admired everyone, and who in their right mind would have a bone to pick with a six-year-old child?"

 

Ellie's stomach turned - she remembered the Renaldi family - one of the older daughters had gone to school with her before the attack - she had died in it and her mother had felt the need to thank Ellie for her help inside, despite the fact that Ellie hadn't saved her daughter - hadn't even seen her daughters' body with the fallen.

 

They were gone. She couldn't believe it.

 

"I'll keep a look out then, I suppose," Joel muttered, looking slightly irritable, "I still think you should look into the county more - see if there was any resentment anywhere - it looks too passionate for a random murder."

 

Tommy nodded reluctantly, "alright, I'll look into it."

 

But Tommy didn't sound convinced, which meant Maria wouldn't be convinced either.

 

(***)

 

Ellie and Joel were sitting at the familiar dining room table. The same one they had sat at since their first house. It was chipped and some of the paint was coming off, but Ellie had an odd attachment to it, and so hadn't let Joel throw it out.

 

"You know, we're going to have to get rid of this table someday," he said, casually, stabbing the meat on his plate with his fork - venison.

 

"I refuse," Ellie said bluntly, "it's our poor people table and I love it."

 

"It might not suit the new house," Joel said with a shrug, "teal stands out a lot."

 

Ellie rolled her eyes and smirked, "and since when have you cared about interior design?" she asked, sarcastically, "you just want to throw away Roger."

 

"Roger?" Joel asked, his dark eyebrows raised, "you named the table?"

 

Before Ellie could respond, there was a harsh knocking on the door. Joel eyed it suspiciously and she watched him tense.

 

"You didn't invite anyone around?" Joel eyed her, searching her face for an answer before she could say anything.

 

"No," Ellie said, despite knowing that Joel knew she hadn't.

 

He got up slowly - reached out to an end table before the hall that had a drawer - he pulled the drawer out and grabbed a pistol.

 

He put the pistol behind his back and stuffed it between his body and the belt keeping his jeans up and headed towards the door with a look of apprehension on his face. Something that Ellie disliked greatly.

 

Joel opened the door, and Ellie felt her body relax as she heard Joel emit a huge sigh of relief.

 

"I wish you had let me know you were going to be coming over," Joel said, "I would have put more food on."

 

"It's fine," she heard a male voice, "I brought some food over."

 

She heard footsteps and turned back towards her food, trying to act natural.

 

"Ellie, this is Cody, Cody, this is Ellie."

 

"Hey Ellie."

 

Ellie turned around and looked at Cody. He was younger than Joel, but older than her. He was tanned, but to the point that looked like he was a few shades off from beef jerky. He was wrinkled, and his hair was greying. He seemed nice, but there was something about him that made Ellie wary.

 

"Cody is a friend from work, and unfortunately, my new manager," Joel said, smiling politely between Ellie and Cody.

 

Joel was the perfect host when it came to people coming to their house - Ellie, the imperfect and probably rude hostess.

 

"You all good if I take my food to my room?" Ellie asked, trying to sound polite while trying to get Joel to realise she was eager to leave, "I have some paperwork I've got to do before my next shift on the wall - otherwise Maria is going to have my head."

 

Joel nodded, and so she hurriedly grabbed her plate and rushed off to her room, without saying anything to the two men who were taking their places at her dining table - Roger.

 

"He better not leave any rings on Roger," she muttered to herself, before closing her bedroom door and making sure not to slam it.

 

 

(***)

 

 

It was later in the night when Ellie eventually emerged from her room with her empty and dirty dinner plate.

 

She set it on the bench beside the sink before peering into the loungeroom, where she could hear the two men talking. To be perfectly honest, she was surprised that Cody was still here.

 

"I think you're going to be a great benefit to the team Joel, and I'm not just saying that because we're friends."

 

"Thanks," Joel said, shrugging, "but I'm no different to the other people working for you."

 

"Eh, that's not true," Cody said, "the other men are afraid of working, afraid of being innovative."

 

Joel laughed, a happy booming laugh, "maybe you should stop being an asshole then, and they'd be more willing to work efficiently."

 

Ellie saw Cody shrug and take a sip of his beer.

 

"I also like that you're not an asshole about working for someone younger than you."

 

"You were here before me," Joel said, "if I had lived here first, I'd definitely be your boss."

 

"Never mind," Cody said with a chuckle, "you ARE an asshole."

 

There was another knock on the door, Joel stood up and headed towards the door, the gun nowhere to be seen.

 

Cody, however, looked like he was frozen in his seat.

 

Ellie didn't like that.

 

"Hey Tommy," Joel said. He sounded a little tipsy, which was always entertaining to see if Ellie was honest, "Cody is here-."

 

"Actually Joel, I got to get going," Cody said, standing up and swaying slightly, "I got to get up early in the morning for a training session with a few of the younger boys - got to get them interested in carpentry before uh, Tommy's dear Maria ends up shipping them to school."

 

He chuckled at his own joke, but Tommy wasn't laughing, and Joel was standing there awkwardly.

 

Cody left, pushing past Tommy in the politest way he could, and Tommy walked in, closing the door behind him.

 

"Cody, huh?" Tommy asked, "boss, or boyfriend?"

 

"Boss, strictly boss," Joel said, rolling his eyes, "I'm not interested in dating at the moment."

 

That hurt Ellie a little bit, but she cheered herself up by telling herself that at least she wouldn't have to see Joel walking around with another man or woman.

 

"I don't like him, regardless," Tommy said, "he's always been a shady character, the type of shady character that might be affected by the surveillance."

 

"I think he's fine," Joel said, "a little bit of an odd-ball. But he's my boss-."

 

"You've always been blind like that brother mine," Tommy said, shaking his head, disappointedly, "especially ever since you met Ellie - she changed your entire perspective on people quite quickly."

 

Ellie frowned, now that one really did hurt - getting the blame for Joel being blind was a bit cold.

 

"Look, Tommy, did you come to actually talk to me, or berate me on who I make friends with?" Joel asked, irritated, "because if it's the latter, I'm sending you right out the door."

 

"Don't be an ass," Tommy said lightly before his face fell again, "another town hall meeting is going to be held tomorrow but I thought I would warn you about it before anyone else knew."

 

Joel looked worried.

 

"There's been another murder."


	8. 18 pt. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry if this chapter is crap - but I have news. I have officially finished YEAR 12 and got accepted into University! I also have seven days to complete NaNoWriMo (current word count; 15,025 words) so I will be focusing a lot of time into this fic! As I would really like to finish it and start something new!

Chapter Eight

 

18 Pt. III

 

 

 

As Tommy had said, another town hall meeting had been called in order to talk about the latest victim of an attack. Apparently, the victim had looked just as bad, if not worse, than the family murder they had found, and it was stressing Maria out, to the point where she didn't even attend the town hall meeting, which left Tommy to control it all himself.

 

He looked equally as stressed, and he also looked self-conscious about how he could control a room as his wife did.

 

Ellie sat up close to the platform, that way if anything happened, she could try and tell everyone to shut their pie holes.

 

Joel was sitting nearby too, looking as equally as concerned as Tommy was about how people were talking loudly, and rudely.

 

"Can you all shut up!?" Ellie screeched finally, standing up and whipping her body around to face the rest of the room. People snapped their gaze to her, frowning at her as if she was just any rude brat, not a guard who regularly protected the wall. Not that that made her feel like she was bigger and better than anyone else, especially with the attacks happening, but a lot of people had respect for the guards, and she would use it against them if she needed to.

 

"He's trying to talk, so if you don't mind, shut your traps and listen! You have ears for a goddamn reason!" Ellie said. She whipped back towards the platform and noticed Tommy's grateful expression before sitting back down and paying attention.

 

Tommy cleared his throat, "we need the surveillance more than ever now, we can't keep losing locals, you are all as important as one another and we can't afford to lose the people we care about-," he cleared his throat again, "especially when, when this infection started twenty-four years ago, we lost plenty of people as it is."

 

Some of the people in the audience nodded, reflecting on the people they'd lost in the past. She couldn't even imagine how they could be feeling right now. She turned to Joel, who for a brief moment, looked trapped in his own demons - before putting on a mask.

 

She hadn't asked about Sarah again. She was too afraid to ask for more information about her. But she was sure that if Sarah was alive today - despite the age gap - Ellie would like her.

 

Sarah would have been thirty-six years old if she hadn't died. If she hadn't been killed.

 

Ellie wondered how often Joel thought about his deceased daughter. Whether it kept him awake at night. Whether he cried about it, or whether his dabble into alcoholism allowed him to shut it out.

 

If she were entirely honest, she didn't want to think about it too much. She didn't like the thought of Joel staying up until reasonable hours, crying, missing his daughter.

 

It hurt.

 

"So, what, we're just going to get more security?" someone in the far back yelled out, to which a bunch of his buddies in the same or in nearby rows cheered. Ellie refrained from rolling her eyes and looked at Tommy, who looked pissed, to say the least.

 

"I don't understand why you have such a problem with security if you ain't up to some shady shit," Tommy said, not having Maria to censor him this time, "in which case, I am more than happy to have a few of my best guards look into your homes and family life - are we clear?"

 

The men in the back, no longer enthusiastic about their rebellion, quieted down, with defeated looks on their faces.

 

"More security measures can't be taken until we put to the test the ones we already have planned," Tommy said, in a matter-of-fact tone. He looked around, "especially seeing as for further security measures, I would be putting into risk, my guards. They're better suited for the wall, not for keeping their eyes out for a serial killer."

 

"If they're so good-."

 

Ellie zoned out again. She couldn't handle the amount of bullshit poor Tommy had to go through just to get the people in the county to understand they were all in danger. That they should be wary of who they trusted, of who they let into their lives.

 

They wouldn't listen until it was too late, and they were the ones getting brutally murdered at ungodly hours of the morning.

 

 

(***)

 

 

Tommy looked pretty down in the dumps after the town hall meeting. He looked tired and stressed and when he had gone to talk to Maria about it, apparently it hadn't gone well. Apparently, they had had an argument, which had led to Tommy coming over and visiting Joel and Ellie. Tommy was convinced it was just a small fight and it would all wash over by the time he got home later in the afternoon, and for Tommy's sake, Ellie hoped he was right. She felt Joel hoped his younger brother was right about his wife’s anger as well.

 

"She doesn't like the complaints she heard," Tommy said, "apparently people were already complainin' to her about me before I'd even left the hall."

 

"And that surprises you?" Joel asked, sounding slightly amused at his younger brothers exaggeration, "they're assholes, Tom, they're not going to be nice to you - they're going to ridicule everything you and Maria say because they dislike authority figures - yet they're more than happy to deal with you when you're putting food on their table and money into their pockets."

 

"Yeah well," Tommy shrugged, "I'm not a big fan of that."

 

Ellie was sitting at the dining room table with the two men. Tommy was holding a beer in his right hand, the condensation running down the bottle, pooling at the bottom on the top of the table. It was going to leave a ring, but she didn't care - Tommy was allowed to.

 

"I think you did great," Ellie said, trying to give Tommy a warm smile, which Tommy returned half-heartedly, "I know you're not a big fan of public speaking, and those crowds are rough. We're not all naturally good at public speaking like Maria is - that's a freakish talent she's got there."

 

Tommy laughed - she hadn't heard him laugh in a while and hearing him laugh now made her realise just how rare it was nowadays. Even when Tommy was over, chilling with Joel, enjoying a beer and bitching about their days at work, his laughter was rare, and if not rare, then it was hardly ever real.

 

"What's going on Tommy?" Ellie said suddenly, before she could stop herself, "you haven't been yourself for weeks, maybe even months."

 

Tommy shrugged, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

 

Joel looked at Tommy suspiciously but didn't say a word.

 

Which, despite his lack of words, meant that if she wanted to know the information, she was going to have to search for it herself. Not seek help from Joel.

 

"I don't remember the last time I saw you happy," Ellie said, slowly, she didn't want to anger Tommy - she was worried about him though. Joel looked a little worried but didn't say anything and kept sipping on his beer, "when you laughed before, it made me realise how rare it is nowadays - how rare it is that we get to hear it."

 

Tommy laughed again, this time it was so obviously fake that Ellie had to refrain from ripping her own eyes out in frustration, "I'm fine Ellie - thank you for the concern and all, but I'm happy, and I laugh a lot, thank-you-very-much."

 

He sipped on his beer again, faking happy and cheering up - purely because Ellie had called him out - and she knew it.

 

She looked up at Joel, hoping for something - answers, a teammate, a distraction - but she got nothing from the older man, other than a look on his face that told her nothing more than his own desire to mind his own business.

 

"Is everything okay with you and Maria?" Ellie asked out of the blue, watching as something in Tommy's expression shifted.

 

"I-I yeah, everything is fine," Tommy said. The beer bottle in his hand, resting on the table, started to shake - the condensation on the table made the bottom of the bottle slippery and difficult to control, and before any of them could say or do anything, the bottle fell to the floor and smashed into tiny pieces - beer the only thing holding them together as the murky golden-brown liquid spread across the linoleum.

 

Joel sighed and sat down, not even looking at the mess the bottle had made, "I think Ellie's right, you've been a bit off lately, and now as soon as we mention Maria, you lose your cool."

 

Ellie nodded along with Joel's explanation, "what's going on Tommy?"

 

Tommy sighed in defeat and rested his head against the table as if hiding his face would make his next confession any easier.

 

"Maria is leaving me, and it's all my fault."

 

 

(***)

 

 

Ellie sat in the field, alone and enjoying the sun. The day had been dramatic, too much drama to handle calmly, and so she had rushed to her field, to sit amongst the flowers and enjoy the pain of itchy legs.

 

The town hall meeting had been a mess of bigoted people refusing to believe they were in danger - there had been another murder and nobody was taking the threat seriously - and then Tommy and Maria were looking to break up.

 

Apparently, Tommy had confessed to Joel privately that the younger man had cheated on his wife, out of pure frustration and anger, and now was deeply regretting it.

 

Ellie had been expecting Joel to stick up for his younger brother and tell him what he did was okay, and that eventually Maria would come around and everything would be normal again, but he didn't. Instead, Joel had yelled at Tommy for being an idiot, how cheating wasn't okay, and that he didn't deserve Maria if he was going to treat her like that.

 

Tommy had cowered in a corner, waiting for Joel to finish his rant, agreed towards the end, and made his way out the door - hopefully to head home and have a big talk with his wife.

 

Ellie wasn't pleased with Tommy, and there was a part of her that made her feel uncomfortable to stay in the same room as Tommy now - he had cheated on his wife, and if Ellie thought long and hard about it - that was really, really gross.

 

He hadn't mentioned who he'd hooked up with while cheating on Maria, and a part of Ellie was glad - the part of Ellie that didn't want to look around town, see the person Tommy spoke about, and have it ruin her day. Another part of her was disappointed she didn't know who it was - so she couldn't try and figure out the ladies’ address and go and personally punch her in the face.

 

Free of charge.

 

But Joel had been right, as he placed a hand on Ellie's shoulder and told her not to ask about the woman. How it was likely even Maria didn't know, and how Ellie didn't want to be opening up a can of worms like that, especially when Maria owned the county and had the power to kick out whoever she damn well pleased.

 

"She's smart Ellie," Joel had said about Maria not long after Tommy had left, "but she's hot-headed, and I don't want anyone getting hurt, because she, nor Tommy, will never forgive themselves for it."

 

Ellie had nodded and agreed to not say a word or ask any further questions from either Maria or Tommy.

 

They didn't need that pressure right now - they just needed to save their marriage.

 

(***)

 

Ellie was sitting in the library, reading away and ignoring the world when she felt a light tap on her shoulder. At first, she was tempted to completely ignore it and keep reading her book - but the person tapped her shoulder again and cleared their throat, so she definitely couldn't ignore them now.

 

She turned around slowly and peered up through her lashes at a boy, about her age, maybe a year or two older, looking sheepish and red-faced.

 

"Hey, I asked the librarian to borrow that book out today - I was just wondering whether you're going to take it instead."

 

Ellie frowned, a bit of a lame reason to come up and talk to a complete stranger - but to be fair, she wouldn't have had the guts to do it. She closed the book, erasing all memory of the page she had been on - she had this book at home, she just didn't know what to read while she waited for Maria to finish work, so she and Ellie could go out to lunch.

 

"Uh yeah, you can have it," she said, pushing the book into the other dudes’ arms before he had the chance to prepare to catch it.

 

It fell to the floor and they both reached to pick it up at the same time, which instantly made Ellie drawback.

 

She watched as the other boy picked up the book, smiled at her half-heartedly, and walked away towards the counter.

 

She sighed and rested back into her chair.

 

She was going to be waiting a while.

 

 

(***)

 

 

“Hey Ellie, how you doin’ kiddo?”

 

Maria sat down across from her in the library. The woman looked drained from a hard-days work, but from her expression, you wouldn’t even guess that her marriage was falling apart.

 

There was part of Ellie that wanted to subtly let Maria know that no matter what, she was there for her – but she wasn’t even sure how Maria would react to Ellie knowing – for all Ellie knew, it would do more harm than good. So, she wasn’t going to go there. Instead; she was going to talk about herself.

 

“I’m okay,” Ellie said slowly, “I just, I’m struggling with some internal stuff right now, and don’t know how to work through it.”

 

Maria instantly looked concerned, “is something going on?”

 

“Nothing huge, or dangerous or anything like that,” Ellie said, quickly reassuring Maria, whose face didn’t budge from looking concerned.

 

“Look. I’m just gonna come right out with it.”

 

Maria waited.

 

“I have a crush on Joel.”


	9. 18 Pt. IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys enjoy this chapter. And Yes, I know I keep sticking with Ellie being eighteen, but there's a good reason for it. So hold on.

Leading Up to This

Chapter Nine

18 pt. IV

 

There was something about admitting the truth to someone that made Ellie feel comfortable in her skin again. It was a weird feeling, but it somehow made her feel like her thoughts were less confusing and therefore less confronting. But there was also a part of her that was deathly afraid of someone else knowing – admittedly it was just Maria, and Maria wouldn’t betray her like that – right? Maybe Maria would – she wasn’t sure.

 

Maria had seemed shocked when Ellie had told her, a part of her even seemed a little horrified, which made Ellie feel terrible.

(flashback)

 

“He’s, uh, much _older_ than you, Ellie,” Maria said with a slight frown, “the man is old enough to be your father. Your grandfather even-.”

 

Ellie sighed, “yeah, I know, I get that – I wouldn’t even be telling you if it wasn’t something that plagued my thoughts pretty much my every waking moment.”

 

This didn’t seem to be the right thing to say as for a brief moment, Maria looked a tad disgusted.

 

“You need to shake your head free of those thoughts then Ellie,” Maria said slowly, as if she was trying to manoeuvre the conversation so that she didn’t upset Ellie with her opinion. Which was going to be difficult, because as Ellie looked at Maria, as Maria tried to navigate the conversation, Ellie felt nothing but spikes of anxiety running through her.

 

“Why do I?” Ellie asked, feeling ashamed, “it’s just a crush.”

 

“But you said you think about it all the time,” Maria said. She frowned, “I just don’t think it’s right Ellie – you’re only eighteen. Joel is well into his fifties,” she sighed, “and then there’s also the fact that he’s raised you since you were fourteen. You’re saying you’ve had feelings for him since then?”

 

“Uh, not quite.”

 

Maria nodded slowly, “I’m glad you told me,” she finally said, “but you know that nothing could ever happen in that department, right?” she asked, “it’s not safe, for either of you.”

 

“Why not?” Ellie asked, sounding a little irritated now. She noticed that out of nervousness she had started lightly tapping her finger tips on the top of the shiny brown table. In the library, the tapping sounded louder than the conversation they were happening, which was in hushed voices per Ellie’s request.

 

Maria looked like the answer was obvious, “why not?” she scoffed, “people think of you and Joel as father and daughter. The two of you doing anything romantic together would be considered incestuous. We’ve had that happen here before, and it did not go well.”

 

“We’re not related, and never have I ever called Joel my father,” Ellie said in defiance, “you are the ones that put that relationship onto us and if something were to ever happen, I would prove you all wrong. But – nothing will ever happen,” Ellie sounded sad as she admitted that part, “I’ve accepted that. This is just a crush, and I thought I could trust you.”

 

Maria looked like she had been slapped, and slowly, a look of guilt took over her face.

 

“You can trust me,” she said, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m sorry, I just…” she sighed, “you’re right. This whole father-daughter stereotype has been forced upon you – a label that neither of you have denied but neither of you have actively said you accept either. Now that I think of it, Joel has always referred to you as Ellie, and you, well, I’ve never heard you call Joel your father either. So, you’re right there.”

 

Ellie nodded strongly.

 

“Just…don’t act on it, angel,” she said, looking sad, “Joel is…he’s a very sad man. You don’t want to go there. Find another man, or woman. Whatever age group, I don’t care, as long as they’re over the age of consent laws,” she added awkwardly, “Joel isn’t the one for you.”

 

 

(***)

 

That was all that kept playing in her mind as she thought about the conversation again. That Joel was a sad man. Joel wasn’t for her, because Joel was too sad, too stuck in his sadness, and would never leave it.

 

Ellie felt like it was a bunch of bullshit to be perfectly honest, but at the same time understood Maria’s reluctance to allow Ellie in indulge in her thoughts. Her imagination.

 

God was her imagination _filthy_ lately.

 

She’d taken a shower the other day and thought about Joel just walking through the door and joining her. Rubbing soap onto her body, eventually, his hand finding its way between her legs, rubbing her clit and making her moan. Eventually finding herself pressed against the shower wall, his cock hard and finding her hole.

 

She’d pushed her fingers inside herself at that moment, intimidating the way it might feel if Joel were to push his cock inside her. She’d fucked herself on her fingers, struggling as she tried not to moan the way she imagined an alternative her would if Joel was pounding into her.

 

She sighed.

 

She was turned on again.

 

Time for another shower.

 

 

 

(***)

 

 

She heard the front door slam when Joel got home. She was sitting in the lounge room reading when it happened, and it made her jump so badly that the book went flying and skidded across the kitchen floor. To make things worse, Joel headed straight for the kitchen, and kicked the book further across the kitchen, to which Joel shouted, “fuck!” at it and put his head in his hands.

 

It had not been a good day apparently.

 

Ellie sprung up from the couch and hurried headed over to the kitchen, “what happened Joel. What’s going on?”

 

Joel looked up and automatically seemed to calm down, “don’t you worry about it, baby girl,” he sighed, “just work stuff.”

 

“You got fired, huh?”

 

Joel nodded, “stupid fucking Tommy – I know who he slept with.”

 

Ellie frowned, “what does that have to do with you getting fired?”

 

Joel laughed. It was a sad, harsh, sarcastic laugh, that sent a shiver down Ellie’s spine – and not in the good way, like her imagination often did to her.

 

“Because – the fucking idiot – the woman’s _father_ just so happened to be my boss,” Joel sighed, “well, was my boss,” he added in frustration, “either way – he’s pissed with Tommy and because he’s pissed with Tommy, he’s pissed with me, because he thinks ‘if one Miller has it, so does the other’.”

 

Ellie frowned, “well, you know that’s not true,” Ellie battled out the decision to be sincere, or make a joke, and settled on the joke, “you only have sex with people if it means getting food or money, remember?”

 

Joel looked at her and laughed, “shut up.”

 

Ellie smiled, she’d said the right thing, she crept forwards and reached for Joel, wrapping her arms around him and giving him a tight hug – while simultaneously trying to avoid thinking about her heart thumping rapidly in her chest “I’ll just work double-shifts until you get back on your feet. Okay?”

 

Joel, who accepted the hug, shook his head, “no, that’s not happening – I won’t have you wearing yourself out over work just, so I can have a few days off.”

 

Ellie’s mine wandered as she thought of other ways she could be worn out.

 

 _Focus_.

 

“We’re a team. Okay?” Ellie said, deliberately avoiding the word ‘family’. A big ‘fuck you’ to Maria. She pulled away and held Joel out at arms-length, “we help each other out when the other is suffering. Besides – I might be heading back into school soon – who knows. I didn’t exactly get to finish my education the last time. So, I need all the money and food I can get before going back.”

 

It was a bullshit excuse, but Joel nodded regardless, in acceptance, which made Ellie feel good about herself.

 

“I’m going to get a start on dinner, okay?” Ellie said, giving Joel a small smile, “you go relax.”

 

Joel sighed and muttered under his breath, with a smirk, “just don’t burn it.”

 

He walked out of the kitchen before Ellie could properly hit him but wasn’t far away enough to hear Ellie yell an amused ‘fuck you’ at him.

 

 

(***)

 

 

Dinner was fine, and Ellie didn’t burn it. In fact, she was rather proud of herself. It was just a simple roast, made with fish instead of other meats. They’d recently found a small river with fish that had been tested to not only be edible, but to be unscathed from any type of infection that could harm the residents in the county. Ellie always made sure to test the food they received anyway, especially because she’d be able to taste any type of infection in a second. But so far, they hadn’t been wrong.

 

Joel seemed to be digging into the food like it was his last meal, which made Ellie happy. She slowly dug into her own food as she watched him inhale the meal, and a weird feeling of domesticity grew over her.

 

She could imagine a future where they could be sitting at this exact dinner table, because Ellie still refused to get rid of it – probably in a bigger house with a few extra rooms, a few extra seats at the table as well with room for a high chair…

 

Ellie shook her head, “oh my God, stop.”

 

Joel stopped and looked up at her with confusion, “is everything okay?”

 

Ellie paused. She hadn’t meant to react aloud, and she didn’t know how to explain herself.

 

“Uh, yeah,” Ellie said nervously, “I just have a really bad headache.”

 

“I’ll get you some water.”

 

Before Ellie could refuse, Joel got up and headed to the kitchen and opened the fridge door.

 

Even little things like this, that showed to her how much Joel cared for her, made her heart beat erratically. She knew it didn’t mean anything, and it especially didn’t mean that Joel was secretly in love with her or something along those lines, but her mind couldn’t help but continue to wander.

 

She heard the fridge door and tried to regain her composure.

 

He placed the bottle in front of her and put his hand lightly on her shoulder.

 

“After dinner, I want you to go lie down, okay?” he said, “It’s my turn to do the dishes anyway.”

 

“But you’ve had a bad day-.”

 

“And you’re not well,” Joel said, “let me help – you cooked dinner, I’ll clean.”

 

Ellie reluctantly accepted this offer and ate the rest of the food that was on her plate, occasionally taking small sips of water. She wasn’t sure whether it was because she was stressing about Joel finding out about her feelings, or because she had genuinely tricked her body into acting sick, but she could genuinely feel a headache coming, and her stomach didn’t feel too great either.

 

She excused herself from the table and made an effort to put her empty plate near the sink and headed to the bathroom, where she threw up in the toilet without a moments warning.

 

 

(***)

 

 

She woke up to the feeling of being in someone’s arms. She could hear light snores against her ear – she had no clue who they belonged to as she tried hard to make sure the other person wasn’t alerted to her being awake. She couldn’t remember what had happened before she’d woken up – all she remembered was walking to the bathroom, a sick feeling in her stomach that she couldn’t shake, and fishy vomit.

 

Her breath tasted minty now. She must have brushed her teeth afterwards – she typically did that whenever she threw up. It made her feel better about being sick.

 

She buried herself deeper into the cuddles, enjoying the warmth that was coming from the other body. She realised, suddenly, that she was curled in their lap.

 

She had never been held like this, and it made something in her heart beat faster. She slowly opened her eyes; in an instant they found a sleeping, peaceful faced Joel.

 

Without even realising her, her mouth had dropped open, as she looked at what she could only call beauty. Joel was handsome and even though he was old, he didn’t exactly look fifty. If anything, he looked like a man, who had seen a lot of shit in his life. His hand rested lightly on her thigh – she looked at the watch on his wrist, still broken, but now Ellie understood the origin of the watch and understood why Joel never took it off. She looked at all the scars on his hands, his arms – they were little bit there were many – and she wondered where else there would be scars. She knew there would be one where he had been impaled when he had fallen onto a metal rod.

 

She wanted to run her hands all over him. Not even in a sexual way. As she continued to closely inspect Joel, she listened the places she wanted to touch him. His shoulders, his back, his hips – she wanted to run a hand through his hair, hold him tight and never let go, she wanted to place a hand either side of his face and kiss his lips.

 

He began to stir, and before Ellie could stop looking at him with wonder, he opened his eyes.

 

“Are you okay baby girl?” he asked, looking sleepily concerned.

 

She didn’t respond.

 

She kissed him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep in mind, that Ellie and Joel have kissed before, and Ellie initiated it last time as well - but it didn't really end well, they just ended up really awkward with one another. So, let's see what happens this time.


	10. Joel (II)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey..another Joel chapter...enjoy x

Leading Up To This

Chapter Ten

 

Joel

 

 

To see the buildings, he saw in front of him made him shudder; the school buildings – well, what had once been the school buildings – towered above him in a slightly menacing manner, reminding him of the screams, the carnage…

 

It had almost been as bad as witnessing the infection breakout all over again.

 

Discussion around him shook him out of his own terrifying thoughts. Tommy was standing beside him, looking up and one of the walls that had broken down over the years, exposing part of the damage down to the inside of the second floor.

 

“It’s gonna be a lot of work Joel,” Tommy said, scratching the back of his head – he had an expression mixed between slight confusion, and like he couldn’t get the sun out of his eyes, which was amusing considering the day was a little stormy, “but, I take it you need it right now, with Ellie taking a little bit of time off for herself for trainin’.”

 

Joel had to agree – Ellie had started taking some extra classes, so she could train to be on the wall more often, and direct others if need be. She was proud and wanted to be a leader, and Joel admired her for that, but part of him was scared for her.

 

Working on the wall wasn’t a job for the faint-hearted, and they both knew that from experience – so imagine it times ten, and then being the boss of everyone else working a shift. It was madness – but Ellie was determined. Determined to make a difference or determined to get killed – Joel wasn’t really that sure what the difference was.

 

He looked down from the building, and it turns out if you do think about the devil, the devil will appear, for at that very moment, he noticed Ellie standing in front of him – not facing him – looking at the building too.

 

“I think I’ll stick with training,” she said, amused, before turning back around and facing both Joel and Tommy, “I mean, I might not get paid for it, but at least I don’t have to go in there and ignore everything that happened,” she sighed almost instantly, and looked like she wanted to apply a palm, hard, right against her forehead.

“That was a tad insensitive,” Ellie said, “seems training really is getting to me.”

 

During training, something that Joel had experienced himself, was a seminar and then a session about controlling emotions in the line of duty. A lot of people found this easy to do in class but suffered in person, just like Joel had done. A lot of people often got rid of their emotions altogether, which Joel felt was equally as bad as being overly emotional.

 

Joel smiled down at Ellie, “you’re, okay baby girl,” he said warmly, “but you shouldn’t be here. It’s technically classed as a work zone,” Joel said, indicating to the yellow tape that was direct to her side, close enough to touch her clothed hip.

 

Ellie grinned, “strange,” she said, giving a small shrug, “I didn’t see anyone working.”

 

She quickly dodged and went under the tape before Joel could move to give her a smack on the arm or anything like that. She turned back and grinned, waving at the two of them before heading back to a tree, and sitting down with a book.

 

“Hmm…”

 

Joel turned around and faced his brother, who was looking at him with a slightly suspicious expression.

 

“What’s wrong Tommy,” he asked, genuinely curious, but worried about what his brothers’ answer was going to be.

 

“Nothin’,” he shrugged, “just can’t believe how old Ellie has gotten – still young enough to be your daughter though…”

 

Joel frowned.

 

He knew that tone, it was accusatory while still trying to poke for answers.

 

“I know that tone,” Joel said, “and I don’t like it – what are you trying to figure out Tommy?”

 

He looked like he was struggling with what he was about to ask. The wind blew lightly at his hair and he pushed it away from his face before choking out, “are you sleeping with Ellie?”

 

Joel almost hit his brother on reflex, “what the hell Tommy?”

 

“I’m just asking, you don’t need to get so defensive,” he said with a shrug, but it told Joel everything about how much Tommy was actually judging him, “I mean, you’ve lived together for a long time, you often imply that Ellie isn’t your daughter to the point where you correct people who suggest it-.”

 

“Because Ellie feels uncomfortable because she doesn’t want me to think that she’s replacing Sarah-.”

 

“Besides, she’s grown to be very attractive, I wouldn’t be shocked if you’ve thought about it-.”

 

Joel glared. He crossed his arms in front of his chest, feeling angry and guarded, “you sound like you’ve thought about it more yourself – more than I ever would that’s for sure.”

 

“I’m just saying Joel,” Tommy sighed, “don’t go there – the county won’t like it.”

 

“I don’t intend in going there, you moron!” Joel exclaimed.

 

Joel had never been a fan of false accusations, and he had had a lot of them thrown his way, especially when he was a bandit roaming abandoned towns in hope of finding stragglers – and it wouldn’t be the first time that Tommy had accused him of things that weren’t true – hell, it was how they split from each other originally – and now he was being falsely accused of another thing, and he wouldn’t be afraid to split from Tommy if this type of bullshit was going to continue.

 

“Good,” Tommy said, shortly, “because…that shit will get you into a lot of trouble.”

 

 

 

(jump)

 

 

“I don’t know what I was thinking,” Tommy said, his head in his hands. He refused to look at Joel and had been refusing for the last five minutes now.

 

They were sitting in Tommy’s lounge room – Maria had slammed the door in a huff and said she’d return when she ‘fucking felt like it,’ which, Joel had no clue when that would be. Joel hadn’t seen her that angry since the day Joel had threatened to take her husband away when trying to get Ellie to the Fireflies – not at the time, knowing the Fireflies full intentions with the young girl.

 

Tommy had admitted to Maria that he had cheated. Not who on, but apparently, Maria had been at risk of being told – so Tommy had beaten them to it, bit the bullet, and Maria was now pissed and hurt.

 

“What the hell, were you thinkin’, Tommy?” Joel asked.

 

“I wasn’t,” Tommy said, “just, the pressure of the being the county leader’s husband was getting to me and I need-I needed to separate myself from that.”

 

“That is a pathetic fucking reason to cheat on someone,” Joel muttered darkly, “you know it’s piss-poor. Who was it?”

 

Tommy looked up – he looked tired, shocked and almost a little afraid. The dark shadows under his eyes only seemed to triple the effects of what looked like fear on his face.

 

“Who was what?”

 

Joel growled in frustration, “who the hell were you screwin’ behind Maria’s back?”

 

Tommy stood up then, pushing himself out of his chair with a renewed sort of energy that seemed to be powered from pure anger.

 

“So, what?” he exclaimed, waving his arms about, “you’re on her side now, are you!?”

 

“Of course, I’m on her side! She didn’t do anything wrong! You did!”

 

Tommy frowned, and gradually that frown turned into a look – he looked like he wanted to cry.

 

This didn’t make Joel pity him. He was furious regardless of his younger brothers’ state.

 

“She was a younger girl. Eighteen,” Tommy said, “I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, but she’s the daughter of someone who could really fuck my life up,” he sighed, “yours too, unfortunately.”

 

More anger, Joel could hit him.

 

“So,” Joel clicked onto something – a past conversation the two of them had shared, “that’s why you were trying to accuse me of sleeping with Ellie – you were fucking around with a younger girl, same age. You were feeling your own guilt and you were hoping I was fucking up my life too – is that right?”

 

Tommy couldn’t look him in the eye.

 

“If my life gets ruined because of your mishap, don’t think for a single fucking second that I won’t try to ruin your life twice as bad – twice as bad as your bad decision has – because I will not have you fuck me over again,” Joel headed towards the door, seething in anger and making sure his expression showed that, “and another thing – don’t expect me to talk to Maria for you,” he said, opening the door.

 

“That conversation is all for you,” Joel said, before leaving and slamming the front door shut behind him.

 

(jump)

 

 

He didn’t know whether it was his brothers’ accusations in his ear, or because it was supposedly inevitable, but when he thought about Ellie, his thoughts had started to become impure. He had become plagued by the thought of them laying in his bed, kissing and cuddling and enjoying each other's bodies in a way that would definitely be frowned upon. He hated himself for thinking about it, for wanting it to somehow miraculously happen, at least once, so that he could be happy with the memories for the rest of his life – he would be happy even if it remained a secret – he hated that  

 

He blamed himself – maybe he was thinking about Ellie this way because he had refused to acknowledge her as something that more closely resembled a daughter figure in his life, rather than just a female companion. Maybe he was now finally getting over his past life, with his ex-wife and daughter. Maybe it was time to move on and his stupid brain had settled upon Ellie being the perfect way to move on and be happy.

 

Whatever the reason, he wasn’t happy about it, because even if, for some reason, their relationship turned into something less platonic, he knew he would struggle to accept it, and he knew, one hundred percent, that if the county were to ever find out, they would be out on their asses, facing the insatiable anger and hunger of the infected.

 

(jump)

 

He remembered the moment Ellie left the house and he felt a part of himself start to breathe again. He felt guilty instantly for that thought, because it wasn’t as if Ellie was a burden. Ellie burdened his thoughts, but in a way that made him distracted. Distracted in a way he hadn’t been in a long time, he thought to himself, as he peered down at himself from underneath the blankets. Morning wood wasn’t something he had had since he was a teenager, and well, a session of dealing with said morning wood had gotten his ex-wife pregnant with Sarah.

 

He looked down at his hard cock with something akin to excitement and shock – a part of him had thought he didn’t have it in him anymore. But as he wrapped his hand around his shaft, and started stroking, he quickly realised he hadn’t lost his touch, hadn’t lost the ability to make himself cum quickly and not to make any noise.

 

When he came, he laid back down comfortably and panted quietly on the sheets. He looked up at the ceiling, hating the feeling of guilt that was starting to spread through his body – he knew it was going to be a bitch to fight off. Both because he had jerked off for the first time in years, decades even, but because when he had been touching himself while he had been thinking entirely of one person. Someone who he shouldn’t think about that way, someone who he shouldn’t even look at, and didn’t know if he could look at them the same again.

 

Someone who would never act the same around him if they knew.

 

Ellie.


End file.
